| One of my private clients sent me an email saying…
“Can you help me with this headline? It took me FORTY minutes to write... and it’s still pretty bad.”
So I took a quick look at it and, using some simple sales and copywriting principles, turned it from straw to gold.
Original headline:
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“The unlikely story of a 35-year-old former Fireman from immigrant parents who exited the 9-5 grind & achieved Financial Independence using Personal finance strategies & real estate investment... and how he now spends winters in the Caribbean and summers at the cottage.
Paul is now Revealing his Coveted Formula for personal Finance & real estate investing success”
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Not great and far too long, so I fixed it to become:
Burnt Out Fireman Retires at 35 Thanks to His Passive Income Strategy So He Can Spend All Summer Out on the Boat with the Kids… ... and Every Winter Sunning Himself in the Caribbean
Get Access to his “Blue Collar Wealth Blueprint” Today!
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See the difference?
Here’s a step-by-step breakdown of what I did…
1. Shorten by removing unnecessary words / details.
Things like “Unlikely story of” and “Immigrant parents” don’t add anything here.
This can seem tricky at first, but if you want to apply this idea yourself, try removing words then reading to see if it makes the copy stronger or worse.
2. Made the before & after scenario clearer and more emotion driven by changing “35-year-old former Fireman… who exited 9-5 grind” to “Burnt out Fireman Retires at 35”.
3. Paint a picture… rather than just stating facts.
“Spends winters in the Caribbean and summers at the cottage” is a statement.
“Summer on the boat with the kids…" and "... Sunning himself in the Caribbean” convey an image.
This small change creates a visual for our audience to actually picture the ideal lifestyle they can achieve.
Showing is 100x more powerful than telling… even if it’s just a ‘word picture’.
4. Name the mechanism.
In this example, Paul is offering his formula for building wealth.
When we give a product / system / formula etc. a name (especially a catchy one)...
It makes it sound more credible and more desirable.
So I named it the “Blue Collar Wealth Blueprint”.
5. Added a Call to Action (CTA).
The original subheadline just tells you a “Coveted Formula” is being revealed.
My edited subheadline gives the reader action oriented instruction for how to get similar benefits for themselves → “Get Access to his Blue Collar Wealth Blueprint Today!”
*A Quick Note:
I want to give credit where credit is due…
Paul had the right idea talking about a fireman retiring early, with plenty of money to live his dream life.
This concept implies that almost ANYONE can achieve financial independence.
You don’t have to be some Wall Street genius…
Or build the next Amazon.
The true power of this headline comes from the suggestion that normal people can create passive income and retire early too.
I just tightened it up and doubled down on that theme.
Using phrases like “Burnt out Fireman” and “Blue Collar Wealth Blueprint” helps make that message even stronger.
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Alright…
I know that might feel like a lot.
But if you struggle with writing headlines, or any other copy for that matter…
I hope this goes to show that you can make massive improvements by applying proven principles of sales and direct response marketing.
It's not just trying to come up with 'magic words' ;)
Next time you’re stuck on an ad, email, or sales page…
Whip out these 5 principles and see which ones you can use.
Success Loves Speed,
Craig
PS - If you’re ready to 2X your income (or more) while working 10 less hours per week...
... Just REPLY to this email with the words “2X 10 LESS” and we'll set up a time to chat with you to find out if we can help. | 
