Dear John,
The Season of Giving!
The December holidays are often associated with sales, shopping and malls but the true meaning of the holidays has little to do with gadgets, toys and other gifts. Rabbi Mychal Copeland shares how she and her family focus on philanthropy as a meaningful way to celebrate the holidays.
We look forward to hearing your responses and welcome any feedback or insights on how your family makes it all work! |
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The spirit of giving Years ago, I struggled with how I was going to do Hanukkah in our home. Christmas was already set. We visit my partner’s parents who aren’t Jewish for the holiday season. I tell our kids, as do many Jewish parents in interfaith relationships, that we are helping their grandparents celebrate Christmas. It may sound a little weak but it is really true. Their grandparents would be sad to not have family around their tree, as would my partner. And our Jewish kids love getting a taste of Christmas even though they know it’s not “our” holiday. (For more on different approaches to celebrating Hanukkah and Christmas, check out our Guide for Interfaith Families.)
But what to do about Hanukkah? This still posed a problem. My kids come to expect presents for Christmas, and I didn’t want them to receive too much at this time of year. Did they really need the eight nights of presents I grew up with if they were about to receive mounds of gifts a few weeks later? And what if they overlapped? It would send a message of overabundance I try to temper all year long and would feel antithetical to the values I’m trying to instill.
I also didn’t want to fall into the trap of pitting the two holidays against each other. When Hanukkah and Christmas compete, Hanukkah loses every time. It is a minor Jewish holiday only made grand here in the United States by its proximity to Christmas. I’m not a fan of lifting it up in importance to make a point. Instead, in our family we expend that energy by going big with the more important Jewish holidays and Shabbat year round.
So the question remained: What would I want my kids to associate with Hanukkah as they grow up? |
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The answer came to me one year when I was doing my end of year philanthropic donations. I thought about the proximity of Hanukkah and the symbol of gelt, and the larger societal messages about December as a time of giving. As I waded through the mail, I recalled the piles of leaflets on my kitchen table growing up and how much I learned from my parents teaching me about the organizations they support. The timing was perfect! I decided to make Hanukkah into a holiday of giving--not receiving.
In the glow of the Hanukkah candles, I teach my kids that tzedakah comes from the Hebrew root meaning “justice” and that philanthropic giving is a way we can help bring justice to the world. At their ages, they love the idea that life could be fairer. I gather all of the leaflets we receive from organizations and ask the kids what they think. Which communities would they want to support? What makes them upset as they look around their world, from natural disasters to homelessness to our treatment of the environment? We poke around online as they think about people who had a particularly rough year. I tell them how much we have to give, and ask them to make the tough choices about how to divide it up. Do we give a lot to a few places and really make an impact? Or give a little to many organizations so they know we care about them? Each year as they grow in maturity, I give them new problems to solve. Now, we put coins in a tzedakah box throughout the year before lighting candles on Friday night and they know that this money will also go to the Hanukkah giving pot.
Their choices have evolved over time. The first time we did this, they were excited about Sesame Workshop because bright red Elmo was (wisely) featured on the organization’s envelope. Next was their Jewish summer camp that suffered fire damage. Then we tackled the question of whether to give to local food banks or hunger advocacy organizations trying to stamp out poverty from the top down. Would they rather support people in their neighborhood, in other regions of the country, or elsewhere in the world? The year the Defense of Marriage Act was struck down, we discussed giving to Lambda Legal, an organization defending cases for the LGBT community. As they become more concerned about the environment, we have looked for organizations that address their concerns. This year, we will add to the list the importance of InterfaithFamily, helping families like ours navigate the holidays. (Yes, that was a not-so-subtle plug!) There is so much to do that it easily lasts eight nights.
In many families, the emphasis of the Christmas season is on the spirit of giving. If this is what you hope your family takes away from the holiday, are there ways you can encourage that connection with the Christmas holiday? Is there anything besides family gift giving that is a tradition in your home around this time of year-like volunteering at soup kitchens, donating needed household items, reaching out to other religious communities, visiting the sick? It’s a great time of year to get kids (and adults!) thinking outside of their little bubble to the outside world. Is there a ritual or activity you would like to introduce? By consciously highlighting tzedakah as a specific value, hopefully kids will take the best from both of the December holidays that are part of their lives. |
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Communication Questions: Share your answers with your partner and/or family as you begin to make your December choices this year. What holiday traditions did each of you grow up with? Which are still meaningful to you now? Tell each other why. Have you experienced any “competition” between the holidays at this time of year in your home? What are the values you and your family want to bring into this holiday season? Can you think of other ways to differentiate between the holidays so they carry their own meanings?
When having these conversations it is always important not only to think through your wants and needs but also that much harder question of Why? When you can answer the WHY, the what and how can be a lot easier.
Here are some more stories about Hanukkah, Christmas and giving: The Twelve Days of Interfaith Holidays Charity Begins at Home Share the Gift of Giving |
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Please feel free to contact our rabbis if you have any questions, comments or are looking for some help as you think about how you will celebrate the holidays with your family.
Sincerely, The IFF Rabbis rabbi@interfaithfamily.com (617) 581-6860 |
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