Crucial Learning
Crucial Skills | A Blog by Crucial Learning

JULY 20, 2022 • VOL. 20 ISSUE 29

Hi John,

After a two-year hiatus, we are thrilled to resume in-person courses and course previews.

Right now you can preview Crucial Conversations® or Getting Things Done® in select cities across the country, from Seattle to DC.

When you attend a free course preview, you will learn a few skills from the course, see how they are taught, and get your questions answered from our master trainers and client advisors. This is the best way to determine whether a course is right for your team.

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RESPONDING TO ACCUSATIONS

by Kerry Patterson

I read Crucial Conversations and Crucial Accountability and have tried to implement the skills in the books, but I still have a hard time dealing with accusations. The problem is that the first instinct when someone accuses you is to restore safety or use contrasting to solve the misunderstanding, but the accuser does not seem to be affected by those actions.

Instead, they continue to draw incorrect conclusions about you or something you did. I’m sure a lot of people experience this same issue. What am I missing here and what is the best way to reply to someone who wrongly accuses you?

Signed,
Struggling with Accusations

Thank you for raising this important issue. Of course, not all accusations are alike. It might feel more like a slight chiding or a gentle reminder. In this rather innocuous case, you can assess the feedback and adjust accordingly.

I believe the accusation you have in mind is more akin to a tense, sharply delivered statement that not only accuses you of malfeasance but feels like an attack. As you fall under a verbal assault—say, one that questions your reliability, integrity, or talent—it’s likely you’ll become angry in return. When this happens, your natural response to what feels like a mild physical threat is to move from your “know” to your “go” system and react in a defensive and also stupid way.
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The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the fellow in the next apartment.
 

—Ruth Brown