England after Southgate: choose your own adventure

With Gareth Southgate departing his role as England manager, who is next in the hot seat? Here are a few candidates a window into the imagined future of what could happen, should they get the job.

Eddie Howe: The FA immediately puts all the goodwill that Southgate has garnered into paying Saudi-controlled Newcastle a hefty compensation fee to lure Howe, despite the Magpies’ best efforts. But with Kieran Trippier switched from left-back to right-wing, and Nick Pope replacing Jordan Pickford in goal, mutiny breaks out across the squad, with Howe unsure as how to clear up the mess, shirking his media responsibilities. Instead, Jason Tindall is placed in front of the cameras and microphones, which the assistant manager absolutely hates.

Graham Potter: Given the job mainly because he looks a bit like Southgate but initially has great success after implementing key tactical changes. Kyle Walker is allowed past the halfway line, Eberechi Eze is told he doesn’t have to play left-back, while Harry Kane and Jude Bellingham aren’t flogged until their knees fall off. Despite these innovations, Potter is never truly trusted by fans due to his ability to speak a second language (Swedish) and after a fourth Lewis Dunk own goal in five games at the 2026 World Cup, Potter resigns.

Thomas Tuchel: Immediately loses the dressing room after completely misjudging the severity of his handshakes with the squad at the first camp. Cole Palmer ends up with some sort of rash. Tuchel’s presence does at least convince a certain backwards section of England’s fanbase to briefly stop singing a certain song about aeroplanes, so not all bad.

Lee Carsley: The English-born version of Luis de la Fuente, Carsley is promoted from Under-21 manager, although all mention of his 40 caps for the Republic of Ireland are banned within the squad. Youth understandably becomes a key component of a new-look England, with Adam Wharton actually getting a game and Kane jettisoned to a place called Shearer’s Island for work on his “growth and development”.

Jürgen Klopp: Approached for the job, but the adopted scouser never bothers ringing back. Apparently too busy hanging out with Stormzy and AJ Tracy, playing padel and bopping along to Jamie XX raves in Berlin. The right call.

Samuele Allardici: A shock appointment, the unheralded Italian gets the job off the back of his 100% win rate as an international manager, although journalists later uncover that covers just one match, a nervy 1-0 win for a small island nation back in 2016. Reportedly loves a pinta di vino, although nutritionists have not yet introduced it at the England canteen. Manages a few words of broken English at his unveiling, including the cryptic “get that smile”, although nobody is quite sure what it means.

Sarina Wiegman: The FA sees sense and appoints the Dutch head coach on the basis of her being the only person on this list who has actually won anything at senior international level. Tactically astute but also with an intrinsic understanding of the English condition, Wiegman leads England to success at the 2026 World Cup in carefree, swashbuckling style, despite the fact that she still doesn’t “have a natural replacement for Kalvin Phillips”.

Forget Euro 2024, it’s all about Euro 2025 now. You can join Rob Smyth from 6pm BST for hot MBM coverage of the Sweden 1-3 England qualifier.

His Majesty’s Government of Gibraltar is disappointed to note that several players of the Spanish male national football team celebrated their European Cup win with chants of rancid remarks about Gibraltar” – Álvaro Morata and Rodri chanting “Gibraltar es español” (Gibraltar is Spanish”) spark inevitable controversy and a complaint to Uefa.

I can only guess at how excited Football Daily is getting at being able to (possibly) use the term ‘Frank Lampard’s England’” – Peter Storch [shudders – Football Daily Ed].

Am sure Football Daily Towers is in a pandemonium right now. Also good that the news did not drop at 4.58pm. But it is nice to see such a seamless transformation. All those who were baying for his blood yesterday are suddenly singing hymns in his honour today” – Krishnamoorthy V.

Alistair Moffat (yesterday’s letters) makes an excellent point about it not being 58 years of men’s hurt, but I think he’s wrong to suggest we should measure from England not winning the European Championships in 1968. England were still the holders of the World Cup then and would be until the finals in 1970. Surely the hurt – and it really did hurt – only started when we were controversially (of course) beaten by West Germany in the quarter-finals on 14 June 1970. An event which, if memory serves, was so cataclysmic that it also ended Terry Collier’s marriage (Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads?). So I make that 54 years of hurt. Of course, in 1996 ‘30 years of hurt’ scans better than ‘26 years’ so I think we can allow artistic licence” – Jack Sisterson.

In life comes at you fast, especially in football, news … from ‘redemption arc nears completion’ to ‘in the coaching wilderness’ in less than three months. It’s a harsh business, this football malarkey” – Noble Francis.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Jack Sisterson. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

England and the sound of silence. David Squires channels his inner Simon & Garfunkel with the Euros wrapped up.

Alex Stepney, Norman Whiteside, Alex Ferguson, Quinton Fortune, Keith Gillespie, Mick Hucknall, Fred the Red – vi har slått dem alle sammen, vi har slått dem alle sammen! Big Sir Jim, can you hear me? Big Sir Jim … your boys took a hell of a beating! Your boys took a hell of a beating! Well, not really. Though a 1-0 defeat by Rosenborg, who finished ninth in Norway’s Eliteserien last season, wasn’t the best way for Erik ten Hag (new contract and all) to begin Manchester United’s preparation for the news season. “The result is not secondary,” grumbled Ten Hag. “At Man United the standard is you win games and definitely don’t lose games. So if you can’t win, don’t lose the game, like we did in the last second of the game, but of course, the performance is more important and the performance was below standards.”

Como have accused Wolves of blowing “out of proportion” an alleged incident of racist abuse during their friendly on Monday, after one of their players compared Hwang Hee-chan to Jackie Chan.

The head of the Colombian FA, Ramón Jesurún, and his son have been arrested following an alleged brawl at Sunday’s Copa América final in Miami.

Liverpool owners Fenway Sports Group have decided not to buy Bordeaux. “The reasons for this decision include the high cost of the stadium over the next few years and the general economic climate in French football,” sniffed a statement from the Ligue 2 club.

Get the badge in: over in Madrid it’s been Kylian Mbappé unveiling day at the Bernabéu. “It’s incredible day for me,” he told the crowd. “Since being a kid I dreamed about playing for Madrid and today I’m here. It means a lot to me.”

Pep Guardiola does his best thinking in winter and is expected to decide on his future as Manchester City manager between December and February, only months before his contract expires.

Amandine Miquel is at the wheel with Leicester City Women after leaving Reims to sign a three-year deal. “Football has to be a show, we have to be ambitious, and we want to play offensive football,” she cheered, hopefully meaning that in an attacking sense.

Newport County have appointed Nelson Jardim as their new boss after initially naming the Portuguese as “lead coach” earlier this month.

And if England want a flamin’ leftfield appointment, Harry Kewell is fresh on the managerial market after being shown the door marked それをする by Yokohama F Marinos just seven months into the job.

You want eight years of Gareth Southgate – in pictures? Here you go, then. And tell us if it was it the right time for Southgate to do one?

“Get Klopp!” Barney Ronay gives the FA some recruitment advice.

Jonathan Liew penned 1,686 words on an England throw-in and we were left wanting more.

Sam Hammond picks a Euro 2024 team of the tournament so you don’t have to.

Mikel Oyarzabal showed the value of Spain’s “true team” on the road to Euros glory, cheers Sid Lowe.

After Germany’s festival of football, a rocky road lies ahead for the European game, warns Nick Ames.

Euros quiz! Euros quiz! Euros quiz!

The Copa América was scorching chaos, reckons Alexander Abnos. Will the World Cup 2026 be different?

And Jonathan Wilson on why mediocre major tournaments proved there really is too much football.

To July 2006 and the end of an England era, with David Beckham turning in his captain’s badge after their World Cup exit. “I’ve got a brief statement that I would like to read out,” he told assorted hacks in Germany. “Then I’d like to leave it at that. Bear with me because I wrote this late last night …”