Hearts in mouths as an algorithm helps to pick club’s new manager

Things aren’t going so well for Hearts at the moment. Just six weeks ago, they handed contract extensions to manager Steven Naismith and his staff, only to wind up chasing the lot of them out of Tynecastle and through the streets of Edinburgh last Sunday in scenes resembling the opening credits of Trainspotting. Because that’s what happens when you choose to go out of McFizzy Cup at the hands of Falkirk and choose to lose both legs of your Bigger Vase qualifier against Viktoria Plzen while also choosing to lose five consecutive Scottish Premiership games against Dundee, Motherwell, Dundee United, Motherwell, Celtic and St Mirren. For now, Hearts are choosing not to choose a new full-time replacement and have chosen to install reserves coach Liam Fox as an interim until they make a more considered choice. And in a move that is bound to enrage Proper Fitba Men all the way from Wick down to Dumfries and Arbroath across to Fort William, the club have announced they will be making that considered choice with the help of – deep breath – an algorithm.

Of course Hearts have “previous” in the field of thinking outside the box when it comes to appointing managers and in 2016 famously ignited a Scottish fitba culture war when they ignored all the usual suspects on the McManagerial merry-go-round in favour of Ian Cathro, a 30-year-old coach who had not only never played the game at the highest level, but hadn’t even muddied his Diadoras in the Highland League. The subject of media ridicule because he spoke several languages, had spent a few years learning his trade abroad and was once spotted using a computer, Cathro was widely dismissed as a “Laptop Manager” who couldn’t possibly mix it with the various Proper Fitba Men who at the time seemed to consider any managerial jobs in the mid to lower echelons of the Scottish top flight their birthright. Despite doing a reasonable job, Cathro only lasted seven months at Hearts and can currently be found editing training ground TikTok videos in his role as manager of Portuguese top-flight side Estoril.

While rumours that his former employers at Tynecastle are ready to fire up the club McMacBook (Really? – Football Daily Ed) and find Naismith’s replacement by using the famous analytics system designed by Brighton owner Tony Bloom remain unconfirmed, it has been widely reported that they are doing exactly that. And while it is rarely mentioned in football circles, Brighton are widely regarded as a very well-run club, so Hearts fans could be forgiven for being excited as they wait to see which unknown, bespectacled, 23-year-old, gilet-wearing foreigner rocks up to their training ground once all the pertinent data has been entered and someone has hit return. “I can’t really say much about it due to commercial confidentiality but I’m sure people will put two and two together,” blathered Hearts chief suit Andrew McKinlay, coming over all coy upon being asked about a proposed investment deal with Bloom worth up to £10m that would give Hearts access to the same recruitment technology used by Brighton and developed by their famously discreet owner.

“Where we are now is that we’ve had our own lists and we’re also working with an analytics company,” added an increasingly indiscreet McKinlay. “I can’t really say too much about who that company is, there has been a lot of press reporting recently but for commercial confidentiality reasons I can’t go into too much detail, but we are working with an analytics company. If I was out there in the stands, I would be excited about what’s coming … it’s a different way to look at things.” Football Daily should add that it would be unfair to suggest that McKinlay is pinning all his club’s hopes on an algorithm that may or may not have been developed by Bloom, because he was at pains to stress it only played a partial role in the recruitment process. A penny for the thoughts of all those Hearts fans out there in the stands on the day of the big announcement when it is revealed that, even with the help of a super-computer, the best man for the job is that up-and-coming young Commodore 64 aficionado and Hearts staple, Craig Levein.

Join Rob Smyth at 8pm (BST) for updates on Manchester United 3-1 FC Twente in Bigger Vase while Yara El-Shaboury will be on hand from 7.45pm to bring you updates on all the goals in the Milk Cup and beyond.

“It is with immense pride and a feeling of fulfilment that I am announcing my retirement from the game that we all love. I hold myself to the highest standard, I want to go out strong, not just holding on to the game. It takes a big dose of courage to listen to your heart and your instinct. I have fallen and risen a thousand times, and this time, it’s the moment to stop and hang my boots up with my final game winning a trophy at Wembley” – Raphaël Varane has called time on his career at just 31 after suffering a serious knee injury for Como in a Coppa Italia match. He won the World Cup with France in 2018 and four Big Cups and three league titles at Madrid. Not bad at all. Enjoy your retirement, Rapha.

Rather than a lozenge (Tuesday’s Football Daily) wouldn’t suppository be a better description of Manchester United’s proposed new stadium, as it gives a clear indication of where Sir Jim is going to end up being told to stick the plans for it” – Bernard Clark.

Your description of the proposed new Old Trafford looking like a giant throat lozenge was wildly inaccurate. Surely it’s more like a giant haemorrhoid cushion?” – Mark Charters.

I’m just back from Solihull Moors, where I watched York City deciding to be a football team for the first time in years, notching a 3-0 win. On reaching home I was greeted by Football Daily stating that ‘the 1995-96 season was a significant moment for football in Manchester’. It sure was. Who can forget the night of 20 September 1995 when the Old Trafford waterfall new now-Sir Alex Ferguson Stand was being built and York City notched a 3-0 away win against (where are they now?) Manchester United tyros Pilkington, Parker, Irwin, McGibbon, Pallister, P Neville (Cooke 46), Davies (Bruce 58), Beckham, Sharpe, McClair and Giggs?” – Stuart Newstead.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Bernard Clark. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

In thee latest edition of our sister email, Raphaël Jucobin investigates what has happened to former Women’s Big Cup team Bordeaux after the club went into administration.

Chaos in the Box, the new David Squires book, is coming soon. You can order it now through our bookshop and get a 20% discount.

Pep Guardiola believes Rodri to be “irreplaceable” but Mathues Nunes – remember him? – knows better. “At Wolves I played more as a winger and last year here I played more as a 10,” he reminisced. “But when I played for Sporting Lisbon [from 2019-22] I always played in the double pivot so I’m used to every position now.”

The fascinating fall-out to Arsenal’s draw at Manchester City continues apace. “I always prefer the facts to words or supposing things,” wittered Mikel Arteta. “Let’s see who is available [on Wednesday] and then we can talk about dark arts or these things or if it’s a reality. Other things will be ­factors and that’s it. We will use the facts. What are the other factors? Well, if a player is faking something that means he will carry on and be involved in the squad and play. Unfortunately, there will be a few players not available.”

Kylian Mbappé is a doubt for the Madrid derby after twanging a muscle in Real’s 3-2 win over feisty upstarts Alavés.

Todd Boehly’s football genius is finally taking effect at Chelsea, a Christopher Nkunku hat-trick powering them past Barrow on another famous night at the Bridge. Elsewhere in Fizzzy Cup, Jhon Durán remains hungry like the wolf, his late penalty bringing Wycombe back to the ordinary world as they eventually came undone at Adams Park.

And in a bob that in no way invites readers to write their own punchline, hundreds of FC Twente ultras could be heard chanting at the Etihad Stadium during Manchester City’s 2-1 Milk Cup win over Watford.

Spare a thought for Watford’s Kwadwo Baah, who was denied a remarkable solo goal in the 2-1 Rumbelow’s Cup defeat at Manchester City after it was deemed he had been too forceful in a coming together with Kaden Braithwaite during an electric run from inside his own half that he capped by fizzing a shot past Stefan Ortega. “I mean it was a shoulder to shoulder,” fumed the forward. “I don’t know how it was a foul, I don’t know man, but I can’t really say much.” Was he hard done by? You can see for yourself here.

We asked the Opta supercomputer who’s going to win the Bigger Vase, and the answer is …

Olivier Giroud is settling into the the MLS, baby, and racking up the Avios in the process, but otherwise, he’s happy. “I’m very sociable. I like to meet people,” he tooted in this piece by Joseph D’Hippolito. “I already have a few friends living in LA, so therefore the adaptation was quite quick. Plus, I have some ‘Frenchies,’ some guys who can speak French.”

Arsenal entertain Bolton in Milk Cup, reprising an early-noughties rivalry that had Big Sam basting himself with even greater ferocity than usual. Will Unwin reminisces with Justin Hoyte and Stelios Giannakopoulos.

How do you reduce every player ever to play for Juventus into a single five-a-side team? James Oddy has the answer; the Zbigniew Boniek Ultras will track him down.

And which teams have won tournaments they did not qualify for? The Knowledge knows.

With Subbuteo having been in the news recently we thought we’d give this picture an airing. At first glance, it looks like Geoff Hurst and Brian Moore are playing the above mentioned game but look closer and you can see that those players are not stood on round plastic bases. Nope, it’s the forgotten game, Table Association Football (TAF). Back in 1969 it was the Betamax to Subbuteo’s VHS.