Hi John,

How do you distinguish between feedback that’s hard to hear and bullying? Today’s Q&A highlights how to do just that, and what you can do about it.

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How to Respond to a Workplace Bully
by Joseph Grenny

I recently read Joseph Grenny’s HBR article about being resilient in the face of harsh criticism. His insight was this: look for the grain of truth in feedback and you’ll increase your resiliency. Well, what if there isn’t a “grain of truth”? What if it isn’t feedback, but bullying? Bullies are adept at finding real or perceived weakness in others and exploiting it. In this case, it is not the "weakness" that is the problem, and searching for a “grain of truth” would empower the bully. What is the best way to deal with this?

Signed,
Grainless

I could spend some time qualifying my response to your question by advising care in concluding someone’s entire intent is bullying. But I won’t. I will assume that you are 100% correct. The person we are considering has no legitimate concern, but rather is either fabricating or exploiting a weakness for the sole purpose of self-gratification. What next?

The first crucial question is “What do you really want?” If all you want is safety, you have two options:
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