You teach people how to treat you by virtue of what you expect and what you accept.
Hello everybody. Thank you for your positive feedback regarding our new course interview for our first-of-the-month newsletter. I'm excited to bring you these interviews with our course teachers to highlight the amazing work they do in the world, helping us all to become better versions of ourselves. This month I spoke with Chris Armstrong, a certified relationship coach and emotional intelligence facilitator. He brings his expertise to his course 7 Weeks to Self-Love.
Madisyn: Tell me about some signs that people can look for to indicate that they're not in self-love.
Chris: One sign would be that they continuously question their value. What I mean by this is when they're talking with friends, when they're on dates, or even if they're in a relationship, do they find themselves asking, "Am I worth this?" "What am I here for?" or "Why does that person want me?" If you do this consistently, no matter how many people give you positive feedback, then you have a self-love issue. I would say another sign would be when you tolerate more than you should in a relationship. I have this phrase, "You teach people how to treat you," by virtue of what you expect and what you accept. So, if you expect an honest and faithful partner but they cheat on you and you accept that, then you probably have a self-love issue. There's a reason why we accept less from people than what we inherently know we deserve.
MT: How does this evolve in a person's life? Is this lack of self-love something that stems from childhood, or does it come from a bad relationship in early adulthood perhaps? How does this person who is not accepting self-love evolve into that place in their life?
CA: I think there are a few things that get us there. One is the way we compare ourselves to others. For example, if I look at other people and I see that they have a job they're satisfied with or they have no problem walking into a room and just being effervescent, I may compare myself to that person. As long as we're looking to other people for our self-worth—comparing ourselves to others in a negative way—we're always going to have self-love issues. Another place a lack of self-worth can come from is when we believe the judgments of others. In most cases, people's opinions are nothing more than them giving us feedback, hopefully in a constructive way. We don't know what to do with that feedback so our default position is going to be that we take it in and assume it's a criticism that's 100 percent true. Then all of a sudden we're spiraling down into a lack of self-love. Lastly, a quest for perfection, which I always find interesting and troubling because we don't expect other people to be perfect, can bring us to a place where we don't have self-love.
MT: It sounds almost like not practicing self-love is a behavior in itself. We go through all these self-doubting, self-sabotaging behaviors, but in reality behaviors can be unlearned.
CA: An inability to practice self-love is a behavior that can be unlearned if we think about it. If someone judges me, even if they're just giving feedback and doing so from a loving place, I automatically go into the self-doubt place. I'm frustrated, and then I see other people who are doing that very thing that I was just criticized for not doing. So not only did someone tell me that I don't have a particular quality, but I look around and see other people who do have it. That's what we call confirmation bias. I just confirmed that must be true. Then if I compare that version of myself to the person I really want to be, I automatically give myself a third strike, and not loving myself just becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
MT: As humans we're so hard on ourselves. What can people expect to learn in your course, and what is your teaching style?
CA: I'm a certified facilitator by trade and I'm also a coach. I say that because when I teach—whether in a classroom or a course like this—it's very much a facilitated style. So instead of just telling people, "Here's a list of things you have to do," I want the course to be self-reflective so that as they're working it they can see themselves in the course. This is why there are lots of examples and third-person references. I think the important thing to do when you're teaching anything, and especially something like confidence, is to help people understand the why before they understand the how. For example, say someone wants to find out how to gain self-confidence. I want to help people realize why they are in a lack of confidence in the first place and really help them understand how to put themselves in a "mirror state," which is referenced in the online course. So, it's important to me that people know the why before the how, so they can really understand where confidence comes from and what some of their own thoughts about confidence are.
MT: Is the why achieved through the homework you give in the course?
CA: Yes, it's homework that has no right or wrong answers because we are all individuals. The homework is very self-reflective and allows the reader to personally see how they got into the state they are in. It's about perspective and self-exploration.
MT: That leads to my next question—what feedback have you received from people and how has this work changed their lives?
CA: People comment that I'm candid and respectful and that the material is easy to follow because it spoke to them. People also say that they like the flow from what self-worth is and how they got out of self-worth to how they find it again.
MT: What does a person look like when they fully embrace self-love? What does that person look like out in the world?
CA: The first thing is that they don't think twice about putting themselves out there. They walk into a room and know they belong in that room. The second thing is that they teach people how to treat them because once you love yourself enough to realize what you're worth, you won't accept less from people. You will say, "I expect faithfulness and respect." The third thing is that if they are in a situation where they are being judged, they look at the experience from a different lens. A confident person will be judged by somebody and not automatically assume ill intent. They put it all into perspective and think, "I have compassion for you, I know exactly why you feel the need to judge me that way." It's very different from the old feelings of "I'm not worth it."
MT: Thanks, Chris, for taking the time to chat with me.
It's always nice to see how passionate our course authors are about their material and Chris is no exception—he fully walks his talk and it shows. Perhaps as you read the interview, you saw yourself reflected in his words. If you are someone who experiences a lack of self-love, you can come to realize your worth and teach people how to treat you. If you would like help to accomplish this, 7 Weeks to Self-Love is a beautiful place to start. If you are interested in Chris' course, you can learn more about it below.
I hope you have found this information helpful. I look forward to sharing a new topic and course author interview with you again next month.
Be well,
Madisyn Taylor
Cofounder, Editor-in-Chief
DailyOM
