Explaining conflict to young people is hard – but can help with their resilience

Good morning. With the cost of living crisis, political chaos, and two full-blown wars, the news cycle is possibly the bleakest it’s ever been. Waking up to more bad news every day is hard. It’s hard for you to read, and it’s hard for us to report on. But it’s hardest of all for the children – in Gaza, Israel and Ukraine, of course, but also those hearing about it from a distance and perhaps encountering the horrors of war for the first time.

In less than three weeks, it is thought that more than 2,360 children have been killed in Gaza, while more than 30 children were killed by Hamas during the attack in Israel and dozens have been taken hostage. Unicef described the “simply staggering” child death toll as “a growing stain on our collective conscience” as it called for an immediate ceasefire to stem the loss of young lives.

For today’s newsletter, I asked educational and child psychologist Prof Vivian Hill to talk about the impact that war has on still forming minds, and for her tips on how we should talk about the horrors of conflict with children. But first, the headlines.

Five big stories

In depth: ‘Children have a remarkable capacity to cope’

Almost half (47.3%) of the people living in Gaza are under 18, making it one of the youngest populations in the world. With so many children living in a war zone, it is perhaps not so surprising that many have been killed, but the numbers are still shocking. As well as the dead, 5,364 kids have been reported injured in the attacks – which Unicef works out as more than 400 children killed or injured every day since the conflict began on 7 October.

“The killing and maiming of children, abduction of children, attacks on hospitals and schools, and the denial of humanitarian access constitute grave violations of children’s rights,” Adele Khodr, Unicef’s regional director for the Middle East and North Africa, said. “Unicef urgently appeals on all parties to agree to a ceasefire, allow humanitarian access and release all hostages. Even wars have rules. Civilians must be protected – children particularly – and all efforts must be made to spare them in all circumstances.”

Should you try to shield your children from the horror of war?

“It’s impossible to stop children from learning about the war,” Hill says. “They’re going to hear about it in the playground at school, or from their phones. Creating the right environment for them to ask questions they may have about the conflict is the most important thing.” That’s even more true for certain communities: some Jewish schools felt forced to shut their doors or tell children not to wear their uniforms in public, while Muslim children arriving at mosques for prayers have been met by police guarding the doors due to the “heightened risk” caused by the Israel-Gaza conflict.

Hill says many parents worry that learning about war is “denying children their innocence”, but she says there is never a good time for kids to learn that not everyone in the world is nice to each other. “It may well be earlier than you would have liked to broach the topic of war with your children, but take this as an opportunity to provide them with the right tools to deal with it – to build up resilience.”

As a parent or carer, Hill says, you are uniquely placed to know how much information your children require and how to talk to them depends on their age and development. The most important thing, she says, is to listen to the child and let them guide you in helping them.

“Some children will need reassurance that they are safe, while older children may need support to understand the complexities of the situation,” she says. “By taking the time to listen, and to help them process their own thoughts and emotions about the conflict, parents can provide comfort and help children cope with their difficult feelings.”

Ask your children how they feel

Hill, who has worked as a child psychologist for more than 20 years and now trains other people in child and educational psychology, says it is very important to put your own emotions to one side and let the child talk freely. “The news of war is distressing for all of us,” she says. “But it is important to be careful not to put your thoughts and worries into their heads.”

Take your time. There’s no need to rush into speaking to your children about it, Hill says. “It’s important to be clear of your own feelings, before you talk to them about it. Understand how you feel and process that, so you can be as neutral and calm as possible when you talk to them. You’ll then be in a better place to help your children process their feelings. If you’re worried you might get upset or worked up talking about it, hand it over to someone else you trust.”

Be careful about managing your distress. “If they see you’re anxious, worried or crying, they will take that onboard and worry as well.”

She suggests using open questions to explore their feelings. “Ask your children what they have heard and seen and how they are feeling, this allows them to introduce their personal perspectives and understandings first, so you can focus on their needs rather than your assumptions about how they might be feeling.”

Acknowledge the horror of war

As they grow up children inevitably develop their understanding of social injustice, inequalities and the horror of war. “This can make them feel upset, angry, frightened or unsafe, helping children learn how to process difficult information, feelings and emotions is a key role for parents and carers,” says Hill, who is a member of the British Psychological Society’s division of educational and child psychology.

She says it is important to regulate what news children are consuming, and points out that the news at 6pm uses less graphic images than the news at 10, for example. The BBC’s Newsround is the best child-friendly source of information, in her view.

“After seeing anything affecting, talk to your child about it, acknowledge the horror of it, but also don’t dwell on it.” She suggests doing something together with your child after seeing anything distressing. “Go out of for a walk, take the dog out, do something different.”

What to tell your children depends on how old they are

For younger children, only give them minimal details and in a manner they can understand. She suggests for anxious children that may worry what they’re seeing on the news could happen to them, “It might be helpful to look at a map together and see that it is happening a long way away, and not impacting people here.”

She says distance shouldn’t be used to minimise the importance of a conflict itself, but can have a big impact if children are concerned they could be at risk.

Hill says you might feel your children are too young to learn about war, but “they have a remarkable capacity to cope with feelings” and “[talking to them about conflict] may help to build their resilience for the future”.

“For adolescents they may have a more nuanced understanding of what’s happening,” says Hill, who is programme director of the UCL Institute of Education doctorate in child, adolescent and educational psychology. “In that case it can be helpful to do a little research together looking at the history of the conflict, and understand that both sides believe they have genuine cases.

“The most important thing is shifting the conversation towards the understanding of peace. Talking about the importance of ending wars, on keeping people safe, and promoting peaceful solutions, that will help your children feel reassured.”

Vivan, who has spent much of the past three weeks visiting schools to help teachers learn how to help their pupils deal with the impact of war, says she has been heartened by what she has heard unprompted in the playground.

“I heard somebody saying something unpleasant about a child whose family was linked to one side of the conflict,” she said. “Another child interrupted to say ‘It’s nothing to do with that person or their family, and they don’t get to choose what is happening, but what needs to happen is peace now’.

“It was a remarkably mature and well-researched position for a child of 14,” Hill says. “And it shows that young people can be a tremendous force for good. If we can all learn from that child and push that message that peace is the only way to solve this.”

What else we’ve been reading

• New mums are indulging in a novel “pink and glittery” treat after the stresses of childbirth – placenta gummy bears. Alaina Demopoulos enters the world of Placenta encapsulation. Nyima Jobe, newsletters team

• This long read by Margaret Simons about the conditions faced by domestic workers from the Philippines is very affecting. The details are shocking, with one worker saying she was repeatedly beaten and verbally abused by the family. “They treated me like an animal, and now my mind is broken.” Rupert

• How well do you know your Black British history? If not very well then you fall into the 53% of UK adults that cannot name a single Black historical figure, reports Dalya Alberge. Nyima

• With so much bad news, it’s nice to be able to read Patrick Barkham’s positive story about the secret lives of whales. I enjoyed reading about Knobble, pictured above, the attention-seeking minke whale who kept coming back to have his photograph taken by tourists at the Isle of Mull. Rupert

• Pigeons are quite the annoyance to some, but a new study has uncovered their secret intelligence. The decision making process pigeons undertake to make decisions is uncannily similar to the method used by AI models. Nyima

Sport

Football | Jürgen Klopp’s prediction that Liverpool would not “fly” through the Europa League group stage amounts to their only mis-step so far. Qualification for the knockout phase is already close at hand with the procession continuing against Toulouse. Meanwhile Brighton gets its first European victory against ailing Ajax and Rangers played second fiddle to Sparta Prague for most of their Europa League game in the Czech Republic before leaving with a point in a goalless draw.

Cricket |England are on the brink of an early exit from the World Cup after an eight-wicket defeat by Sri Lanka. In one of India’s most batting-friendly venues, against struggling, injury-ravaged opponents, England won the toss, chose to bat and were skittled for just 156, the lowest total ever registered at the Chinnaswamy stadium in a one-day international. England have now lost four games at the tournament and face hosts India next.

Football | Newcastle midfielder Sandro Tonali, a £55m summer signing from Milan, has received a 10-month ban from global football from the Italian FA after admitting to charges of gambling, including bets on matches he was involved in while playing in Serie A. The Italy international will also undergo an eight-month rehabilitation period as part of the agreement.

The front pages

In the Guardian the headline is “Israel stages raid into Gaza as new phase of war begins”. On top, a picture of Al Jazeera journalist Wael al-Dahdouh mourning his wife, son, daughter and grandson who were killed in an Israeli airstrike. In the Times it’s “200 Britons trapped in Gaza plead for help”. The Mirror says “Save them” next to a picture of an injured child in Gaza. The Telegraph looks at Russia’s approach with “Putin welcomes Hamas to Moscow”.

Other papers focus on more domestic issues. The Mail leads with “Senior Tory MP arrested over ‘rape and drugs’”. The Sun says “MP in rape and drugs arrest” with the i headline saying “Tory turmoil as Blunt arrested over rape and drug claims”.

And in the Financial Times, “Resilient consumer spending spurs US economy to 4.9% GDP growth.”

Something for the weekend

Our critics’ roundup of the best things to watch, read and listen to right now

TV
Ukraine’s Stolen Children, ITVX
Film-maker Shahida Tulaganova tells the horrifying story of the thousands of children reported missing from Ukraine in 2022, who were captured in the months after Russia invaded the country. Tulaganova gets to the heart of it, speaking to some young people who were taken by the Russians, to what were supposed to be holiday camps. She also meets their family members and carers, and those working for the charity that has been trying to bring them home. This calm, convincing film leaves outrage in its wake. Rebecca Nicholson

Music
Billy Bragg: The Roaring Forty
Described as a “British protest singer”, Bragg is back with a compilation celebrating the 40th anniversary of his solo career. He has been a fixture of alternative music and leftist politics for so long yet The Roaring Forty suggests that Bragg’s real strength as a songwriter might lie away from politics. Tank Park Salute, which may be the best song Bragg has ever written, deals with his father’s death during the singer’s teens. Alexis Petridis

Film
Beyond Utopia
Documentary Beyond Utopia is a nail-bitingly tense account of the network of safe houses and “underground railroads” used by North Korean defectors to get to freedom, run by the South Korean human rights activist and Christian cleric Pastor Kim Sung-eun. The scene when a North Korean grandma, who can’t rid herself of her lifelong reverence for the Pyongyang leadership, first sees a flat-screen plasma TV and assumes it’s a blackboard for teaching is unbearably sad (and funny). At all events, it’s an outstanding documentary. Peter Bradshaw

Podcast
Bloodlines
BBC Sounds, episodes weekly
BBC Asian Network’s Poonam Taneja displays immense bravery in this gripping podcast, which begins as a search for a missing three-year-old in Syria. The story takes a twist when she builds up a rapport with Dure Ahmed, the wife of Islamic State “Beatle” El Shafee Elsheikh, who gives an insight into life in a detention camp. Hannah Verdier

Today in Focus

The last whale hunter in Iceland

In the face of protests from environmentalists, political pressure and a near universal global consensus, whale hunting is still legal in Iceland, where it is carried out by a single company. Hvalur was inherited by a man named Kristján Loftsson, 80, who rarely speaks to the international media, but this month he invited the Guardian’s chief reporter, Daniel Boffey, to visit. As Boffey tells Nosheen Iqbal, Loftsson is in effect Iceland’s last whaler and with his five-year permit expiring in the coming weeks, he could have killed his last whale.

Cartoon of the day | Ben Jennings

The Upside

A bit of good news to remind you that the world’s not all bad

A former tree of the year in Cubbington, Warwickshire that was felled to make way for HS2 is not dead; it has revived and is regrowing from its transplanted stump.

Thought to be 250 years old, the pear tree was demolished in 2020 by HS2 contractors, with its stump and root ball replanted in a location 100m from its original home. “We were very surprised and absolutely delighted,” said Rosemary Guiot, a resident of Cubbington village. Local residents say it is a testament to the area’s heavy clay soils, as most of the other young trees that were planted as part of the HS2 alleviation plan died due to recent dry conditions.

Sign up here for a weekly roundup of The Upside, sent to you every Sunday

Bored at work?

And finally, the Guardian’s puzzles are here to keep you entertained throughout the day – with plenty more on the Guardian’s Puzzles app for iOS and Android. Until tomorrow.

• Quick crossword

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