West Ham have finally told Julen Lopetegui to show himself through the door marked Do One … just as soon as he has finished taking training. Yep, awkward’s the word. Graham Potter, who may be hiding around the corner from Rush Green, is poised to take over having been offered a longer two-and-a-half-year deal. “The first half of the 2024-25 season has not aligned with the club’s ambitions and the club has therefore taken action in line with its objectives,” said a West Ham suit.

Following Arsenal’s 2-0 first-leg defeat by Newcastle in the Milk Cup semi-final, Mikel Arteta thumbed through his Big Book o’ Excuses and settled on balls. Not the anatomical subset that some observers might suggest his wayward finishers were lacking, nor the randomised porcelain orbs that left his team facing the in-form Magpies rather than, say, Tottenham, in a two-legged battle for Wembley. No, Arteta was talking about the actual matchball, which he implied was at least partly responsible for his misfiring Gunners sending 20 of their 23 shots high or wide of the target.

“It’s just different,” Arteta parped of the Puma-made ball. “Very different to a Premier League ball, and you have to adapt to that because it flies differently,” he muttered, prodding the Orbita 1 (£100 RRP) like a penny floater outside a petrol station. “When you touch it the grip is very different as well so you adapt to that.” That’ll be the 3D textured 1.2mm PU surface, offering improved durability and aerodynamics. And what’s this? According to Puma, the Orbita’s unique eight-panel configuration actually creates larger panels for better connection with the ball. Oh, Mikel! You’ve embarrassed yourself there.

Other than showing he truly is a manager made in Pep Guardiola’s image, Arteta also did something of a disservice to Alexander Isak and Anthony Gordon, who both somehow managed to force Puma’s garish monstrosity into the Arsenal net. Isak’s finish was particularly impressive, sand-wedged over David Raya and in off the bar – extending his scoring run to 14 goals in 15 games, dating back to his winner against Arsenal back in November. If you had to pick a forward to convert a scoring chance to save your life, right now you would probably pick Isak – as opposed to, say, anyone wearing red on Tuesday night.

All of which highlights the fact that Isak is exactly what Arsenal need: a quick, smart and clinical striker, and also just a chill guy who doesn’t really give a flying one. The languid forward will surely star in a straight-to-ITVX buddy-cop drama alongside Gordon one day (with Eddie Howe as the increasingly exasperated police chief). Before then, Newcastle will have a cup final to attend, unless Arsenal can sharpen up their ball-striking skills. Much like Arteta perusing the outer surface of the Orbita 1 (colourway: dandelion), we are left with questions. Firstly: can a Tottenham v Newcastle final actually happen? Or would the guarantee of one of these clubs winning a major trophy rip a hole in the fabric of our universe? Also: at what point in Newcastle’s feelgood, freewheeling run do we need to talk about, you know, the thing? And most important of all: when did Carabao start making Tin? Perhaps Jason Tindall snuck a crate into the home dressing room; it would make more sense than anything Arteta has come up with.

Join Rob Smyth from 8pm GMT for hot minute-by-minute coverage of Tottenham 2-3 Liverpool in the first leg of their Milk Cup semi-final.

He would like to yes, obviously. Anybody would want to – so would I. His grandmother was born in Liverpool, and we have relatives in Liverpool, and we were fortunate to know quite a lot of the Beatles because they grew up with some of my family. So, we are attached to Liverpool, you know” – Errol Musk comes up with all kinds of emotional reasons as to why his son would be up for buying the Premier League leaders. The way he’s carrying on we’re guessing the Musk family originated on Scottie Road, had regular knees-ups in the Grafton, got their chippy tea in the Lobster Pot and knew all the words to Poor Scouser Tommy.

‘We kicked a lot of balls over the bar, and it’s tricky that these balls fly a lot’ reminds me of the old definition of chutzpah; a boy who kills his parents and then asks the judge for a lighter sentence because he’s an orphan” – Noble Francis.

Paul Scholes (and many others) going in two-footed on Big Sir Jim Ratcliffe (yesterday’s Football Daily, full email edition). Has everyone forgotten who still owns most of the club? In exchange for selling 28.9% of Manchester United, the Glazers have managed to deflect 100% of the negative attention – and trousered more than £1bn in the process. Cynically brilliant business as usual from that family” – Adam Elder.

Should Nottingham Forest start believing in Leicester-like miracles (yesterday’s Football Daily)? More to the point, if they do a Leicester, what then? See Leicester” – Bruce Ellis.

Alec Johns should have got letter of the day yesterday. Can I just take a moment to acknowledge his astonishing feat of memory. I’m sure I’m not the only one of 1,057 to wonder how the heck did he remember that? Does he have an encyclopaedic memory of all Big Paper/Website content from the past couple of decades? In which case, good luck metabolising all those oddly frequent articles about whether or not we can cheat ageing and achieve immortality, or is it simply that it was the only memorable and interesting thing he read in Big Paper/Website in 14 years? Either way, subscribing to the daily drivel output of the Daily must be mental torture, so hats off for fortitude” – Jon Millard.

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Adam Elder. Terms and conditions for our competitions – when we have them – can be viewed here.

In need of new year reading? Get yourselves over to the Big Website bookshop, where you’ll find a host of great tomes just waiting to be added to your online basket.

In the latest edition of our sister email, former Spurs Under-23s player Tyra Mills – who now makes viral videos of her football skills – tells David Olaseinde how she is staying positive despite online hate and bullying.

Close you eyes and think of Patrick Kluivert. Yes, there he is at Ajax, Barcelona and with Netherlands at Euro 2000. The man was on flames. It’s been a slightly different journey since hanging up his boots in 2008, with jobs varying from academy director at La Masia to Clarence Seedorf’s Cameroon assistant. Kluivert’s last job at Turkish club Adana Demirspor last year lasted just six months, but now the Dutchman has a chance to create history after being appointed as head coach of Indonesia, who are third in their World Cup qualifying group after six of 10 matches, a point behind Australia in the battle for the second automatic spot. Even if Indonesia finish third or fourth, they could still reach the 2026 finals through further rounds of qualifying and an intercontinental playoff. Indonesia have never qualified for the World Cup since gaining independence from the Netherlands in 1945. However, the territory did play at the 1938 tournament as the Dutch East Indies but went out to Hungary in the first round.

Didi Deschamps has announced he will willingly walk through the door marked “Faire Un” after the 2026 World Cup. “I’ve been here since 2012, I’m scheduled until 2026, the next World Cup, but it will stop there because it has to stop at some point,” he tooted.

Ange Postecoglou has backed Son Heung-min to regain his mojo at Spurs and says even Mo Salah would toil in his knack-ravaged Tottenham side. “If you put him in our team now I’m not sure he’ll have that same level of performance,” he blabbed. “You need a team that’s in good form, creating opportunities, playing on the front foot, having a really solid foundation. None of these things exist at the moment [at Spurs].”

By contrast Tottenham’s Worthington Cup opponents, Liverpool, have what it takes to sustain a quadruple challenge, reckons Arne Slot. “What gives me most confidence for the coming weeks and months, is that until now we haven’t stolen one point,” he cheered.

Manchester United are prepared to listen to offers for Kobbie Mainoo, Alejandro Garnacho and Rasmus Højlund as they seek to meet PSR in the latest marginal gains initiative from Big Sir Jim’s people. Chelsea have been linked with Mainoo while Casemiro could be prised away by Saudi wonga.

Proper Football Man Sean Dyche is staring pressure in the face, inviting Everton’s owners to consider replacements for him because he hasn’t won enough games. “That is absolutely a valid thing to be doing,” he growled. “Nothing makes me feel weird about that at all.”

And Liverpool have signed Sam Kerr on loan. Yep.

“And here’s what you could have had.” Barney Ronay on Newcastle’s Alexander Isak and a particularly bruising night for Arsenal.

Neymar playing with Lionel Messi and Luis Suárez in Miami is a fascinating idea. Graham Ruthven asks: is it a good one?

Quiz! Quiz! Quiz! Featuring Paul Gascoigne, Zinedine Zidane, David Beckham and a very nice composite image.

Which football teams have won the league without a shirt sponsor? The Knowledge knows.

And peruse the latest Manchester United meltdown in Wednesday’s Rumour Mill.

25 March 1984: The actual Milk Cup mascot does a lap of Wembley before the final between Liverpool and Everton. It probably wasn’t the pre-match beverage of choice for fans, mind.