There’s nothing like an exciting game, and England v North Macedonia is nothing like an exciting game. It may, in and of itself, be acceptable, given bad football is better than good most other stuff – interacting with other people, say – but in the general scheme of things, it is roughly as appealing as Nadine Dorries and Joe Rogan discussing F1 to a jazz soundtrack in Milton Keynes.
This is not, of course, the fault of the players, who would, presumably, rather be doing whatever it is people with talent and money do with their time, whether sitting in a darkened room manipulating pieces of plastic, or guzzling goldfish bowls of snus spritzers. But unfortunately for them, the suits who organise football see no problem with playing matches in mid-June, such that when some teams are back at work preparing for 2023-24, others still haven’t finished 2022-23, the season continuing long after Ariston, Methuselah and the beat have packed up and gone home. It’s surely a matter of time before Uefa is peddling Bovril Slurpees and balti pie arctic rolls, available to all those willing to remortgage their home for the pleasure.
But here we are so here we are, yet more qualifiers designed to ensure the rich countries can’t fail to reach the tournament proper, and enough less rich ones clutter up the group stages with near-unwatchable matches. England, though, are actually quite good – and those are extremely peculiar words to write – teasing Malta on Friday night, with Trent Alexander-Arnold scoring a fine goal. No longer can anyone doubt that, given time, space, poor opposition and no marking duties, he is the world’s greatest midfielder. Harry Kane also bagged one, having inspired his teammates earlier in the week by presenting each of them with an award celebrating his epochal magnificence. One can only imagine the thrill felt by James Maddison, owner of three England caps, at having to schlep back a hunk of metal and glass detailing someone else’s career, for which he’s not only expected to be grateful but to display at home.
North Macedonia, meanwhile, spent Friday night losing at home to Ukraine, having previously stormed to 1-0 and 2-1 wins over Faroe Islands and Malta, respectively. Which is to say that where once international football had no easy games, now it has no easy games to watch, but if it’s that or conversation with other human beings, we know what we’ll be doing come 7.45pm BST.
England's players ready for North Macedonia. Photograph: Jason Cairnduff/Action Images/Reuters
