Lionel Messi and the Spinal Tap farce-o-meter cranking up to 11

In June 1969, El Salvador defeated Honduras to qualify for the World Cup after three matches marred by crowd violence against the backdrop of diplomatic tension between the two nations. On the same day as the final playoff game, El Salvador dissolved diplomatic ties with their neighbours, putting them on course for a four-day military conflict still known as the “Football War”. By sheer coincidence, Inter Miami’s ill-fated pre-season world tour kicked off last month … in El Salvador. Just a few weeks later, the MLS side have somehow stumbled into a diplomatic incident of their own.

The Africa Cup of Nations and Asian Cup have given us on-pitch excitement, but the fixture most worth following for off-field drama is Hong Kong v Japan in the Getting to Watch Lionel Messi Play Football Cup. Messi had stayed on the bench throughout his team’s Sunday kickabout in Hong Kong due to knack picked up earlier in their extensive pre-season jamboree. His absence led to the crowd booing David Beckham, “extreme disappointment” from organisers, er, Tatler XFEST, and a bilingual social-media apology from Messi himself. Unfortunately, said apology was posted moments before Inter Miami’s friendly with Vissel Kobe in Tokyo on Wednesday, in which Messi – gasp – was a second-half substitute. His 30-minute cameo of walking, pointing and laughing at his teammate’s missed penalty has dramatically escalated hostilities.

Hong Kong’s government, already “extremely disappointed” by the absence of global hero Messi and his villainous sidekick, Luis Suárez, from Sunday’s game, cranked up the conspiratorial fume in a follow-up statement. “Three days later, Messi was able to play freely in Japan … the government hopes the organisers and teams can provide reasonable explanations.” Others, like senior government adviser Regina Ip, were less diplomatic. “Hong Kong people hate Messi, Inter Miami and the black hand behind them for this deliberate and calculated snub,” she wrote on Social Media Disgrace X. Close behind her in the hyperbole stakes were the South China Morning Post, who described Messi’s absence from the Hong Kong fixture as “the greatest letdown of all time”.

That particular epithet could be applied to Inter Miami’s entire world tour, where the Spinal Tap farce-o-meter has been cranked up to 11. Despite finishing 27th out of 29 MLS teams last season, Messi FC’s pre-season matches have dominated the league’s subscription service, angering fans of rival teams – although FC Dallas ultras at least got to enjoy last month’s 1-0 friendly win over Miami. Two games in Saudi Arabia ended with a 4-3 defeat to Al-Hilal and then the “Last Dance Disaster” – a planned reunion with Cristiano Ronaldo where some tickets cost thousands of dollars. Ronaldo sat the game out with knack, Messi played seven minutes, and Al-Nassr won 6-0. Messi and the Inter Miami Experience will close their world tour back in Fort Lauderdale with a game against his boyhood club, Newell’s Old Boys. We can only hope it passes off without further inflaming geopolitical tensions and this storm in a teacup can finally blow over. It’s a situation where nobody has the moral high ground. Perhaps, unlike Central America back in 1969, everyone should take a deep breath and consider whether this is really something worth fighting over.

“My daughter actually told me: ‘Father, sometimes I think you are a character from The Lord of the Rings.’ But I’m not. I’m not interested in the ring” – yes, Aleksander Ceferin is getting his Tolkein on after announcing he will not be seeking an extra term as Uefa president. And he had plenty more to say about perceived enemies, the media and the Romans, obviously.

Your description of Ineos’ plans to make Old Trafford the Wembley of the North as an ‘overall’ (yesterday’s Still Want More, full email edition) was, perhaps – we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt – an unintentional acknowledgment of their fabled method of making hard work of absolutely everything. But are they likely to design the stadium to advertise the fact?” – Roland Goodbody.

Can I be the first of 1,057 pedants to point out to Emma Hayes (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) there’s no ‘evil empire’ in The Force Awakens, as they were defeated at the end of The Return of the Jedi. The big bad were The First Order (‘evil’ prefix optional depending on narrative preference) and her Death Star reference was not part of those events either. Not a Star Wars fan, just can’t abide mixed metaphors” – Brian James (and 1,056 others).

In any football/Star Wars analogy, surely Chelsea must be the evil empire?” – Rob McPheely.

As a wannabe wine buff living in Spain please ask Mike Wilner (yesterday’s Football Daily letters) where I may purchase a bottle of this Chilean Rioja of which he speaks” – Mike Cordery (and 1,056 other wannabe wine buffs).

Continuing the Eden Hazard barbecue theme (Football Daily letters passim), I’m surprised nobody has yet mentioned the other ex-footballers who would have turned up at the event, namely Patrik Berger, Ashley Cole and Paolo Wanchope” – Elaine Shaw.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s letter o’ the day winner is … Roland Goodbody, who lands a copy of The Social One: why Jürgen Klopp was the perfect fit for Liverpool, published by Pitch Publishing. Visit their football book store here.

A turbulent run in charge of Ross County has come to an end for Derek Adams, who has quit as manager after just 79 days in charge. During his brief tenure, Adams railed at the quality of Scottish football (“the standard is shocking”), won twice in the Scottish Premiership and tumbled out of the Scottish Cup. He leaves with them 11th of 12 in the league but, naturally, has a spin to offer. “Over my 12 league games, we moved six points clear of the team directly below and have been extremely close to gaining more victories and draws along the way,” he cheered. “Ross County [are] close to my heart after twice playing here and managing for a third time.”

Fire up the Grandpa Simpson restaurant gif: luckless Liverpool midfielder Thiago Alcântara faces another spell on the sidelines after sustaining muscle-knack against Arsenal, his first game after 10 months out.

The Premier League has accepted improvements need to be made to VAR, acknow­ledging there are too many checks, they take too long and that fans are getting the rough end of the stick as a result. “It’s nowhere near good enough. We know it’s not,” sniffed chief football officer Tony Scholes. “It affects supporters’ ­enjoyment of the game, and we know it needs to change.”

After all that, it will be managerless hosts Ivory Coast v Nigeria in the Afcon final. “It’s like a dream for us,” whooped interim coach and former Reading midfielder Emerson Faé after their 1-0 win over DR Congo. “When we lost to Equatorial Guinea we couldn’t imagine we’d be in the final.” Nigeria booked their spot with a dramatic shootout triumph over South Africa.

Chelsea are through to an FA Cup fifth-round date at home to Leeds after sweeping past Aston Villa 3-1 in their replay. “We need to stop this thing that we are Chelsea from 20 years ago,” tooted Mauricio Pochettino. “We are not this type of Chelsea any more. Now we need to move on and we need to create this project. We need to move on, I don’t care if people are happy or not happy with my speech. I care for the club, I care for my players, I want to help the players.”

Also in the last 16: Nottingham Forest, shootout winners over Bristol City.

New arrival Adam Idah’s two penalties – including one in stoppage-time – have given Celtic a three-point lead at the top of the Scottish Premiership after their 2-1 win at Hibs. “We will play better,” cooed Brendan Rodgers. “We have to play better. It’s not the level I want to see. But we will go away and analyse it and look to be better in our next game.”

The New Saints have got the funk on after being told their current winning run doesn’t qualify as equalling their own world record of 27. TNS thought their 3-0 victory over Newtown had helped match the previous best, only for record-counters to U-turn on their previous decision that a penalty-shootout success against East Fife in the Scottish Challenge Cup last October counted as a win. “On 6 February Guinness World Records confirmed we had equalled the world record, and then on 7 February we were told there had apparently been a ‘miscommunication’ and that we have not now equalled the world record,” fumed the club. “As far as we are concerned a win is a win and so we have secured 27 wins back-to-back – a fabulous achievement by [manager] Craig [Harrison] and the team, and one deserving of recognition.”

And Chorley have confirmed that … drum roll … Boyzone are set to become the new face of the club. “The rumours are true: Boyzone and Chorley FC are a match made in heaven,” whooped the band’s Ronan Keating. Meanwhile, the National League North outfit have been served with a winding-up petition by HM Revenue and Customs. Life is a rollercoaster.

The latest edition of our sister email is here, here, here, featuring an interview with Brazil legend Cristiane.

Goals, goals, goals. John Brewin delves into why so many are being scored in the Premier League right now.

Armando Broja need only ask Dominic Solanke – there is life after Chelsea, writes Jacob Steinberg.

Played 14, won 14: why Manchester United’s academy offers more hope for the future at Old Trafford. By Dominic Booth.

And Joseph Lowery outlines a reason for every MLS side to be fearful before the new season kicks off.

Remarkably, it’ll be 15 years in August that some Norwich fans ran on to the pitch and one lobbed his season ticket at manager Bryan Gunn, during their 7-1 opening-day League One defeat to Colchester at Carrow Road. “We just didn’t apply ourselves right in the first 20 minutes,” sighed Gunn, who was sacked within the week, before the Canaries got back on their perch and won the title.