Sound the Football Banter klaxon: Tottenham have won something

Lace up those whalebone corsets and sound the Football Banter klaxon. And if you happen to be surreptitiously reading this while attending an event such as a funeral where the prevailing mood is one of extreme solemnity, then we suggest you unhand your phone and return it to your pocket right now. Because in discovering that a certain top flight football club has been named England’s best-run men’s football club in Fair Game Index, Football Daily immediately came up with an extremely funny gag that we’re pretty certain won’t have been thought up or cracked by any other journalist, broadcaster, random social media disgrace user or Gooner in the hours since the announcement was made. You see, the thing is that Tottenham Hotspur … a-ha-ha … what we’re trying to say is … hoo-hoo … Tottenham Hotspur have final … tee-hee … comedy thigh-slap … what we’re saying is that … splutter-cough-splutter … Tottenham Hotspur have finally won something after not winning anything for a very, very long time.

Honestly, sometimes they write themselves and given the advances in artificial intelligence it is surely only a matter of time before all of Football Daily literally writes itself and the usual gang of human no-marks tasked with putting it together and sending it slithering apologetically into your spam folders are relieved of their squad numbers and bombed out of the first team to train with the stiffs. In the meantime, it behoves us to bring you news of this rare triumph for Spurs, voted England’s best-run football club by Fair Game, an organisation renowned for its championing of an independent regulator that most, if not all clubs in the Premier Club really don’t want.

It goes without saying that Spurs’ suits are thrilled with the latest award. “This ranking further demonstrates the huge strides that are being made off the pitch, with our world-class stadium and innovative partnerships enabling sustainable, recurring investment into our football operations to ensure we remain competitive on the pitch and challenge for major honours”, roared Daniel Levy, with no hint of a smile.

The irony? Spurs have been recognised for the very financial prudence that has contributed to the 16 long trophy-less years that . In a nutshell, of all the clubs in the top seven divisions of the pyramid who are mocked for never winning anything, Tottenham have finally been officially recognised as being the most efficient when it comes to serial failure.

And while Spurs fans might not be delighted by this news, their chief suit was. “As a club that prides itself on good governance – with a key focus on sustainability, fan engagement and delivering for our local communities – we are delighted to have been recognised as England’s best-run club by the Fair Game Index,” continued Levy, upon being told that Fair Game’s report analysed data from clubs across the top seven divisions in English football and gave them a score out of 100 based on financial sustainability, good governance, fan engagement and equality standards. A combined, not massively impressive score of 68.2 out of 100 was enough for Spurs to take the prize, a bang average C+ that speaks volumes about just how badly that independent regulator is needed.

“I used to hate going to football with him. No matter if I played good or I played bad, I’d get in the car and I’d be reduced to tears. He’d say I wouldn’t have done this right, I wouldn’t have done that right. He didn’t do it because he wanted to hurt me. He did it because he cared. Sometimes it was very, very tough to get in that car, my mum would be going ‘Michael, leave him alone he’s done well’. I could have scored three goals. But he would have said, ‘no, you should have scored six’. Only when I’ve got older in my career, he actually says ‘all right, well played son’. After a couple of years at City. I think he was then like ‘you know, he actually can play football’” – Kyle Walker, one of the world’s best right backs, says the tough love he received from his father, Michael, “made me the person and player that I am”.

“Does the existence of a ‘FD Head Tech Boffin’ (yesterday’s Football Daily Letters) hint at the existence of other ‘Tech Boffin’s’ at work on our favourite daily harbinger of doom and gloom? No wonder it’s such a genuinely funny read every day” – David Bell.

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Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Colin Reed. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

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