Boris Johnson must be looking forward to the Jubilee more than anyone. Aiding Houdini-in-Chief’s latest miraculous escape is the Queen’s 70th anniversary on the throne, which is perfect timing to distract from the most recent instalment of the never-ending Partygate franchise (for my money, the lamest of all the Marvel movies).

Not everyone is looking forward to it, however. There are those of us for whom the sight of our high streets tarted up with flags cannot distract from cost-of-living gloom (might we be told to repurpose them as blankies for winter?). There are those of us who find the idea of speaking to our neighbours, let alone socialising with them, less appealing that a stint in the Love Island villa (exposing, awkward, may involve fancy dress). There are those of us who respect the Queen but don’t necessarily want to celebrate the monarchy as an institution.

Nevertheless, there is also a four-day weekend, which only a masochist would sniff at. So, party poopers, pack-revelry rejectors and bunting boycotters of this green and pleasant land, unite! Here are some suggestions of how to spend the long weekend, especially for you:

• Watch The Sopranos, from beginning to end. This is what I did during Lockdown 1. Accompany with spaghetti.
• And once you’ve done that, take your cue from Tony Soprano and spend the full 96 hours in a dressing gown (I like Tekla’s for luxurious comfort dressing that doesn’t say I’ve Given Up).
• Freeze your beauty blender: the Tik Tok beauty hack promises a dewy finish to makeup. See it here.
• Avoid social media hysteria and log off. For four full days. Get writing some actual letters, a touching gesture that is charming and also (almost) free.
• Call your exes. IDK if that’s a good idea, but it’s a distracting one…
• Also a distraction (possible a better one, but…) this summer’s boob-baring and underwear-exposing naked dresses. Try one out, and – bonus! – guarantee avoiding last minute invites to street parties with children present.
• Actually, finally, really put your eBay pile (I know you have one) on eBay. The auction site now offers a free authentication service for handbags sold over £500.
• Ponder life’s big questions. Why can’t Kendall Jenner cut a cucumber? Who is Austin Butler? Am I the arsehole?
• Read this week’s Grazia, obviously.
• And finally… Take your cue from Princess Diana who was famously snapped resting her eyes at a V&A Museum event in 1981 (see main pic). Bed, white and blue!

Laura