Football Daily has had no previous call to delve into the murky world of pen!le prostheses [prosthesii? – Football Daily Ed] and is already worried about what might happen the next time it has cause to seek advice from Big Website’s IT department. But given the rabbit hole of unpleasant sights that today’s story out of Lazio has sent us down, it seems not everyone is quite so coy when it comes to internal improvements.

Having undergone an intimate below-stairs procedure on Saturday in a bid to improve his performance between the sheets, 56-year-old Juan Bernabe proudly showcased the result of his surgery (risks include mechanical failure and erosion, according to Football Daily’s exhaustive research) through the medium of photos and videos on social media abominations. Quite apart from the fact that he opted to do so six full weeks before medical advice dictates the Spaniard should give his new implant an official test run, his eagerness to show it off meant he was promptly fired from his role at the Serie A club.

His job? The handler of Olimpia, the white-headed eagle who has served as club mascot for almost 15 years and whose flights over the Stadio Olimpico before home games have made the majestic bird of prey a firm favourite of supporters. “The club is aware of the pain the absence of the eagle will cause the fans but it has become impossible to associate our historical symbol with such [an] individual,” chirped Lazio in a statement which declared Bernabe had been dismissed with immediate effect “due to the seriousness of his conduct”. In his defence, Bernabe claimed his decision to showcase his new big deal was no big deal, telling Radio24 that “nudity is normal, I grew up in an open-minded, naturist family”.

While Lazio’s club overlords are perfectly entitled to their opinion on what does and does not extend beyond the bounds of decency when it comes to club employees, it is rather interesting to note where they draw the line. Three years ago, Bernabe was only suspended for his salute of a different kind on camera at the end of a match against Inter. Holding Olimpia and dressed in full Lazio kit, the handler was filmed by fellow fans as he gave a straight-armed fascist salute while chanting “Duce! Duce!” in memory of Benito Mussolini, founder of the National Fascist Party who ruled Italy from 1922 to 1943 before meeting a grisly end at the hands of partisans in 1945. “I did it and I don’t regret it because I admire Mussolini, he did great things for Italy as Franco did for Spain,” parped Bernabe, whose far-right views only earned him a temporary ban from home games. Little did he know at the time, it would take some considerably harder views to earn him his P45.

Join Rob Smyth from 7.30pm GMT for hot clockwatch coverage of the night’s Premier League action, while Barry Glendenning will be on deck for Nottingham Forest 2-2 Liverpool at 8pm.

“There’s no other league that’s more competitive and that’s why the best players want to be here. So we’ve done a lot in a short time, and I still think we’ve got more to go. I think adding more teams will make the game even more exciting” – former England captain Steph Houghton has taken the phrase “grow the game” literally, calling for more teams to be added to the WSL dozen.

Re: Football Daily managing to fail Nigel Waterfield’s challenge within the very next edition (yesterday’s Football Daily) is the most Football Daily thing ever. Is there a term for it? Football Dail-sy?” – Dean Whearty.

Congratulations on your incredibly accurate impersonation of a grumpy old man shouting at clouds (yesterday’s Football Daily). The funniest thing you’ve written in ages. Why not enrage everyone by combining the replay and football technology, then make both managers settle ties via the medium of Football Manager (or EA Sports FC for da kids). I’m sure Amazon would pay bajillions to stream the fixtures. Keep up the good work” – Martin McGrath.

Go and get a decent job” – Karen Bevan.

Here’s a wild idea. After the death of the replay (yesterday’s Football Daily), could we not syphon off some of the Premier League’s significant funds to have a separate FA Cup pot that awards clubs from League One downwards a bonus if they reach extra time against teams from a higher division? Sliding scale, based on how large the pyramid gap is, £5,000 a place. Tamworth, for instance, would have made £450,000 without a replay” – Phil Raynor.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Phil Raynor. Terms and conditions for our competitions – when we have them – can be viewed here.

It’s David Squires on … FA Cup thrills, spills and a shock return.

Big Website’s bookshop has a host of great new tomes, just waiting to be added to your online basket. There’s My Beautiful Sisters by Khalida Popal and David Squires’ latest brilliant collection of cartoons: Chaos in the Box.

The former Manchester City captain and manager Tony Book, whose honours as a player included a First Division title in 1968 and an FA Cup a year later, has died at the age of 90. “A true club legend in every sense of the word, Tony made 315 appearances for City in total between 1966 and 1974, scoring five goals,” read a club statement.

Mikel Arteta has warned of the “terrible consequences” of failing to crack down on social media abuse and admitted Kai Havertz has been affected by the abhorrent messages sent to his pregnant wife. “There are certain limits and the line has to be drawn,” said the Arsenal manager.

Good news for any Mr or Mrs 15% looking to flog their clients to English clubs this January: the Premier League has confirmed all clubs have passed profitability and sustainability rules, although Leicester could still be at risk due to their recent time in the Championship.

Manchester City are wasting no time in the market, and are eyeing Palmeiras centre-back Vitor Reis, valued at £30m, while Lens defender Abdukodir Khusanov could also follow. Chelsea, meanwhile, want Bayern’s Mathys Tel.

David Moyes has told Everton’s players he hasn’t returned to be immersed in a relegation battle. “I’m not coming to manage a team at the bottom of the league,” roared the Scot, who apparently hasn’t checked the table recently.

And Wycombe boss Matt Bloomfield is now Luton boss Matt Bloomfield after making the short hop to Kenilworth Road. “The club is naturally disappointed with Matt’s decision to leave in the middle of the season,” sobbed a Wycombe statement, with the Chairboys second in League One.

No shocks south of the river on Monday night as Millwall booked their date at Leeds, whom we’re currently following, with a 3-0 win over Dagenham & Redbridge. Mihailo Ivanovic’s maverick ground-level header from close range was arguably the highlight. “I just saw the ball staying there and was saying: ‘For this club, I would throw myself and shoot it with my head.’ I tried and succeeded,” he whooped.

The prurient tabloid obsession with Kyle Walker’s private life should not blind us to the fact that he is one of the more talented and successful full-backs of the modern era, writes Jonathan Liew.

Jacob Steinberg gives West Ham fans the fear, recalling the litany of flops to have played up top for them in recent times, and says sorting out attacking resources must be the priority for Graham Potter.

John Duerden on Patrick Kluivert’s arrival as Indonesia coach and the distinctly Oranje tinge to their national side’s squad.

Sid Lowe looks at how Barcelona sought to put the Dani Olmo registration saga behind them with a 5-2 walloping of Real Madrid in the Spanish Super Cup final in, but of course, Saudi Arabia.

Archie Gray to Madrid? Marcus Rashford to any- and everywhere? The Mill sifts through all the latest wild speculation.

And there’s a new shiny Premier League top scorers page for you to bookmark to your heart’s content.

Car football? Car football! Action from Woolwich stock-car track, London, in November 1956. And no VAR to boot.