Let's Talk About It

Raising Awareness: Saturday, October 15, is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day — which honors the individuals and families affected by miscarriage, stillbirth, and other losses.

The Story

The loss of a pregnancy or infant is one many people have experienced firsthand — even if it doesn’t seem like it. Miscarriages (which technically means the loss of a pregnancy before 20 weeks) are most common, affecting up to 1 in 4 known pregancies. Stillbirths (or the loss of a pregnancy at 20 weeks or later) happen in about 1 in every 175 births. And infant loss affects thousands of people every year, with causes ranging from SIDS to pregnancy complications.

I had no idea.

That’s because, often, people process in silence. Today’s all about bringing the issue front and center — so people can feel more comfortable talking about it, whether in private or in public. And so friends and family can help in a way that’s most supportive. Because, let’s be honest, it can sometimes be hard to know what to do or say. That’s why we asked Skimm’rs who’ve experienced this kind of loss to share what helped…

• Talk about it. Many said it was helpful to hear from other people who've had a similar experience. Others wished that talking about miscarriage was more common, so they could feel more at ease sharing their stories. That goes for men, too, who may also be grieving.

• Respond mindfully. For many, phrases like, “You aren’t alone,” “It’s not your fault,” “I’m sorry,” “It’s okay not to be okay,” and “I love you, and I’m here for you” are important to hear. (As a general rule, it’s best to follow the person’s lead, but some who lost their infant said they also appreciated when people mentioned their child’s name or talked about their baby.) Others shared a few phrases that, while well-intentioned, can feel minimizing or hurtful, like, “If it was meant to be, it’ll happen” or “You can try again.” 

• Create time and space in other ways. Thoughtful actions (think: offering to walk their dog, bringing them dinner, doing their laundry) can make a big difference. Because it gives them additional time to process. And grieving can make day-to-day tasks especially tough.

• Make sure to check in, and keep checking in. Many said it helped when friends and family asked how they were doing regularly (think: every few weeks, or even more often if you’re close) without the pressure to respond. Remember, grieving can be a long process.

theSkimm

PS: If you’ve experienced the loss of a pregnancy or infant, you can call or text the Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 1-800-944-4773 for resources.