Fifteen, twenty years?
Let me tell you a story. When I was a pastor, I was also a worship leader. I wrote worship songs. I even made a worship CD at my last church. Half the songs were mine. One of them was so popular that I was informed it almost made it onto the Vineyard Worship CD compilation for that year. It was #13 out of 12. Darn
When I left the ministry in 2010, I packed my beautiful Taylor guitar that Lisa bought for me years before and never opened it again. That was 14 years ago.
I have musician friends. They knew I was a musician and had heard my stuff. Some of them even played with me back then. They kept coaxing me to get back into it. I’d pull my guitar out and try to write a love song or anything except worship. But I got nothing. So away the guitar would go again.
Thinking about it a lot, I wondered if it was because I was so passionate about the music I was writing and performing as a worship leader… it was so thoroughly engaging to every part of my being… that writing about other things didn’t seem to stir me in the same way at the same level. I mean… I’m very passionate about love. I'd written love songs for Lisa. But there was something that drilled far more deeply into my soul in worship music.
Now… I listen to music all the time. But not worship music. I couldn’t handle it. I didn't want to.
Then the other day when I was running I noticed a song playing deep in my being, “Draw Me Close” (the Live version on Spotify). It’s an old Vineyard worship song. It was probably my favorite. I remember the first time I ever heard it at a conference, and it struck such a deep chord in me. It really did express the existential/spiritual longing from the depths of my being. I think it is the song of my soul… if there is such a thing.
What’s weird is I don’t necessarily subscribe to the beliefs underlying the song anymore or the theology of the one who wrote it. But it’s a song my soul sings, for some reason. If there is a soul!
So… last weekend was a profound weekend for me because that song resonated and rose once more from the depths of my being. For the first time, I decided to look it up on Spotify and listen to it. I wasn’t repulsed. I wasn't tempted to skip the song. I listened to the whole thing.
And I didn’t die! I wasn’t even triggered.
In fact, it led me to other songs that I used to love and sing all the time. Like “Hide Me Now (Still)” by Geraldine Latty. Another one I loved a lot.
Again, I wasn’t repulsed.
I wasn’t triggered.
I was, instead, moved.
Years ago I was gifted the entire West Wing DVD set because I loved that show. In one episode, a therapist is flown in to meet with the president who is suffering from PTSD. The president isn’t a very compliant client. The therapist ensures the president something like, “We do this so that you can remember it without reliving it.”
To remember without reliving. Yes!
It took me 14 years to get to the point where I could listen to a worship song again without getting triggered. I can remember the beauty of the songs and those days without reliving the pain of the abuse I suffered or the grief I endured when I had to leave it all.
I've pulled my guitar out again.
Let’s see what happens next.
