1.  Assassins Gouged Out Haiti President’s Eyeball: Official

 GRUESOME END 

President Jovenel Moïse was murdered by a group of armed men at his home on Wednesday.

2.  Turns Out the Viral ‘Cat Person’ Story Wasn’t Quite Fiction

  PLOT TWIST 

Alexis Nowicki has revealed that her relationship with “Charles” ended up being the basis of Kristen Roupenian’s mega-viral 2017 piece.

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3.  I’ll Be Wearing This Dress (With Shorts Built-In) All Summer

 ALL DRESSED UP 

I got the chance to test three dresses from Outdoor Voices, Aerie, and Girlfriend Collective but the exercise dress from Outdoor Voices was my favorite.

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4.  Biden to Afghanistan Critics: How Many Kids Need to Die?

 RUN FOR THE DOOR 

“Let me ask those who want us to stay: How many more? How many more thousands American daughters and sons are you willing to risk?” Biden said Thursday.

5.  Trump Bills Secret Service $10K for Renting Golf Club Rooms

 OLD HABITS 

He left office months ago but Trump is still keeping his tradition of billing the Secret Service eye-watering amounts for rent.

6.  These Resistance Bands Help Me Get Back to Going to the Gym

 FEEL THE BURN 

Not only do these resistance bands come with five different levels of resistance, they also have a door anchor that makes for easy setup and takedown.

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7.  Tour Organizer: Hellish Flight Delay Wasn’t HS Group’s Fault

 ‘DISAPPOINTING’ 

American Airlines has said the students refused to wear masks, ultimately forcing their entire flight to be canceled.

8.  DMX’s Cause of Death Revealed Months After Passing: Report

 CLARITY 

The rapper was 50 years old when he died on April 9.

9.  Trans Incident That Sparked Protests at Spa Was Likely Fake

 HMMM 

Authorities have yet to find any evidence that a transgender person was at the Korean spa the day the Instagram user’s complaint was made.

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10.  Delta Variant Sends COVID Cases Soaring in 24 States: CNN

 WRONG DIRECTION 

Dow Futures plummeted early Thursday as fears of a new wave of infections is growing.

11.  Osaka Reveals the Celebs Who Reached Out Amid Hiatus

  ‘THANK YOU’ 

“I want to thank everyone who supported me,” Osaka wrote in an essay detailing the reasons behind her brief hiatus.

12.  Cop Convicted of Murdering Suicidal Man Is Still Being Paid

 SICKO LEAVE 

Records show that the Huntsville Police Chief even emailed staff, asking them to donate unused leave time to an unnamed colleague suffering from an undisclosed medical condition.

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13.  There’s One Clue That Kim Jong Un’s Weight Loss Isn’t Dire

 SLIMMING DOWN 

A South Korean lawmaker briefed by a spy agency said they don’t believe the dictator is battling any major illnesses.

14.  TikToker’s Escaped Cobra Was on the Loose in NC ‘for Months’

 SINCE NOVEMBER?!? 

Police used a glue trap at a neighbor’s house to capture the deadly snake, which charging documents say got out in November.

15.  VA GOP Guv Candidate: I Stay Quiet on Abortion to Keep Votes

 LIPS SEALED 

Glenn Youngkin said the quiet bit out loud, according to a video of remarks obtained by an online outlet.

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