Dear Friends,
One of the hardest things we will ever do in life is to be in a loving, committed relationship with another human. Relationship courses are some of our most popular on DailyOM and for good reason. My interview today is with Arielle Ford. She has been working in the industry for over 30 years and is often referred to as "The Cupid of Consciousness." Arielle wants both men and women to find love, keep love, and be loved. Read on for more!
Madisyn Taylor: You write in your course that "love is both a choice and a behavior." What do you mean by this?
Arielle Ford: So many people think that love is just a feeling, and then they gauge whether or not they "love" someone based upon how they feel rather than what true, mature love is all about. On the days in which you don't "feel the love" for your partner, we must remember that loving them is a choice. It is a behavior because as anyone who has been married knows, there will be days when you don't like or even hate your partner's actions, but it doesn't mean you don't love them. And this is totally normal. You hear people say, "I still love him but I am not in love with him anymore." Well, that is also true for most happily married couples. While there are certainly feelings that accompany love, they are different from "being in love," which is a fabulous feeling mash-up of oxytocin, dopamine, adrenalin, and other hormones and chemicals. Thus it's critical to understand that loving your partner is making the daily, sometimes hourly, commitment to act lovingly toward them. This is what I mean that it is a choice and a behavior.
MT: How should we make this commitment daily?
AF: It isn't always easy. Our partner may do and say things that trigger us, and we want to lash back at them, ending up with a recurring, negative feedback loop. If you ask most people about their priorities in life, most will list their romantic partner as a top priority. But if you follow them around for a day and track the amount of time they spend on various things, you will see that the relationship probably doesn't even rank in their top five. They're focused on kids, work, and errands, and all the outside demands of life, but they are not focused on their partner. Yes, life, especially if you have kids, is crazy and demanding, but just like your body needs food for fuel and nourishment, your love life also needs to be fed. Putting your spouse on your to-do list makes sense. Map out time each day to connect and communicate with them. Make time to observe how they are and what they are contributing to you and the family, and then be sure to acknowledge them for all the things they are doing well. To do this you really need to be paying attention, not just checking your phone. As human beings we pretty much all have the same basic needs, including wanting to be loved for who we are, to be seen and heard, and, most important, appreciated.
MT: Many people enter relationships thinking they can fix the other person. Talk to me about this notion.
AF: If you're with someone who is a danger to themselves, you, or anyone else via bad, illegal, or dangerous behavior, then you must seek professional help. If you are worried about their lifestyle, which you deem not "healthy," and would like them to change their eating, exercise, or screen-time habits, it is my belief that you should lead by example and not by complaining, nudging, or begging. For everything else, I believe that we often want to "fix" someone because we disagree with how they live life, or they do many things differently from the way we do it or what we believe to be the "correct" way. We "wish" they would be on time, tidier, or like the room temperature 10 degrees hotter; you wish they would choose the beach over the mountains or offer more help with the chores--thus we want to "fix" this behavior. Ultimately it is not our job to fix our partner. Ideally, you choose to be a loving and supportive partner that is looking to give what is most needed in the relationship without becoming a martyr or disrespecting them in any way. This takes staying centered in your heart and conscious about how you are showing up in the relationship.
MT: In lesson 12 you teach about kindness and how it is the antidote to contempt and criticism. Many people think that needing to be kind in a relationship doesn't feel sincere, especially if it doesn't come naturally to them.
AF: As children we were taught the Golden Rule: Do to others as you would have them do to you. Don't we all want to be treated with kindness? Being a good listener does not come naturally to me. I am an oldest child, and I am more interested in the thoughts in my head than what most people have to say to me. I struggle to stay present when other people are talking, especially my husband whom I adore. He is a youngest child who spent his early days fighting to be heard and is easily ticked off when he sees that I am drifting and not paying attention to him. Early on in our marriage this was a source of great tension and many bad moments. I realized one day that if I didn't change, if I didn't learn how to listen to him, he would eventually go and find someone who would listen to him. This meant that I had to become aware of my behavior. When he spoke to me, I looked up from whatever screen I was engaged with, turned my body toward him, and listened. I also learned an easy technique for active listening whereby you parrot back to your partner what you believe you heard them say to make sure you really got it. And then you ask them this brilliant short question: "Is there more?" Now, 22 years later, this isn't a big issue for us anymore, but it still crops up from time to time--only now sometimes Brian just laughs and says, "Oh dear, this is my issue, my need to be heard," and sometimes I quickly apologize and say, "You're right, I drifted, I wasn't listening, please forgive me."
MT: You state in your course that most couples have the same common issues that are the source of their arguments. How can we keep these issues from becoming blowups?
AF: To avoid blowups you have to become personally responsible for your behavior when things begin to turn tense or nasty. Ideally, you will call a time out and go do something that will get you back to neutral. Take the time you need to go for a walk, take a bath, write in your journal, and see if you can figure out why you are so plugged in. One of the ways I can quickly get back to neutral is through EFT tapping.
MT: Yes, you have a lesson in your course about EFT (emotional freedom technique). Tell me how tapping can help in relationships.
AF: EFT is a self-talk technique that involves tapping on a variety of meridian points on the face and upper body and often in less than five minutes can greatly reduce or eliminate emotional upset. I use it nearly every day. It also helps to remember that this person is your priority, hopefully, your best friend and lover, and they did not wake up this morning thinking about how to make you miserable. See if you can come up with a creative solution to whatever the issue is. Is whatever they are doing a reason not to love them? If you had to, could you lobby on their behalf about why what they're doing is okay? No matter how great your relationship is, there will continue to be moments of disagreement. That's normal. It never ends, but what can change is how you respond.
MT: I happen to know you and your husband personally, and you are very sweet together and make it look easy. Do you mind speaking more about your personal relationship? I would love to know your biggest challenge.
AF: As I already mentioned, our biggest issue has been around me being a bad listener. I continue to work hard to correct this, and while getting better all the time, it still happens. Also, one of the things I often get taken to task for is that I am the messy one, and there are times when it drives Brian crazy. I don't see bread crumbs on the counter, I don't put the recyclables into the bin in an orderly fashion, and there are others. He drives me crazy when he watches the TV super loud, or, worse, every TV in the house is on in every room but he isn't even in the house. Long ago I figured out that asking him to turn off the TV or turn it down just annoyed both of us. It's faster and easier for me to pick up the remote control and turn off the TV in the rooms he isn't in, and to turn down the volume when he leaves a room to go to the bathroom or whatever. Problem solved. The most important thing we do to keep us happily together is this: We make all of our major decisions and choices not based on what do I want or what does he want but rather by asking "what will most serve the relationship." This makes decision-making simple. It also helps that both of us are devoted to each other, and the happiness of the other is always a priority.
We need love as much as we need food, air and water. And for most of us, there's a desire to have more than just friends and pets to love. We're looking for someone to spend our life with. A soulmate. A best friend. A partner for life. Unfortunately though, sometimes real love can get messy. No relationship escapes the inevitable days of disappointment, anger, frustration, pain, and even the occasional desire to bolt. Even though our love starts off as a dream come true, there are days when it devolves into our worst nightmare. The good news? It doesn't have to be this way. Before now, you just probably never received the education necessary to grow love into a lifetime of happiness. This course provides proven solutions to discover how to overcome the most common struggles in relationships. You'll learn how to change and manage your emotions. How to get your needs met. How to redefine your thoughts and beliefs about your partner. How to "self-soothe." And, most importantly, how to build a deep, intimate relationship. Even if that seems impossible right now. You'll be guided by love and relationship expert, Arielle Ford, who will share daily short videos along with lessons that will give you the "secret sauce to real love" through the research and tools she has discovered over the past decade.
Starting today, you will receive a new lesson every day for 3 weeks (total of 21 lessons). Each lesson is yours to keep and you'll be able to refer back to it whenever you want. And if you miss a lesson or are too busy to get to it that day, each lesson will conveniently remain in your account so you won't have to search for it when you're ready to get back to it.
We are offering this course with the option of selecting how much you want to pay. No matter how much you pay, you'll be getting the same course as everybody else. We simply trust that people are honest and will support the author of the course with whatever they can afford. And if you are not 100% satisfied, we will refund your money.
Thank you, Arielle, for sharing your years of knowledge with us. I think it is also good to say that when we work on our love relationships, it really helps to strengthen all of our relationships, including those with our friends, family members, and even coworkers. Until next time.
Be well,
Madisyn Taylor
Cofounder, Editor-in-Chief
DailyOM
