Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, August 2 Thank You, Micki ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 27, in 1939, Albert Einstein signed a letter to President Roosevelt urging the U.S. to have an atomic weapons research program. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award DUI driver ran red light, caused deadly motorcycle crash in north Phoenix _________________________________________________ New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. --- David Letterman (1947 - ) __________________________________________________ THE DICTIONARY OF DATING ATTRACTION - the act of associating horniness with a particular person. LOVE AT 1st SIGHT - what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. DATING - the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. BIRTH CONTROL - avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men or spending time around children. EASY - a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. PRIG - a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married. EYE CONTACT - a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest. FRIEND - a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. INDIFFERENCE - a woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get." INTERESTING - a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. IRRITATING HABIT - what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months tog ether. LAW OF RELATIVITY - how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is. NYMPHOMANIAC - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. FRIGID - a man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown. SOBER - condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. NAG - a man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse. ___________________________________________________ Sally purchased an answering machine with a prerecorded mes- sage that used a male voice. She chose not to record a new message. The next Saturday she was "screening" her calls. The phone rang and the machine answered... After the message, there was a pause and the caller hung up. The phone rang a second time -- the same result. Then the phone rang a third time, and the person said: "This is your mother, I think. If I am, please call me." ----------------- Before Call Display my message was: "Black Diamond Mind Reading Institute. You have dialled a wrong number." Telemarketers did not like that at all! __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Jaimie Arce, 33, Phoenix, Arizpna, USA  DUI driver ran red light, caused deadly motorcycle crash in north Phoenix  A woman has been accused of driving under the influence after she reportedly crashed into a group of motorcycles in north Phoenix early Sunday morning. One motorcyclist died and two others were injured in the collision, which happened at around 3 a.m. on July 31 near 51st Avenue and Union Hills Drive. Police say 33-year-old Jaimie Arce was driving a hatchback when she ran a red light at the intersection, turning left in front of a group of four motorcycles heading west down Union Hills Drive. Only one of the motorcycles was able to avoid the vehicle. The other three crashed. Tucker Jon Colby, 19, died from his injuries at the hospital. A 24-year-old motorcycle rider sustained serious injuries, and the third, an 18-year-old man, received minor wounds. Arce, the driver of the car, reportedly displayed signs and symptoms consistent with impairment. She was booked into jail. _____________________________________________________ A refined New Russian comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. "Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. She does. "And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every cherry in a separate piece of paper, too." She does. "And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel in the corner. "Raisins," says the saleswoman, "But they are not for sale!" _____________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Maria RE: Alarmclock program Dear Webby, The Alarm program you once gave me got lost, when my computer died. Where do I find it? I am so used to it, I would hate to have to learn a new alarm program. Maria  Dear Maria It is still at http://webby.com/tools It is wayyyyyyy down onthat page. If your computer is infected with Microsoft Defender, it will hassle you, because it is not a Microsoft program. And it is from 1995. You CAN get around their harassment by insisting on running it anyway. If you get too many hassles from Microsoft or others, I will find you an alternative. The ZIP file includes a Readme.txt, that has all kinds of handy information, that nobody reads, because the program is so simple. I have used it since the mid 90. Interesting is that I got it set to alert me at 8:55 am my time, in time to skype Dad at 17:00 his time. He died Nov 30, but I did not kill that item yet. It feels like he is skyping me from his cloud. Have FUN! DearWebby ________________________________________________ The teacher was giving her class of seven-year-olds a natural- history lesson. "Worker ants," she told them, "can carry pieces of food five times their own weight. What do you conclude from that?" One child was ready with the answer: "They don't have a union." _____________________________________________________ >From Barb in Oz A bank officer heard this explanation for a farmers money troubles: It all started back in 1966 when they changed pounds to dollars, me bloomin overdraft doubles. Then they brought in killograms instead of pounds and me woolclip dropped by half. Then they changed rain to millimeters and we haven't had a inch of rain since. They brought in celsius and it never got over 40; no wonder me wheat wouldn't grow. Then they changed acres to hectares and I end up with half the land I had. By this time I'd had it and decided to sell out. I got the place in the agent's hands when they changed from miles to kilometres. Now I'm too far out of town for anyone to buy the stinking place!! _____________________________________________________   Arizona ___________________________________________________ The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would you like to donate something to the home for the aged?" The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law." _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ A doctor, an engineer, a rabbi and a politician were debating who was the world's first professional. The doctor said, "It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helped with the world's first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman?" "No," said the rabbi. ''It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world." "Wait," said the engineer, "The world was created in six days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized, civilized place from utter chaos?" "Yes, but who created the chaos?" asked the politician. ____________________________________________________   Tanya Wierenga Southern Alberta My very first White-Faced Ibis! Could not get over those iridescent feathers ___________________________________________________ >From Joe When I was in high-school, Joel, a buddy of mine & I were discussing a girl from French class we had both befriended. Her family had recently relocated to the metro area from a farm way out in the sticks. We both agreed that we'd never met a sweeter girl before, but she was too naive and trusting. Joel said, "Listen, for her own good, and as her friends, we've got to teach her quickly what's right & what's wrong." I replied, "Agreed! You teach her what's right." ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ >From Lynn When it comes to wine I'm very particular about what I buy. There are two things I look for before making my selection. First, the word "Wine" must appear somewhere on the label. This is something I insist on. Second, I look for a sign nearby that says "On Sale." Follow these two rules and you won't go far wrong. ______________________________________________________ A man will hit on a woman no matter what. If he's strapped to the electric chair and the woman throwing the switch is good looking, his last words will be, "Hey baby, how you doing?" ____________________________________________________ 
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 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, August 2, in 1776, Members of the Continental Congress began adding their signatures to the Declaration of Independence. 1791, Samuel Briggs and his son Samuel Briggs, Jr. received a joint patent for their nail-making machine. They were the first father-son pair to receive a patent. 1858, In Boston and New York City the first mailboxes were installed along streets. 1887, Rowell Hodge patented barbed wire. 1892, Charles A. Wheeler patented the first escalator. 1926, John Barrymore and Mary Astor starred in the first showing of the Vitaphone System. The system was the combining of picture and sound for movies. 1939, Albert Einstein signed a letter to President Roosevelt urging the U.S. to have an atomic weapons research program. 1939, U.S. President Roosevelt signed the Hatch Act. The act prohibited civil service employees from taking an active part in political campaigns. 1945, The Allied conference at Potsdam was concluded. 1964, The Pentagon reported the first of two North Vietnamese attacks on U.S. destroyers in the Gulf of Tonkin. 1983, U.S. House of Representatives approved a law that designated the third Monday of January would be a federal holiday in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. The law was signed by President Reagan on November 2. 1987, "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" was re-released. The film was 50 years old at the time of its re-release. 1990, Iraq invaded the oil-rich country of Kuwait. Iraq claimed that Kuwait had driven down oil prices by exceeding production quotas set by OPEC. 1995, China ordered the expulsion of two U.S. Air Force officers. The two were said to have been caught spying on military sites. 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!