The unique embarrassment of being 36th in a football league table

Europe’s most exciting and unpredictable competition continues on Tuesday night, and even a quick look at the early league table will tell you we’re in for a thrilling season. Famous old clubs crowd the summit, a handful of points cover the top 10 – and in this leviathan format, every point and every game matters. Truly, the Championship is the gift that keeps on giving – and even the division’s stragglers can have hope. This time last year, Russell Martin’s Southampton were 15th in the second tier, and look at them now, eh? Eh? Oh.

Elsewhere, Bigger Cup continues on Tuesday, with Celtic and Aston Villa among the teams enjoying the dizzying view from atop the new 36-team skyscraper of a league table. Even a 5-1 win couldn’t put poor Brendan Rodgers top of the tree, though, as habitual Big Cup bullies Bayern Munich boosted their goal difference with a 9-2 evisceration of Dinamo Zagreb, who were ruthlessly punished for trying to fight back from 3-0 down at the Allianz Arena. The Croatian champions are experiencing the unique embarrassment of being 36th in a league table (scroll for yourself, here), down in the depths below Paul Jewell’s Derby County, the 2024 Chicago White Sox and Jemini.

Much like the brutalised henchmen in Austin Powers [there’s a topical reference – Football Daily Ed], Dinamo’s struggles since Matchday One show there are real consequences to Bigger Cup cartoon beatdowns. Their manager, Sergej Jakirovic, vowed to “solve things myself” in the aftermath, before chief suit Velimir Zajec (once of Portsmouth) solved things for him. Having lost twice before the trip to Bayern, Dinamo were then gubbed 4-1 by the league’s bottom club, Slaven Belupo. With Niko Kovac saying thanks, but no thanks, to taking over, Dinamo have turned to former manager Nenad Bjelica, who oversaw a 4-0 Big Cup win over Atalanta back in 2019.

Bjelica begins with a home tie against Monaco – who beat Barcelona in their first match, for crying out loud – but the fixture list, and a format that makes pre-Christmas elimination almost impossible, offers hope. Their home tie with Slovan Bratislava on 5 November might be the first-ever Bigger Cup six-pointer. Slovan, somehow allowed to continue in the tournament despite losing 5-1 to Celtic, have scored 12 goals in three domestic games since, but have Manchester City rolling into town in second gear later. As for one-time Big Cup hoisters Feyenoord, down in 35th, they face a trip to Girona that a) must be described by law as “tricky”, and b) is technically the easiest game of their eight-match slate, statistically the toughest in Bigger Cup this season. Young Boys (currently 11th in the Swiss league) have the kindest schedule, which may not be much consolation as they head to Barça. “We won’t mark Lamine Yamal individually, we will try to control him as a team,” blathered manager Patrick Rahmen. Aye, good luck with that.

Join Scott Murray at 8pm BST for Bigger Cup updates on Arsenal 3-1 PSG, while Rob Smyth will be on hand at the same time with goal updates in his rolling clockwatch.

It is not important anymore whether I am the best or not, I no longer care about that. It is good for a player to score goals, but for me it is better for the team to win. I am used to breaking records and I no longer look for them” – Cristiano Ronaldo, 39, claims to have finally twigged that football is a team sport.

As much as I appreciate Ken Muir’s concern (yesterday’s Football Daily letters) that if we followed the advice of Harry Webb (by the way, how nice to have Cliff Richard writing to Football Daily using his real name) and had voting for the letter o’ the day (Friday’s Football Daily letters) then it would mean vengeful people stopping me winning, all I can say is look what happens under the current system of Football Daily deciding anytime there’s a free book up for grabs” – Noble Francis.

The only way that José Mourinho story (yesterday’s Quote of the Day) could get better is if it transpires he was watching the game on his laptop via a dodgy stream. I can’t have been the only person who watched the video and tried to see if there was a firestick plugged in to the side of his computer” – Ed Taylor.

Imagine my disappointment when I clicked on the terms and conditions link in the hope of being directed to some humorous page, only to end up with the terms and conditions, which I then read out of spite” – Tony Purcell.

Dundee United do not have a player called Mo Sylla (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs – full email edition) . Dundee, however …” – Stuart McLagan (and 1,056 others).

Send letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s prizeless letter o’ the day winner is … Ed Taylor. Terms and conditions for our competitions can be viewed here.

It’s your boi, David Squires, on the studio hijinks that take place on the midweek content generator that is UCL Today and an imagined interview with the late, great Ukrainian manager Valeriy Lobanovskyi.

Normally breaking football news coming out of Switzerland involves a dreary, dystopian pic of the Fifa HQ in Zürich, or Uefa’s new Big Cup supercomputer. But with the announcement of tickets for Euro 2025, due to take place next July in Switzerland, going on sale to the general public on Tuesday, you too can experience the thrill of going outside with this rather nice picture of the launch event, which involved a game played on Aletsch Glacier in Interlaken, 3,454 metres above sea level. “In total, around 720,000 tickets are made available for the tournament,” trumpeted a Uefa suit, who also confirmed the cheapest tickets would be available for 25 Swiss francs (£22.16) each. “With this first release, more than 250,000 tickets for all 31 matches of the tournament are available on a first-come, first-served basis. Ticket holders travelling within Switzerland will benefit from free public transport.”

Southampton remain on just one point after their 3-1 defeat to Bournemouth. “We were soft,” sobbed manager Russell Martin, before channeling the spirit of Michael Jordan in The Last Dance. “If you don’t run and fight, make contact and take things personally then it’s going to be a problem.”

PSG have travelled to Arsenal without arguably their biggest star, Ousmane Dembélé. “If someone doesn’t comply or respect the expectations of the team, it means they are not prepared to play,” Aretha Franklin-ed PSG manager Luis Enrique. “I want all my players to be ready, so as a consequence I have left him out.”

Meanwhile, for some ticketing reason, PSG ultras have been steadily gathering in numbers outside Football Daily Towers throughout the day, ready to march up to Arsenal with their big drum later on. We feared they didn’t like this Football Daily.

Manchester United manager Erik ten Hag could just be Erik ten Hag by the end of the week if the club fail to perform in the next two matches against Porto and Aston Villa.

Chutzpah’s John Stones is “100%” ready to replace Rodri as Manchester City’s holding midfielder. “I always enjoy it and try every time I go in there,” cooed the Englishman. “I love it – it’s a ­different [way of looking] on the game.”

Atlético Madrid are expected to be hit with a full or partial stadium closure after their fans caused the derby at home against Real Madrid on Sunday to be suspended for 15 minutes by throwing objects at Thibaut Courtois.

Former Newcastle goalkeeper Rob Elliot has jumped into the managerial hot seat at Crawley.

And Craig Gordon, 87, is back in the Scotland squad just months after playing what everyone apart from the man himself thought was his last international. “Craig told me it was not a farewell and he’d see me in the future,” trembled Steve Clarke. “He’s lived up to his promise. It’s absolutely a testament to him, he’s always shown that he’s up for the fight.”

David Hytner on Mikel Arteta’s PSG reunion, in which the Arsenal manager remembers playing with “Ronaldinho, Okocha, Anelka, Pochettino, Heinze. I wanted to stay there [after the loan] but I was owned by Barcelona and they couldn’t find an agreement.”

AFC Wimbledon are used to making lemonade out of lemons so despite a sinkhole saga, the League Two club head to Newcastle United in buoyant mood for their Fizzy Cup tie. Will Unwin has more.

Jamie Jackson on Ten Hag’s future and why less than 50% of Manchester United’s XI is elite.

And here’s Sid Lowe on Barcelona’s tormentor: Osasuna’s 5ft 5in maestro Bryan Zaragoza.

To January 1989 and Sergei Baltacha with an Ipswich Town-branded Lada, part of his contract stipulation after a move from Dynamo Kyiv.