Having watched his team record their best result of the season against Everton, Mauricio Pochettino must have been thrilled that talk in his post-match press conference was dominated by talk of an unseemly squabble between several of his players over who should take a penalty. And while it might sound like we’re being facetious, nothing could be further from the truth – finally, the wider football world had been provided with incontrovertible evidence of what exactly the Argentinian has to put up with. An elite manager cast into a role more kindergarten cop than Jürgen Klopp, it has long been suspected that Pochettino has had foisted upon him a squad seriously lacking in wisdom and experience. And on Monday night, like two entitled toddlers at a party fighting over the last piece of cake, Nicolas Jackson and Noni Madueke proved the point when both tried to snatch a spot-kick from each other and their team’s designated penalty-taker. Ultimately neither petulant tantrum-thrower got their way and demonstrating effortless cool of the jazz musician his name suggests he should really be, Cole Palmer got to riff, be-bop and scat on an already perfect hat-trick.

Of course we have been here before. The sight of one player blocking the penalty spot while trying to wrest the ball from under the arm of a nearby teammate is not an uncommon one in professional football and it is not from the ground that Madueke and Jackson licked their selfishness. From a sulking Cristiano Ronaldo refusing to celebrate with Real Madrid teammates because Xabi Alonso had denied him a spot-kick opportunity, to Edinson Cavani asking an aggrieved Neymar if he thought he was Messi, some of the biggest names in the game have been reduced to playground bickering in comical disputes in which individual selfishness prevailed, or threatened to prevail over the collective good. “If we want to be a great team, fighting for big things, we need to change and think more in a collective way,” lamented Pochettino, although he did rule out a spell on the Naughty Step for either of his errant kids.

Arguably the greatest penalty spat of them all took place at Selhurst Park in December 2017, when bottom-of-the-table Crystal Palace were drawing 2-2 with Bournemouth and earned themselves an injury-time penalty to win. With Luka Milivojevic, renowned for taking spot-kicks with all the subtlety of early-morning police raiders crashing through a suspect’s door, ready to take his second of the game, the Palace skipper was vociferously overruled by Christian Benteke, who had not scored in 11 games and proceeded to strike with all the venom of a defanged cobra. Roy Hodgson was left decidedly unimpressed. “It was a unilateral decision, no one on our team was able to wrest the ball from him,” he fumed. “We – the management – decide who the penalty takers are and we don’t expect players to change those during the course of the game.”

We say arguably the greatest, but not the greatest. That was in the infamous shootout lost by Sunderland against Charlton in 1998, arguably the greatest playoff final of them all. Having drawn 4-4 at the end of extra-time, the sides were deadlocked 5-5 on penalties after each of the designated takers had taken their turns. It went to 6-6 and then 7-6 to the Addicks, with players who hadn’t volunteered being forced to make the long journey from the centre-circle to the spot. Needing to score to stay in the game, Sunderland had striker Danny Dichio to rely upon, a man who would surely step up in their hour of greatest need. On the contrary. He sat on the grass with his boots off and “didn’t fancy it”, according to full-back Mickey Gray, who was left to shoulder what would prove a horribly unbearable burden. Now that is the kind of penalty-taking spat we all really love to see.

Join Scott Murray from 8pm BST for hot Big Cup MBM coverage of Barcelona 3-3 PSG (agg 6-5), while Taha Hashim will be on deck at the same time for Dortmund 2-1 Atlético (agg 3-3, 4-5 pens).

“He has apologised three times to me and he doesn’t have to ask for forgiveness. It’s inevitable that we’ll remember this … that’s part of the game” – Osasuna manager Jagoba Arrasate shows far too much leniency for Football Daily’s liking after watching striker Ante Budimir take one of theworst penalties we have ever seen (yes, it’s up there with the one by Pat Nevin and that Peter Devine effort) to throw away a point in the 97th minute of their 1-0 La Liga defeat against Valencia.

I’m going to try ‘I believe in rainbows and unicorns’ (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition) at my next performance review with management when they ask me what I’m going to do to improve my work performance. I would have thought ‘stop shipping calamitous own goals’ might be a better solution. Once is unlucky, twice is careless” – Brian James.

Wow! That Wrexham team must be really good, back-to-back promotions. They must be better than any other team in League Two. What’s that? They have played one game more than Stockport County and are four points behind. But, but, that must mean Stockport are a better team this season? Must be a fluke. Wrexham were champions of the National League last year. Where were Stockport then? Oh, in League Two because they won the National League the year before. Where were Wrexham that year? Oh, second, behind Stockport and failed to go up in the playoffs. What about head-to-heads? Stockport 5-0 Wrexham, game at Wrexham still to be played. That’s good, it will give the Wrexham players the opportunity to form a guard of honour for the champions (hopefully)” – Dave Challinor Brian Ross.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Brian Ross.

It’s David Squires on … Manchester City’s view from the top in the most exciting Premier League title race in years.

In a move we didn’t see coming, legendary Forest Green manager Troy Deeney is set to swap his boots and coaching top for a cue and chalk when he makes his debut at the UK Open Pool Championship in Telford. Fresh from throwing assorted players under a bus in his colourful six-match stint at the soon-to-be relegated League Two club, Deeney hopes to raise the profile of pool by taking part in May’s UK Open event as a wildcard. “I just like pushing the boundaries a little bit, and seeing how it goes. I’ve always got fond respect for any athlete in any profession,” he honked of a sport well-known for pushing participants to their physical limits. “To do what they do takes hours and years of practice and dedication, so why not try my hand at it when the opportunity has come around?” Deeney then made it clear he intends to do better on the baize than he did at the New Lawn. “The aim is to go there and not embarrass myself.”

Germany’s 1974 World Cup-winning striker Bernd Hoelzenbein has died aged 78. “He was part of the golden generation of the 1970s … in Bernd, we are losing not only one of the club’s biggest icons, but also a loyal colleague and a dear friend,” read a statement from former club Eintracht Frankfurt.

Samuel Eto’o has accused the Confederation of African Football’s general secretary of several breaches of Fifa’s code of ethics during the investigation into allegations that he was involved in match-fixing.

The whipping of a player by a fan after the Saudi Arabian Super Cup final has been condemned by the country’s football federation and players’ union. “[We] are shocked with the disgraceful scenes involving a physical attack by an individual spectator on a member of the team from Al-Ittihad,” sighed a joint statement. “The priority of SAFF is to preserve the safety and enjoyment for everyone who loves watching and playing the game.”

The Premier League wants to hear Everton’s appeal against their latest points deduction before the end of the season so clubs near the bottom aren’t left dazed and confused as they try to work out what they need to survive on the final day. Meanwhile, the club’s proposed takeover has moved into added time after 777 Partners was granted a last-minute extension to repay a £160m loan.

Football is a serious game (part 327): Alejandro Garnacho has been ­spoken to by Erik ten Hag after the ­Manchester United winger liked tweets from Alan Partridge-esque YouTuber Mark Goldbridge that criticised his substitution at Bournemouth and suggested he had been “thrown under the bus”.

Xavi is either expecting a close battle between Barça and PSG in the Big Cup quarter-final second leg or he’s way too excited about the coin toss. “It’s a game of heads or tails,” he roared. “We need our fans to be loud because PSG will make us suffer.”

Liverpool right-back Conor Bradley has been ruled out for up to three weeks after suffering ankle-knack in the 1-0 defeat by Crystal Palace.

Werder Bremen have suspended Naby Keïta for the rest of the season and imposed a “substantial” fine after accusing him of walking out before Sunday’s 5-0 shellacking at Leverkusen. “As a club, we won’t tolerate Naby’s behaviour,” roared head of football Clemens Fritz. “He let his team down in a time of difficulty surrounding our recent run of form and squad availability and put his own interests above those of the team. We can’t allow that.”

Elfsborg manager Jimmy Thelin will take up the vacant role at Aberdeen in June. “I wanted to be sure I was making the right step in my career, particularly as this will be my first time managing outside of Sweden,” he cheered.

And Dens Park has actually passed a pitch inspection and will stage Dundee’s game against Rangers on Wednesday. “We are delighted,” trilled a Dundee statement. “We would like to thank St Johnstone for offering McDiarmid Park as a potential [alternative] venue if we needed it.”

In the latest edition of our sister email, Ella Braidwood reports on the rapid growth of women’s football watch parties at pubs and bars around the UK.

Why did it go wrong for Arsenal and Liverpool, and is there still hope? Ed Aarons and Andy Hunter look at the problems affecting the stumbling twosome.

Turkmenistan’s champions, Arkadag FC, lay claim to a world record but some suspect details lie behind their dazzling winning run, reports John Duerden.

From the archive: the forgotten story of ... Seth Johnson in an England shirt.

Former England speedster Tony Daley during his late-career stint playing for Forest Green, in the 2001 FA Trophy final against Canvey Island at Villa Park. The game, staged in the Midlands owing to Wembley’s rebuild, finished 1-0 to the Islanders after a goal from Ben Chenery. And if Colchester win at home to Grimsby later, Rovers will be playing in the competition again next season.