‘A dark day for England’? Hysteria and dumb interrogatory projectiles fly

Confirmation of the Football Association appointing Thomas Tuchel as head coach of the England national team has prompted a variety of responses from the usual quarters, much of it measured and an unsurprisingly large amount of it totally and utterly deranged. Opinion seems divided into three distinct camps: those who think he’s the best candidate who is currently available and aren’t particularly fussed that the 51-year-old’s a forrin; those who would rather have an Englishman in charge of the national team (unless the man in question happens to be Pep Guardiola); and those who have been sent to the brink of total madness by the apparently extraordinary decision to hire a forrin so GERMAN, they felt compelled to spell Tuchel’s nationality out in giant block capitals under a hysterical headline, with an editorial about this being “A DARK DAY FOR ENGLAND”.

The subtext (and indeed much of the actual text) in the comment piece and an accompanying polemic was clear – while almost 80 years may have passed since the end of the second world war, Germans should still be “for the watching” and certainly shouldn’t be put in charge of the national football team. In appointing Tuchel, the excessively woke FA is selling its proud heritage down the river Rhine to a nation of humourless, ruthlessly efficient, garden gnome-loving, bratwurst-eating, Lederhosen-wearing sunbed-hoggers, whose first order of business will almost certainly be replacing that effing England band everyone dislikes with a more upbeat oompah equivalent, whose members might refuse to soundtrack international matches with a relentless dirge from the soundtrack of a 1963 film set during one of the bloodiest conflicts in human history.

Of course, the less bonkers argument that international tournaments should pit “the best of theirs” against “the best of ours” and participating teams should be coached by native men or women is not without merit. It is also one that was attempted with varying degrees of witlessness and intelligence by assorted bottom- and top-tier broadcast pundits wheeled out to pass the hours leading up to Tuchel’s unveiling at Wembley. To be honest, Football Daily can’t really remember who exactly said what, due in no small part to being distracted by the preposterously large bananas sitting on a bowl on the kitchen island in front of which Jamie Redknapp had set up his zoom call to Sky Sports News.

“I’m sorry, I just have a German passport,” said Tactics Tommy, when the thorny issue of him NOT BEING ENGLISH was inevitably raised just two questions into his introductory press conference. “Maybe if these supporters [who don’t want me] felt my passion for the Premier League and the country, how I love to live here and work here … hopefully, I can convince them and show them how I am proud to be the England manager. I am proud and I will do everything to show respect to this role and to this country and the target for the next 18 months is nothing else.” A couple of queries later and the inevitable, totally dumb interrogatory projectile regarding Tuchel’s thoughts on singing the national anthem before games was hurled his way and he played it with a diplomatically straight bat.

“Yeah, I understood from Mark [Bullingham, chief FA blazer] that it’s a personal decision, first of all. There are managers who sing it and others who didn’t. I have not made my decision yet; I want to be very honest with you all. Your anthem is very moving and I experienced it several times here at Wembley. No matter what decision I will take, I will always show my respect to the new role, to the country and to a very moving anthem.” While his perfectly reasonable reply is unlikely to satisfy the more unhinged elements of the media, Tuchel is not due to take up his role until the new year, a state of affairs that means he will be spared any poppy-related hysteria that might arise during the next international break. The job of handling that will fall to the interim coach and former IRISH international Lee Carsley before a game against the Republic of Ireland at Wembley. God help the poor sod, a stonewall certainty to get it in the neck from media dingbats from one camp or other whatever he does.

Join Sarah Rendell from 8pm BST for minute-by-minute coverage of Arsenal 2-0 Vålerenga in Women’s Big Cup.

“I’m just enjoying all this. I am more emotional than ever and taking all the love from the people because I know these can be my last games. Being surrounded by younger teammates, given my age, makes me feel like a kid again” – Lionel Messi, who made his debut for Barcelona 20 years ago today, hints the end of his Argentina career may be close.

I realise for you youngsters who run Football Daily that the 1960s is probably prehistoric, but I reckon that Alf Ramsey would have something to say as to whether managing the England team is an impossibility (yesterday’s Football Daily). Now he didn’t do too badly, did he? You can look it up in the ancient scrolls that I am sure the FA keeps somewhere” – David Paradine.

Disappointed that you mentioned Exeter v Barnet and the away end at St James Park (yesterday’s Road to Wembley, full email edition), but omitted to point out that the structure once belonged to Wealdstone FC, who did all the leg work but [snip – Football Daily Lawyers]” – Neale Harvey.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … David Paradine. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

You can now get a copy of the latest David Squires cartoon on Lawyerball. And looking for a book? Take a gander around our bookshop (including David’s latest, Black Arsenal and the A to Z of Sunday League Football).

The women’s game may be in rude health at the top level, but the cases of Solihull Moors and Liverpool Feds offer a stark contrast lower down the pyramid, as Tom Garry reports in this week’s edition.

Clubs in Europe’s top five divisions lost €732m (£610m) in wages paid to knacked players last season, an increase on previous campaigns and a figure recorded before the impact of an expanded club calendar has been felt.

Scotland have now won just once in 16 games (against Gibraltar) but a history-making fifth successive defeat was averted by the stalemate with Portugal. “It was a good shift,” cheered Steve Clarke. “It’s not about turning a corner, it’s about working hard and not letting the country down.”

Northern Ireland Five Nil?

Brazil are also finding some momentum again, thanks to a 4-0 beatdown of Peru. “We have to realise that this is a group in the making and that it needs adjustments,” declared head coach Dorival Júnior. “I don’t delude myself with any situation, just as I didn’t despair when the disputes were rife.”

USA USA USA manager Mauricio Pochettino isn’t making too much of their 2-0 friendly defeat to Mexico, his second game in charge. “It wasn’t a great performance but this type of game is perfect for us to learn,” he tooted. “Mexico was a bit better and fully deserved the victory. But for us, it is a process.”

Manchester City will start sniffing around Sporting head coach Rúben Amorim should Pep Guardiola do one at the end of the season.

And National League outfit Hartlepool have given manager Darren Sarll the boot after a 3-1 FA Cup qualifying replay defeat at Brackley Town.

You’ll be wanting some red-hot Tuchel analysis then … so here’s Barney Ronay on an intriguing, baggage-heavy appointment that might just work, while Jacob Steinberg discusses the German’s tactical strengths and achievements.

From an appointment to a departure: Suzanne Wrack assesses what went wrong for Jonas Eidevall at Arsenal.

What is the latest meeting in a season between two teams with perfect records? The Knowledge knows.

John Duerden has the latest from the Korean national teams, with the South on course for another World Cup finals but the North toiling badly.

And more nostalgic Serie A five-a-side picking fun, this time with Martin Dunlop choosing an all-time Roma quintet.

Wimbledon fans came prepared to judge Jürgen Klinsmann’s diving when Tottenham came to Selhurst Park on 1 October 1994. The German arrived in the Premier League with a reputation for gamesmanship but soon won over English fans – and Big Sunday Paper journos. Klinsmann didn’t score in this 2-1 win for Spurs, but came back to haunt Dons fans in his second spell in England, scoring four goals in a 6-2 win to help Spurs stay up in May 1998.