A private word from me to Joe

Joe Biden came to our apartment building for a fundraiser last week and the lobby was full of men in dark suits and sunglasses and I never got the chance to tell him that he needs to find a good recreational activity that will endear him to the millions of Americans who get their news from pictures rather than reading text. Standing at a lectern reading a speech is not enough. A candidate for president needs to look good while having fun, preferably in the great outdoors.

John F. Kennedy was a sailor and that image of him, at the helm of a boat steering into the Atlantic waves, was our first and lasting impression of him. He looked great with the wind in his face. Ronald Reagan looked terrific on horseback, thanks to his acting experience. He easily defeated Jimmy Carter who, against the advice of advisors, ran in a six-mile race and collapsed and the Secret Service had to carry him away, looking pale and sweaty and semi-conscious, not a good look for the Leader of the Free World.

Serious candidates should avoid strenuous physical activity of all sorts. You look exhausted and you’re likely to stumble, which would be seen by fifty million people and millions of advertising dollars would go down the toilet. Golf is the preferred presidential sport. You look good swinging a club and nobody notices that the ball landed in a marsh.

After Carter, Reagan beat Walter Mondale whose sport was fishing. A fisherman against a horseman? No contest. Walter should’ve gone fishing for tuna out on the Atlantic while at the helm of a yacht and haul the big fish into the boat himself without assistance while grinning, but instead he was in a rowboat on a lake in Minnesota. He didn’t look like a commander in chief; he looked like an insurance salesman.

Michael Dukakis was a capable governor but then he took a ride in a tank while wearing a helmet and he looked like a kid at an amusement park. That one photograph did him in. A presidential candidate should never be seen in a helmet. Same with wet suits. John Kerry wore one while windsurfing and it’s not a good look, it makes you look reptilian.

Al Gore would’ve been elected president if only he’d had a sport to offset his preachiness about climate change: touch football, tennis, horseshoes — if he’d hit a ringer and yelled, “Yes!” he’d’ve won Florida going away and become president and done good things to stabilize climate change but we never saw the fun side of him and the country suffered for that.

Hillary Clinton had no recreational activity other than attending committee meetings. Bowling could’ve worked for her: one strike and her leaping in the air and giving high-fives and whooping would’ve won her Wisconsin and the White House.

Biden needs a sport to put to rest the whispers about dodderiness. It’s nice to see him putting his arms around his dog and his grandkids — his predecessor was no hugger except with a few foreign leaders — but Biden needs to be seen being physically active. The press is waiting, cameras poised, hoping to see the guy stumble, and what you need to do, Joe, is go hiking in an open grassy area in chaps and boots, a leather vest, a bright red cap, a faithful dog at your side, a shotgun on your shoulder. The dog dashes ahead and flushes a pheasant from the brush and you raise the gun and fire it.

Yes, this will offend some vegans and progressives and people with pet pheasants, but everything you do comes with a price, and Dems need to broaden the base. The FDR wing of the party has faded away, we need to attract some people with tattoos and purple hair. Dems do well among fencers and archers but you need to connect with the rural male population that loves firearms. Guns have been around since the 14^th century. Get with it. Teddy Roosevelt had the disadvantage of a pampered New York upbringing and he overcame it by going out west and shooting things.

Americans want a leader who is not so obsessed with bureaucracy and jargon that he/she doesn’t know how to have a good time. You pick up a shotgun and you’re no longer a geezer, you’re iconic, you’re Buffalo Bill, Matt Dillon, Audie Murphy, GI Joe. You’ve got all the social workers and teachers, Joe, now you need to get the farmers and the cops.

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