1. Biden’s Top-Secret COVID Origin Report Is Inconclusive: WaPo

  BACK TO SQUARE ONE 

The classified report found that no one really knows how the COVID-19 pandemic started.

2. Nude ‘Nevermind’ Baby Sues Nirvana for Child Pornography

 DRAIN YOU 

Spencer Elden has recreated the famous pose of his infant self swimming towards a dollar bill numerous times but now feels betrayed.

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3. Test Drive This CBD Brand For the Low, Low Price of Free

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4. Erik Prince Charging $6,500 for Seat on Flight Out of Kabul

 MERCILESS 

Private defense contractors are bilking desperate Afghans with promises of safety.

5. Capitol Rioter Charged for ‘Throwing Photographer Over Wall’

 PUSH COMES TO SHOVE 

Benjamen Scott Burlew of Oklahoma has been charged for allegedly pushing an AP photographer over a wall during the insurrection.

6. Zappos’ 2021 VIP Sale Has Savings On All Our Favorite Brands

 VERY IMPORTANT SAVINGS 

From Levi’s to Adidas, score up to 35% off select styles

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7. Surviving Stones Mourn Charlie Watts: ‘Will Dearly Miss You’

 PAINT IT BLACK 

The three Rolling Stones have all offered their first public reactions after the death of their bandmate.

8. Johnson & Johnson Recommends a Second COVID Shot

 ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVE 

The popular one-and-done coronavirus vaccine maker says in order to be fully protected, those who took their jab will need a second shot.

9. Kanye West Files to Officially Change His Name to ‘Ye’

 ‘PERSONAL REASONS’ 

The popular rapper says he wants to officially change his name to the title of his 2018 album.

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10. Hamstring Injury Forces Serena Williams Out of U.S. Open

 BREAK POINT 

The tennis legend announced her withdrawal from the U.S. Open in New York City in a heartfelt Instagram post Wednesday.

11. Chinese Kids to Be Taught ‘Xi Jinping Thought’ at School

 SCHOOL OF THOUGHT 

China’s public school curriculum is being updated to include the president’s political ideology to help “teenagers establish Marxist beliefs.”

12. Taliban Going Door-to-Door to Hunt Down Female Judges: NBC

 ‘WE ARE IN DANGER’ 

American judges are now urgently working to rescue hundreds of their counterparts in Kabul.

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13. Fla. Teacher Couldn’t Get Vaxxed. Now She’s Dead of COVID.

 TRAGIC 

Kelly Peterson was undergoing treatment for leukemia but she was required to teach in-person at the school, despite the lack of a mask mandate.

14. Two Congressmen Took Joyride to Kabul During Evacuation

 A LITTLE GETAWAY 

“Many thanked us for coming,” Reps. Moulton and Meijer said in a statement.

15. Megan Thee Stallion Wins Battle Against Label Over BTS Remix

 HOT GIRL S**T 

Megan alleged that label executives told her the song with the mega-popular K-Pop group wouldn’t be good for her recording career.

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