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1. Secret Service Trolls Jan. 6 Panel, Submits ‘a Single Text’

  THANKS FOR NOTHING 

The House committee had subpoenaed all communications around the attack on the Capitol. It reportedly got just one text message.

POLITICS

2. Conservative Reporter Trounced in Maryland GOP Primary

 TWITTER CANDIDATE 

As of early Wednesday morning, Foldi had collected a measly 14.8 percent of the vote.

POLITICS

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3. Russia: West’s Weapons Will Make Us Take More Ukrainian Land

 PASSING THE BUCK 

Foreign minister claims the Western supply of long-range weapons to Ukraine has forced the Kremlin’s hand.

WORLD

4. Man Arrested for Drunkenly Terrorizing a Pelican

 LEAVE THAT BIRD ALONE 

Families with children at an Idaho campground reportedly watched the whole bizarre scene unfold.

U.S. NEWS

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5. BoJo Ends Final Question Session With ‘Hasta La Vista, Baby’

 TERMINATED 

The British prime minister invoked Arnie after resigning in disgrace.

WORLD

6. Quidditch Renamed to Distance Sport From J.K. Rowling

 NEW BROOM 

The niche sport from the books has taken issue with what it considers transphobic statements from the “Harry Potter” author.

U.S. NEWS

7. London Fire Service Sees Busiest Day Since the Blitz: Mayor

 LONDON’S BURNING 

Homes went up in flames on the hottest day in British history.

WORLD

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8. Ph.D. Claimed to Be Medical Doctor to Write Fake COVID Docs

 DO NO HARM 

The dodgy “doctor” with degree in professional studies pocketed more than $120,000 in the scam.

WORLD

9. House Passes Bill to Protect Same-Sex, Interracial Marriages

 SETTING IN STONE 

After fears the Supreme Court may look to roll back more s after Roe v. Wade.

POLITICS

10. Suspect in Gaga’s Dog Walker Shooting Accidentally Freed

 OOPSIE-DAISY 

James Jackson, 19, is said to be “armed and dangerous” after being released due to a clerical error.

U.S. NEWS

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11. Zoo Introduced Lioness to New Male Partner. He Killed Her.

 BRUTAL 

Akili was fatally mauled with minutes of her introduction to Josh.

U.S. NEWS

12. Furious Amazon Sues Thousands Over Fake Facebook Reviews

 NO REFUND 

As the problem grows increasingly painful, Amazon has apparently had enough and is now taking action.

U.S. NEWS

13. Grand Jury Declines to Indict in 9-Year-Old’s Shooting Death

 ‘F*CKING BULLSH*T’ 

The man accused of shooting Arlene Alvarez was the victim of a robbery, police said.

U.S. NEWS

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