In this week's Savvy Psychologist episode, Dr. Johnson shares 4 communication errors that can ruin your relationships. These are commonly referred to as the “Four Horsemen” and come to us from relationship experts Dr. John and Julia Gottman. They have written several books on relationships and while they primarily focus on romantic relationships, these communication assassins can rear their ugly head in all types of relationships.
The first assassin is criticism. Now I know what you may be thinking: “Does this mean I can never express my displeasure in the relationship?” No! You need to understand the difference between unhealthy criticism and a legitimate complaint.
The second is defensiveness. In many cases criticism and defensiveness go hand in hand because if you feel attacked, dejected, and stressed you will likely have the urge to be defensive.
The issue here is that defensiveness is more likely to lead to an escalation, particularly if the person you are dealing with is not likely to back down. Defensiveness relies on your ability to shift blame to the other person, which doesn’t allow for you to communicate in a healthy manner and come to an agreed-upon resolution.
The third is contempt. When we engage in contemptuous behavior, we are mean. We are sarcastic at the expense of the other person. We may mock or ridicule, call them names, use dismissive body language like rolling eyes and sucking teeth, and are genuinely disrespectful.
And finally, Stonewalling. This assassin shuts down all communication. When you stonewall someone you withdraw from the situation. This can be literally walking away from the conversation, emotionally shutting down, not responding, or avoiding.
It's important not just to know that these communication assassins exist, but why people engage in these behaviors and what healthy alternatives are available. For Dr. Johnson's full take on communication assassins, listen to the full episode here, or read the transcripthere.
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