A modest proposal for saving the republic

I am a simple man leading a simple life, thanks to my wife who reads the pandemic news and the dark dreadful visions of pessimistic epidemiologists and instills caution in me, otherwise I’d be hanging out in saloons singing sea shanties with unmasked ne’er-do-wells, passing a bottle of whiskey around and sharing bacteria. Instead, she and I lead a monastic life, staying home, reading books, eating salads, playing Scrabble.
 
A year of quarantine with your spouse is something we didn’t anticipate when we said our vows. I promised to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, but by “sickness,” I was thinking of a bad cold, maybe a sprained ankle, not a year of incarceration. But by God, quarantine is an excellent test of a marriage, and either you go to a hotel and call your lawyer or you discover that you married the exact right person, which, as I contemplate it day after day, seems to me to be the greatest good luck, right up there with being an all-star third baseman or winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
 
I had twenty aunts and uncles, all of them married, and I witnessed no yelling, no door-slamming, no sobbing in locked rooms, so I figured the odds were in my favor. But I walked into a couple of troubled marriages before luck struck, and now I think that quarantine should be a prerequisite for marriage. Six months locked in a one-bedroom apartment before the license can be issued. You will quickly find out whether you have anything to say to each other or not. You’ll find out about housekeeping habits, personal hygiene, sense of humor (if any), dietary preferences. I am a liberal and know what is good for people and premarital quarantine is right at the top of the list.

Go to Garrison Keillor and Friends on Substack   
for the rest of the column >>>

A reminder about Garrison Keillor and Friends

Garrison’s column and Post to the Host will be moving over to GK’s new digital platform on Substack, called Garrison Keillor and Friends. To receive this communication, you will need to click the subscribe button. Then, you’ll have a choice to select a free subscription or paid subscription. These emails from Garrison will be a new form of direct communication with you (you can comment right on the post). If you don't see emails in your Inbox after you subscribe, please check your Promotions or Spam folder and be patient as we work out some of the bugs. The Free subscribers will receive the column, Post to the Host, and another writing or two each week. When we start posting in The Back Room (in June), the Paid subscribers will, in addition, receive new works, previously unpublished works, interviews, videos, and a few surprises.   

Posts to the Host

Your weekly letters would be better if they weren’t about you so much. What you’re thinking about, feeling like, planning to do. Put plainly, you write better when you are writing about something other than yourself. The most readable parts of your letters are when you are describing something else — how children play, what people are doing on the street or in the park, what it’s like on the subway. Like most of your readers, we know you are 78. You don’t need to keep up the reminders. These weekly missives are like reading someone’s diary — stories and observations make for better reading. 
Phil Luecke
Bellevue, WA
 
You are probably right, Phil. I haven’t been getting out much during this pandemic period and so I don’t see as much as I used to. But I like to write about aging and marital life and ordinary matters. I enjoy being 78. It feels like a good subject. And if you want to read about what’s going on in the world, there are thousands of young ambitious writers who can tell you much more than I can.
GK
 

That Oklahoma land rush came from “the Indian Appropriation Acts, which, essentially, took Indian Territory out of Indian control and set the territory on the path to statehood by opening it to white settlers through “Land Rushes.” First begun in 1889, the U.S. government opened “unassigned lands” in Oklahoma to settlers. Sorry, but your great-great-grandfather was a thief … as were my forebears. Let’s hear it for some real nativism … where the Indians get some respect and payback.

May peace, light, and grace come to us all, and may we know that throwing stones is something we’re entitled to. As I just did. 
Stewart Dean
 
It’s a complicated history and there are plenty of scholarly books that attempt to uncover and explain it. My column was 750 words about restlessness and the urge to wander. If you study the histories, you’ll find that long before my ancestor and other white settlers came to Oklahoma, Indian nations had competed for dominance and many wars were fought. We were not the first invaders. Land ownership was a fairly loose idea.
GK
 

I was amazed in reading your column this morning to find that you also had a tour of the Vatican by Father Reginald Foster. My husband and I were privileged years ago to meet him in Rome also and receive a similar tour. Highlights were a private tour of the Sistine Chapel and behind the scenes visits to nonpublic chapels and artwork. It was a joy and privilege. His comments and criticisms of the establishment only added to the event!

I am wondering if you knew that Fr. Foster died this year. He had returned to the Holy Hill church outside of Milwaukee for the last several years. The world has lost a unique theologian, freethinker, and unashamed character!
Ginny Bolger
 
I did hear that Father Reginald died this year, back in Milwaukee. He was the top Latinist in the Vatican for years and I got to meet him through my friend John Thavis who was a journalist in Rome. Father Reginald dressed like a plumber and was dismissive of high church protocols but was devoted to Latin and (I’m told) a great teacher. The Latin in the column was not from him but from Google Translate and has mistakes in it. And I didn’t meet the pope, of course. 
GK

This week on A Prairie Home Companion

This week, we travel back to May 2004 for a jam-packed, music-filled show from the historic Ryman Auditorium in 2004 where listeners will be treated to Johnny Gimble and Peter Ostroushko picking the “Black and White Rag,” Kacey Jones tackles “King of the Road,” BR549 kicks it up with “Tangled in the Pines,” Alison Krauss goes gospel with “Blessed Jesus Holding my Hand,” and Buddy Emmons adds in “The Waltz You Saved for Me.” Plus the Guys All-Star Shoe Band, a few words from Fritz Electronics, a caper where Alison Krauss joins Tim Russell, Sue Scott, and Fred Newman in Guy Noir, plus the latest News from Lake Wobegon and much more! The link is posted on Saturdays at 5 p.m. CT each week on our Facebook page.

Listen to the Show>>>
Like our Facebook page >>>

Wobegon Boy: A Novel

Have you been missing the News from Lake Wobegon? Wobegon Boy magically weaves together the story of John Tollefson, who long ago escaped Lake Wobegon and moved to upstate New York to manage a radio station. After some life-changing news, he finds he must return home to Lake Wobegon, where the reader finds comedy and some universal truths. Here, an excerpt from Wobegon Boy by Garrison Keillor:

John Tollefson awoke to the clanging of the clock downstairs, and rose from bed, took out the plastic mouthpiece he wore to keep from grinding his teeth, did his deep knee bends and pushups, and touched his toes. His feet looked gnarly, with shoe marks on them. He definitely was getting a gut on him. He stepped out of his blue pajamas and looked at himself in the mirror on the bedroom-closet door. A middle-aged guy should check himself out every day and assess the devastation, he thought. The flab around the waist, the wobble under the chin. And he needed to practice smiling at himself in the mirror. Young guys can get away with being sullen; it even looks good on them. But on an older guy, gloominess looks like indigestion. People think you had too much knackwurst for lunch. 

An older guy has to lighten up and keep himself looking fresh. Smile at people. Keep his sense of humor. Even if he feels lonely as a barn owl. The world is interested, up to a point, in the sorrows of women, but it doesn’t give a hoot about the problems of a middle-aged Norwegian bachelor––and why should it? So don’t bother being unhappy; it only makes you look like a creep.

              Listen to an audio sample >>>
Buy the book >>>
Buy the book on CD >>>

Live from the Hollywood Bowl

The most recent professional recording from A Prairie Home Companion commemorates Garrison Keillor’s final show as host after 43 seasons. This 2-CD collection captures all the duets, stories, songs, and remembrances, plus a few words from former president Barack Obama! Remember one of the best live shows from the program’s rich history. Over 2 hours on 2 CDs. 

Watch the “Last Show” sketch >>>
 Buy the CD collection >>>

POEM Shirts

Anyone who has listened to A Prairie Home Companion knows that P.O.E.M. is an acronym for The Professional Organization of English Majors, our most literate sponsor! Show your literary pride with a shirt that comes in both short-sleeved and long-sleeved styles.

Short-Sleeve T-Shirt >>>
Long-Sleeve T-Shirt >>>