Good Morning, Do! Today is Fiday, May 19 Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!  ____________________________________________________ History: Today, May 19 in 1962, Marilyn Monroe performed a sultry rendition of "Happy Birthday" for U.S. President John F. Kennedy. The event was a fund-raiser at New York's Madison Square Garden. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Aurora man found guilty of sexual assault of a child _____________________________________________________ Q America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. --- Bobcat Goldthwaite Health food makes me sick. --- Calvin Trillin (1935 - ) Household tasks are easier and quicker when they are done by somebody else. --- James Thorpe (1888 - 1953) A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the wisest men. --- Socratex ___________________________________________________ Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money." The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband." ______________________________________________________ A customer moves away from a bank window, counts his change, and then goes back and says to the cashier, "Hey, you gave me the wrong change!" "Sir, you stepped away from the counter," said the cashier. "We don't make corrections after you leave. There's nothing I can do about it now. That's the policy of this bank." "Well, ok," answered the customer. "Just thought you'd like to know that you gave me an extra fifty. Bye." ______________________________________________________  __________________________________________________ My friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered a call for information about the inn. After finishing the conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang again, a student intern took the call. "I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms appointed?" "Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the rest are appointed east." __________________________________________________ >From Rosa My husband and I had bought some gadgets for our almost teen-age grandsons and were leaving the store when we realized we didn't have batteries. He stepped over to a counter to get the batteries but couldn't attract the attention of the clerk. I waited for a little while then said "I'll get a clerk over here real fast." With that, I pulled out my pocket tape measure and started measuring a large TV set. Amazingly, a clerk leap-frogged over several pieces of furniture to reach my side in jig time. To his "may I help you?" I said - "Of course. I'll take 8 of those batteries over there." ___________________________________________________ Dear Webbys Tech Support Pits From: Laszlo RE: 8 Gadget Pack for W10 Dear Webby I might have a "more cheerful" answer to today's analog clock problem. I am using W10, I am not so resentful of it as you are, I missed it too, so I downloaded 8gadget pack for W10 and the analog clock is one of their gadgets. https://8gadgetpack.net/ Luckily, it has been working fine for a few months now, it decorates the top right hand corner of my screen. Thank you for all the humour you send us daily! All the best, Laszlo from Budapest Dear Laszlo WOW! I am VERY impressed! Thank you very much! The installation took a while, because W10 is so slow, but when the installation was done, the analog clock was on the top right, and a handy side bar was installed. I will most definitely recommend that 8gadgetpack! Have FUN! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ Ten ways to realize your Internet connection is a little slow Text on Web pages display as Morse Code and... Graphics arrive via FedEx. You believe a heavier string might improve your throughput You post a message to your favorite Newsgroup and it displays a week later. Your credit card expires while ordering on-line. Playboy web site exhibits "Playmate of the year"... for 1989. You're still in the middle of downloading that popular new game, "Ping Pong". Everyone you talk to on the 'net phone' sounds like Forrest Gump. You receive e-mails with stamps on them. You click the "Send" button, a little door opens on the side of your monitor and a pigeon flies out. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Samir A. Murshed, 49, Aurora, Illinois, USA Aurora man found guilty of sexual assault of a child An Aurora man is being found guilty of predatory criminal sexual assault of child. 49-year-old Samir A. Murshed opted for a trial-by-judge. The Kane County State's Attorney's Office says that Murshed sexually assaulted a child he knew between 2016 and 2017. The victim was younger than twelve-years-old. Murshed is due back in court for sentencing on July 12. He's facing a minimum of six years behind bars and will have to register for life a sexual offender. Murshed was taken into custody after the guilty verdict. He had been free on bond. ______________________________________________ 1.Dear God, Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda 2.Dear God, Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce 3.Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet 4.Dear God, If we come back as somebody else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton- because I hate her. Denise 5.Dear God, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (I am not going to tell you who I am). 6.God, I read the bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison 7.Dear God, How did you know you were God? Did your wife tell you? Charlene 8.Dear God, Is it true my Father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita 9.Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nan 10.Dear God, Did you really mean, Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You? If you did then I'm going to get even with my brother. Darla 11.Dear God, I like the story about Chanukah the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones. I like walking on water, too. Glenn 12.Dear God, My Grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis 13.Dear God, Do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nan 14.Dear God, It's O.K. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes? Arnold 15.Dear God, Did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma 16.Dear God, In bible times, did they really talk that fancy? Jennifer 17.Dear God, What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything you wanted. Jane 18.Dear God, How come you did all those miracles in the olden days and don't do any now? Seymour 19.Dear God, Please send Dennis Clark to a different summer camp this year. Peter 20.Dear God, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they each had their own rooms. It works out OK with me and my brother. Larry 21.Dear God, I keep waiting for spring, but it never did come yet. What's up? Don't forget. Mark ________________________________________________ While waiting in the reception room for my first appointment with a new dentist, I noticed his diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 45 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any thought that he might have been my classmate. This balding, gray- haired man with the deeply lined face was much too old to have gone to school with me. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "1957." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?" ---------- Now He needs new teeth! _____________________________________________  Ana Eclipse in South Africa __________________________________________________ I challenge you NOT to think dirty. All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene in any way. Vocabulary Test 1) What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse? 2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? 3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? 4) What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"? 5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in " u-n-t " one of which is a word for a woman? 6) What does a dog do that you can step into? 7) What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with " k", and if you can't get one you can use your hands? 8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? 9) What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of bird cages? 10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? ANSWERS: 1. (talk) 2. (legs) 3. (a twenty dollar bill) 4. (fire truck) 5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt) 6. (pants) 7. (fork) 8. (Almond Joy candy bar) 9. (grit) 10. (last name) I know what you were thinking _________________________________________________  Witches Hat Utah, no need to go to Mars __________________________________________________ HEADLINES FROM 2035 Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia. White minorities are still trying to have English recognized as California's third language. Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops &livestock. Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped. Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. Castro (Raul) finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036. Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $7.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only. 35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants. Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed. New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036, except for criminals, who can have any weapon they choose. Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75% ____________________________________________________ Today, May 19 in 1536, Anne Boleyn, the second wife of England's King Henry VIII, was beheaded after she was convicted of adultery. 1568, After being defeated by the Protestants, Mary the Queen of Scots, fled to England where she was imprisoned by Queen Elizabeth. 1588, The Spanish Armada set sail from Lisbon, bound for England. 1608, The Protestant states formed the Evangelical Union of Lutherans and Calvinists. 1643, Delegates from four New England colonies met in Boston to form a confederation. 1643, The French army defeated a Spanish army at Rocroi, France. 1796, The first U.S. game law was approved. The measure called for penalties for hunting or destroying game within Indian territory. 1847, The first English-style railroad coach was placed in service on the Fall River Line in Massachusetts. 1856, U.S. Senator Charles Sumner spoke out against slavery. 1857, The electric fire alarm system was patented by William F. Channing and Moses G. Farmer. 1858, A pro-slavery band led by Charles Hameton executed unarmed Free State men near Marais des Cygnes on the Kansas-Missouri border. 1864, The Union and Confederate armies launched their last attacks against each other at Spotsylvania in Virginia. 1906, The Federated Boys' Clubs, forerunner of the Boys' Clubs of America, were organized. 1911, The first American criminal conviction that was based on fingerprint evidence occurred in New York City. 1912, The Associated Advertising Clubs of America held its first convention in Dallas, TX. 1921, The U.S. Congress passed the Emergency Quota Act, which established national quotas for immigrants. 1926, Thomas Edison spoke on the radio for the first time. 1926, Benito Mussolini announced that democracy was deceased. Rome became a fascist state. 1926, In Damascus, Syria, French shells killed 600 people. 1928, The first frog-jumping jubilee held in Calaveras County, CA. 1935, T.E. Lawrence "Lawrence of Arabia" died from injuries in a motorcycle crash in England. 1935, The National Football League (NFL) adopted an annual college draft to begin in 1936. 1943, Winston Churchill told the U.S. Congress that his country was pledging their full support in the war against Japan. 1958, Canada and the U.S. formally established the North American Air Defense Command. 1962, Marilyn Monroe performed a sultry rendition of "Happy Birthday" for U.S. President John F. Kennedy. The event was a fund-raiser at New York's Madison Square Garden. 1964, The U.S. State Department reported that diplomats had found about 40 microphones planted in the U.S. Embassy in Moscow. 1967, The Soviet Union ratified a treaty with the United States and Britain that banned nuclear weapons from outer space. 1974, Erno Rubik invented the puzzle what would later become known as the Rubik's Cube. 1967, U.S. planes bombed Hanoi for the first time. 1981, The Empire State Building was designated a New York City Landmark. 1988, In Jacksonville, FL, Carlos Lehder Rivas was convicted of smuggling more than three tons of cocaine into the United States. Rivas was the co-founder of Colombia's Medellin drug cartel. 1989, The Dow Jones Industrial Average passed 2,500 for the first time. The close for the day was 2,501.1. 1992, U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle criticized the CBS sitcom "Murphy Brown" for having its title character decide to bear a child out of wedlock. 1992, In Massapequa, NY, Mary Jo Buttafuoco was shot and seriously wounded by Amy Fisher. Fisher was her husband Joey's teen-age lover. 1992, The 27th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution went into effect. The amendment prohibits Congress from giving itself midterm pay raises. 1993, The Dow Jones Industrial Average closed about 3,500 (3,500.03) for the first time. 1998, In Russia, strikes broke out over unpaid wages. 1998, Bandits stole three of Rome's most important paintings from the National Gallery of Modern Art. 1999, "Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace" was released in the U.S. It set a new record for opening day sales at 28.5 million. 2000, The bones of the most complete and best-preserved Tyrannosaurus rex skeleton went on display in Chicago. 2000, Disney released the movie "Dinosaur." 2003, It was announced that Worldcom Inc. would pay investors $500 million to settle civil fraud charges over its $11 billion accounting scandal. 2003, Hundreds of Albert Einstein's scientific papers, personal letters and humanist essays were make available on the Internet. Einstein had given the papers to the Hebrew Universtiy of Jerusalem in his will. 2005, "Star Wars: Episode III, Revenge of the Sith" brought in 50.0 million in its opening day. 2013, The Yahoo board approved the $1.1 billion purchase of the blogging site Tumblr. 2023, Do smiled.
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