Hefty historical burdens on and off the pitch … enter Thomas Tuchel

An impossible job? Graham Taylor crystallised the England management experience when he raged and flailed in a Rotterdam dugout for our amusement – but in truth, ever since Walter Winterbottom changed desks at FA HQ in 1946, The England Job has been a fraught, contradictory puzzle. We’ve seen the best managerial minds of many generations destroyed by its complexities, the hefty historical burdens on and off the pitch burrowing their way into the psyches of even the most forensic football men. Fabio Capello, a legendary coach whose total lack of PR smarts lit a fire that burned his England reign to the ground, once pointed to the side of his head to outline the impassible obstacle to success – he was talking about his players (of course he was), but it felt like a Freudian slip.

From faith healers to Parisian boating trips, this is a job where one bad decision or careless quote can rewrite your legacy. By the end of his tenure, 75% of Gareth Southgate’s job was trying to dodge these traps with a weary dignity – only for his interim replacement, Lee Carsley, to bundle into all of them simultaneously. Having gone to great lengths to pretend this job was no different to managing the under-21s, Carsley has melted in the glare of the spotlight, his audition turning into a one-man production: How Not to Manage England.

So, who’s next? The Carsley project had seemed a convenient way to mask the dearth of available homegrown options – there are four English managers in the Premier League, and three of them are currently in the bottom five. This week, there has been a clear turn towards a foreign manager, familiar with both the English game and the business of lifting trophies. First up, reports emerged that Pep Guardiola was contacted by the FA over the summer to sound out his interest, and did not just laugh until the line went dead. It’s hard to imagine why, even amid Manchester City’s current uncertainties, Guardiola would accept a rapid reduction in pay and trophies, in exchange for a sharp rise in tedious press conferences and general hassle. Perhaps FA suits had hoped Pep might be seduced by the England job’s historical impossibility, like an ancient unsolved puzzle carved on a monolith. But things move fast in the white heat and noise of an international break, and by Tuesday morning, the FA had moved on to another tactical doyen with his prints on Big Cup: Tommy T!

Having left Bayern Munich at the end of last season, Thomas Tuchel is available and now in advanced talks to take the reins from an ashen, trembling Carsley. As with Guardiola, the German as England manager would require an all-access documentary series: a Heston x Little Chef for the streaming era. Picture the scene: Tuchel in Three Lions cap and gilet, revved up to discuss inverted full-backs, instead being asked by a gallery of red-faced hacks why he refuses to sing our national anthem. Any thoughts on “Ten German Bombers”, Thomas? Where do you stand on the woke agenda? The idea of hiring a successful, talented manager fixated on what happens on the pitch, and parachuting him into a job riddled with off-field pitfalls is an undeniably fascinating prospect. Much like Blumenthal’s high-concept adventures on the side of Britain’s A-roads, it will surely end in tears – but just as when Taylor howled into the void 30 years ago, it will be impossible to look away.

Join Scott Murray from 7.45pm BST for hot MBM coverage of Scotland 1-3 Portugal in the Nations League.

12 October: “Resilience comes from support and the perceived support that you have. By sticking together in these times here is the only way to go forward” – Jonas Eidevall reacts after Arsenal’s 2-1 home defeat to rivals Chelsea, their third straight game without a win.

15 October: “We can confirm that Jonas Eidevall has resigned from his position as head coach of our women’s first team and leaves us with immediate effect” – ah.

The stuff about Didier Deschamps and the effect of butterflies flapping their wings half a planet away (yesterday’s Football Daily) strikes me as over-egging it. As Ken Dodd told us, Didier means very small and Deschamps just means some fields. Are we just not talking about some small fields in the Neuilly countryside?” – Phil Hearn.

Talk of the butterfly effect offers an opportunity to quote the great PG Wodehouse (whom every opportunity to quote should be taken). He offered the following description of a golfer which is certainly one I recognise all too well: ‘The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of the butterflies in the adjoining meadows.’ Do we know if Deschamps is a golfer in his spare time (when he has put his buckets of water down, of course)?” – Charlie Ashmore

Re: yesterday’s Quote of the Day. I was prescribed Sudocrem once for a heat rash. The more I applied, the redder I got. Turned out I was allergic to something in the cream. If the same applies to Horndean FC, they could end up looking like they had their backsides slapped all season” – Andrew.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Andrew. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

It’s David Squires on … the game to which we remain addicted: Lawyerball!

Our global list from this year’s edition is here, here, here.

Legal corner: players’ union Fifpro and leading European leagues have accused Fifa of “abusive and anti-competitive” acts over their match calendar.

Swedish prosecutors say a rape investigation had been opened in Stockholm without mentioning Kylian Mbappé, following media reports that the France captain and Real Madrid star was the suspect.

A 49-year-old man has been arrested in connection with an alleged sexual assault on Tottenham season ticket holder Eve De Haan.

Chloe Kelly is in Sarina Wiegman’s Lionesses squad despite having played fewer than 90 minutes of WSL football this season for Manchester City. “She is not getting the minutes she hopes to do, but she had built credit with us,” whooped Wiegman. “She wasn’t in doubt for us to bring her in.”

Alex Ferguson is the latest victim of Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe’s cost-cutting at Old Trafford. After this season, there’ll be no £2m-a-year ambassadorial role. TV directors rejoice: he’s still allowed to be a face in the Old Trafford crowd.

Another person with fewer duties in the Greater Manchester area is Nicky Butt, who is no longer Salford City’s CEO. “He will remain an active shareholder and Board Director and alongside the other members of the Class of 92, Nicky remains committed to continuing the growth of the club,” warbled a club statement.

Despite one win in 15 (versus Gibraltar) and none in nine competitive outings, Steve Clarke wants Scotland fans to keep the faith. “I don’t see any reason why they shouldn’t believe in this group of players,” cooed Clarke. Next up: Cristiano Ronaldo and Portugal at Hampden.

Nations League news: France can thank Randal Kolo Muani for their 2-1 win in Belgium; Harry Wilson’s penalty to sink Montenegro means Craig Bellamy’s Wales record now reads P4 W2 D2 L0 F5 A3; and Germany have marked a farewell tribute for Ilkay Gündogan, Manuel Neuer, Thomas Müller and Toni Kroos by beating the Dutch 1-0, thanks to a goal from debutant Jamie Leweling.

Flamin’ smash-and-grab or not, but Australia are on their way home from Japan with a 1-1 Air Miles World Cup qualifying draw in their pocket.

Hearts have a new boss in Neil Critchley, who will replace Steven Naismith at the winless Jambos. “We’ve made no secret of the fact analytics has guided our search and that data presented us with many top-quality options,” droned chief suit Andrew McKinlay. “We were able to ascertain who would fit best into our new model going forward, which includes the use of analytics for recruitment.”

And congratulations are due to the Maldini family for the historic achievement of three generations of Italy internationals. After Cesare, after the legendary Paolo, Daniel Maldini has made his Azzurri bow against Israel, playing 15 minutes of a 4-1 win in Udine, the city where his father made his debut in 1988. Unlike his relatives, attacking midfielder Daniel plays for Monza, the club run by the Berlusconi family, whom Paolo served for 25 years at Milan, and coached by Alessandro Nesta, dad’s former Milan defensive partner.

The first-round draw of the FA Cup has thrown up some properly tasty ties, chief among them Wimbledon travelling to Milton Keynes. Elsewhere there are some local derbies in the form of Bristol Rovers v Weston-super-Mare, plus Northampton v Kettering, as well as the Derby of the Stand: Exeter v Barnet. Bees fans will be in familiar surroundings for their trip down to Devon after the Grecians bought their away end for around £300,000.

Jonathan Liew on Lee Carsley and the art of repetitions, self-contradictions and slips.

Next in line for US cash are Watford Women. But this investment is different … and may interest Scrubs fans.

Say Bryan Mbeumo three times in a row, fast. And now read this piece, by Ben McAleer, on the Brentford forward.

And England’s first women’s futsal team are celebrating hitting the target before a ball has been kicked. Jamie Fahey has more.

To April 2004 as Fernando Morientes runs over to celebrate with manager Didier Deschamps after Monaco’s famous 3-1 win over Real Madrid in their 2003-04 Big Cup quarter-final second leg. Having gone down 4-2 at the Bernabéu, Monaco roared back at the Stade Louis II, with goals from the former Madrid striker and Ludovic Giuly proving enough for the Ligue 1 outfit to reach the semi-finals. An unfancied Monaco side which included Patrice Evra, Gaël Givet, Jérôme Rothen, Lucas Bernardi, Sébastien Squillaci and Emmanuel Adebayor (among others) would beat Chelsea over two legs to reach the final, but were eventually conquered by José Mourinho’s Porto side in the final.