Erling Haaland signs up to take on Shearer and co’s scoring records

If Erling Haaland had signed his new and improved, all-singing, all-dancing, nine-and-a-half-year contract with Manchester City a month ago, headline writers could have had a blast by pointing out the Norwegian was putting pen to paper on a 115-month deal [you rounding up? – Football Daily Ed]. The significance of that particular number being that it is commonly associated with the Rooks Problem in chess, a game the 24-year-old Norwegian striker once told an interviewer he does not like to play. Sadly, the buzzkills in the City HR department have denied sub-editors nationwide their little window of fun with his record deal, reported to be worth £500,000 per week basic. All of which means that, even if he never scores another goal, the striker will trouser something in the region of £246m more by the time he turns 34, leaving him a couple of years to top up his pension in whatever lucrative retirement backwater happens to be fashionable in a decade’s time.

“I am super-happy,” howled Haaland, after posing for the obligatory photo with pen poised over his spanking new deal. “I am proud. It is difficult to put into words because it is a big moment. I am happy and that is the right word to use. I am looking forward to staying here for a long time. Now I can fully focus … on performing and getting better to give all of the fans what they want. It has gone really quick. It feels like I signed a moment ago. It has been going really quick and that is a good thing. It means I am enjoying it.”

One man who is unlikely to be super-happy to hear news of Haaland’s new deal is Alan Shearer, who is fiercely proud of his position as the Premier League’s record goalscorer, not that it’s one he likes to mention at every available opportunity. The eggheads at Opta have calculated that if Haaland’s current ratio of 0.9 goals per game for City is maintained, he will catch Shearer’s all-time record of 260 goals in another 200 games. At which point, one presumes, he’ll almost certainly set his sights on Shearer’s actual top-flight record of 283 goals, before trying to overtake Gordon Hodgson (288 and two cricket County Championships with Lancashire), Dixie Dean (310), Steve Bloomer (314) and the late great legend Jimmy Greaves (357). A lot done, Erling. More to do.

Unique among elite strikers insofar as his goalscoring prowess is phenomenal despite accusations that he is a big-game bottler, Haaland has amassed 246 goals across 148 senior games, just two of which came in the 10 semi-final and final matches he’s participated in (excluding Community Shield and Super Cup games because they don’t count or suit the specious argument that he is in some way not all that). During a time of uncertainty for City, who are awaiting the outcome of the investigation into the charges they face for alleged financial chicanery and book-cooking, news of Haaland’s deal has prompted half-baked conspiracy theories regarding potential outcomes and what might happen to their megabucks-earning striker if they’re bounced down to the National League North. And while Football Daily is not one to entertain such nonsense, we are happy to point out that the all-time goalscoring record to beat in that particular division stands at 106 goals, all of them scored by Danny Rowe.

I am very happy to be here. It is great to have so many people here for this great club. We have had our first meetings. I am looking forward to starting my job. It is great to be in this great city” – on a big day for Norwegians signing things, Ole Gunnar Solskjær arrives at Besiktas for his first job since leaving Manchester United three years ago. And just look at his face!

Myles Lewis-Skelly obviously took Erling Haaland’s tetchily-delivered advice to ‘stay humble’ given he continues to play for nothing more than the approval of his gran (yesterday’s Football Daily). What she makes of him continuing to break new ground by picking up freak cautions (the latest on Wednesday night seemingly for the crime of being bundled off the pitch by a couple of Spurs players for whom that was the only evidence of an ability to affect events on the pitch in the way they intended) is anyone’s guess. Meanwhile Haaland is presumably practising what he preaches himself, given his return of six goals in 16 games since offering said advice” – Charles Ashmore [not if that desk up top is anything to go by – Football Daily Letters Ed].

In their musings on the north London derby, I couldn’t help noticing that two of your columnists (Jonathan Liew and Max Rushden) resorted to the metaphor of ‘choosing your own adventure’. Is this the start of a worrying new trend mashing up football writing with references to genre-breaking 1970s youth fiction? What can we expect to see next? Pardon Me, You’re Stepping on My Angeball? Are You There Pep, It’s Me, Mikel? Please make it stop” – Paul Gibbard.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Paul Gibbard. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here because prizes are back from Monday, baby!

Big Website’s bookshop has a host of great new tomes, just waiting to be added to your online basket. There’s Football: the People’s Shame by Micky Kerr and David Squires’ latest brilliant collection of cartoons: Chaos in the Box. Get shopping!

With Holstein Kiel facing a fierce Bundesliga relegation battle, the minnows who were promoted only last season decided to dip into their kitty and pay a club-record €2.5m for New York Red Bulls’ John Tolkin. The 22-year-old USA USA USA defender turned up to Die Störche hoping he would have an immediate impact. Within hours he duly has, just not in the way fans would have hoped. Tolkin’s first action was to publicly apologise for his past activities on social media abominations. “I regret that things I have done in the past [on social media disgraces] may have hurt, irritated or offended people,” he sniffed. “This was never my intention. I want to take this opportunity to assure you 100% that I respect all people, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. I would therefore like to make it clear that I do not harbour any homophobic or discriminatory thoughts. This is not compatible with my personal values that I have been taught since childhood.” The club quickly backed their new man, believing there is clearly a gap between his actions online and what he really believes in: “John stands behind the club’s philosophy and this explicitly includes a commitment to diversity, tolerance and against all forms of discrimination and racism.”

They may not be scoring goals but Everton have a victory of sorts under David Moyes after the Premier League dropped a remaining PSR case against the club, removing the threat of a points deduction.

Eddie Howe has given Alan Shearer a second mention in today’s missive by agreeing with the former striker that Newcastle have indeed entered the title race after nine straight wins, including six in the Premier League. “I have no problem with fans getting caught up in any kind of feeling like that,” whooped the Magpies boss. “That’s absolutely encouraged.”

Arsenal have named Renée Slegers as the permanent successor to Jonas Eidevall after winning 10 of her 11 games as interim manager. “I’m so excited to be continuing our journey together,” she whooped. “It’s a wonderful honour.”

Even though 82 minutes of evidence suggests otherwise, Ruben Amorim insists Manchester United did not panic before Amad Diallo’s 12-minute hat-trick saved their bacon against Southampton. “In football you have to believe,” he yelped. “We believed until the end.”

That sound of deflation you can hear is the collective sigh of Liverpool fans after hearing Diogo Jota is a doubt for the Brentford game because of yet another case of knack.

In more knack news, Cole Palmer is a doubt to face Wolves on Monday after being on the receiving end of some rough stuff in the 2-2 draw with Bournemouth. “They kicked him so he didn’t train today,” growled Enzo Maresca.

The FA is set to take a sledgehammer to a proposal that would allow the Football League’s Welsh clubs to play in a new Welsh Milk Cup next season, which would have given them a gateway to Tin Pot.

And Fraserburgh’s 17-year-old Flynn McKay has revealed he won’t be given a homework reprieve by his teachers this weekend, even though he has a fourth-round Scottish Cup tie at Rangers to contend with on Sunday. “No, [they] still expect me to do it,” he sighed. “Even if it’s on the bus on the way home.”

Ten things to look out for in the Premier League? This weekend? Here you go, then.

Donyell Malen arrives in full bloom for his Aston Villa debut on familiar ground, writes Ben Fisher.

In Ange we trust? Max Rushden reckons Spurs should flamin’ back their under-pressure manager.

How has it all gone so wrong for Luton this season? Simon Burnton has some answers.

West Ham and Tottenham are both in for Ansu Fati, possibly. That, and more tittle tattle, in the Rumour Mill.

And will anyone catch Chelsea as the WSL returns? Suzanne Wrack previews the second half of the season.

5 December 1981: Here’s something to cheer up Southampton fans. A picture of David Armstrong jumping for joy at the Dell after scoring the winner in a 3-2 victory over Manchester United.