1. Trump Defense Sec: We Weren’t Really Gonna Exit Afghanistan

  ‘WISHFUL THINKING’ 

Chris Miller now claims that Trump’s deal with the Taliban was actually all just a “play.”

2. Fox News Orders Every Staff Member to Reveal Vaccine Status

 RISK ASSESSMENT 

Tucker Carlson has repeatedly been prickly when asked if he’s taken his shots.

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3. This Affordable Moisturizer Is the Best I’ve Ever Tried

 SLATHER IT ON 

I’ve tried other hyaluronic acid-based moisturizers, and none of them worked like this.

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4. Missouri Lawmaker’s Unvaccinated Husband Dies From COVID-19

 ‘saddens my heart’ 

Sara Walsh said she also refused to get vaxxed because the shots have not been approved by the FDA.

5. 35 Missing After Fred Dumps Foot of Rain on North Carolina

 FRED’S FURY 

Officials said Tropical Storm Fred caused some of the state’s worst ever flooding.

6. Lululemon’s Face Mask Feels Like Leggings for Your Face

 ALL COVERED UP 

I was worried about the strap construction, but it’s great for double masking and offers a really nice and secure fit, too.

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7. First COVID Case Hits Paralympic Village Amid Japan Surge

 IT’S HERE 

More than 70 cases have now been tied to the Paralympic Games.

8. Alabama Is Officially Out of ICU Beds Amid Delta Surge

 DIRE IN DIXIE 

“We’ve never been here before,” said the head of the Alabama Hospital Association.

9. NYC Taxi Driver Discovers Drunk Passenger Is Actually Dead

 CRUEL SURPRISE 

It was only at the destination that the driver found out his passenger wasn’t simply unconscious.

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10. Racist Florida ‘Karen’ IDed as Gifted Student Specialist

 ‘MULATTO KIDS’ 

Patricia Schmidt was caught on tape yelling, “Are they your mulatto kids?” to a family on a sidewalk.

11. Larry David Screams at Dershowitz in Martha’s Vineyard

 ‘I SAW YOU’ 

“I saw you with your arm around Pompeo! It’s disgusting!” David yelled at Dershowitz.

12. Boebert Didn’t Mention Spouse’s $500K Income During Campaign

 SEEMS RELEVANT 

GOP congresswoman’s husband, Jayson Boebert, raked in hundreds of thousands doing consultancy work for an oil and gas firm in Colorado.

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13. New ‘Jeopardy’ Host’s Crude Podcast Comments Unearthed

 ‘BOOBY PICTURES?’ 

“Ixnay on the ose-nay,” Mike Richards said on his podcast “The Randumb Show.” “She’s not an ew-Jay.”

14. 20,000 Kids Quarantined in Mississippi After Schools Open

 MISSISSIPPI DELTA 

Nearly 6,000 have tested positive for COVID-19 in the past two weeks, and two have died.

15. Education Dept. to Invoke Civil Rights to Deter Mask Bans

 PUSHBACK 

Secretary Miguel Cardona told The New York Times that he believes the states could be interfering with students’ civil rights.

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