Good Morning, Do, Today is Thursday, July 6 By the time you red this, I will be in Calgary getting sharp needles poked into my eyeballs and all kinds of freezing and cleaning and disinfecting, and Lucentis squirted into the Macular, behind the retina. That means no Friday, Saturday or Sunday issue of the Humor Letter, and no email answered. No Skype either. Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, July 6 in 1699 Captain William Kidd, the pirate, was captured in Boston, MA, and deported back to England. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Associate yourself with men of good quality if you esteem your own reputation for 'tis better to be alone than in bad company. --- George Washington (1732 - 1799) Orthodox medicine has not found an answer to your complaint. However, luckily for you, I happen to be a quack. --- Richter cartoon caption ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ Years ago, when our daughters were very young, we'd drop them off at our church's children's chapel on Sundays before the eleven o'clock service. One Sunday, just as I was about to open the door to the small chapel, the minister came rushing up in full vestments. He said he had an emergency and asked if I'd speak to the children at their story time. He said the subject was the Twenty-third Psalm. But just as I was about to get up from the back row and talk about the good shepherd, the minister burst into the room and signaled to me that he would be able to do the story time after all. He told the children about sheep, that they weren't smart and needed lots of guidance, and that a shepherd's job was to stay close to the sheep, protect them from wild animals and keep them from wandering off and doing dumb things that would get them hurt or killed. He pointed to the little children in the room and said that they were the sheep and needed lots of guidance. Then the minister put his hands out to the side, palms up in a dramatic gesture, and with raised eyebrows said to the children, "If you are the sheep then who is the shepherd?" He was pretty obviously indicating himself. A silence of a few seconds followed. Then a young visitor said, "Jesus! Jesus is the shepherd!" The young minister, obviously caught by surprise, said to the boy, "Well, then, who am I?" The little boy frowned thoughtfully and then said with a shrug, "I guess you must be a sheep dog." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies, "a Divorce Attorney." ______________________________________________________ I remember moving that moon just a bit about 20 years ago. Feels good to see my version come back. _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by David Desper, 28, West Goshen, Pennsylvania Pennsylvania Man Charged With Murdering Teen In Savage Road Rage Incident A Pennsylvania man has been charged with the murder of a recent high school graduate during a road rage dispute last week. David Desper, 28, turned himself in to authorities early Sunday, Chester County District Attorney Tom Hogan said at a press conference that morning. He was charged with first- and third- degree murder, possession of an instrument of crime and reckless endangering in the slaying of 18-year-old Bianca Roberson in West Goshen Township last Wednesday. "This is a story of a savage and senseless murder," Hogan said Sunday. "Bianca Roberson, 18 years old, gunned down because somebody didn't want to give way, somebody didn't want her to merge into a lane of traffic." Roberson had just graduated from Bayard Rustin High School in West Chester, Pennsylvania. She was headed to Florida's Jacksonville University in the fall, her family told local outlets last week in appeals to help them find her killer. Roberson was attempting to merge on a road in West Goshen Township where two lanes become one when she was shot. "They jockeyed for a position, and he wasn't happy," Hogan said of the suspect. "So he pulled out a gun and shot Bianca in the head, killing her instantly." The bullet that killed Roberson matched the semi-automatic handgun found in Desper's home, he added. ______________________________________________________ Tech Support Pits From: Fast Eddie Re: Memory Upgrade Dear Webby, Dear Webby, I have a question for you about "Memory!" (and not my own! :) Now what is the difference whatevers out there in this class of memory (You know the different levels) ? And who makes the best kind? What is going on here is that I had spoke to a friend about purchasing another stick of Ram for my computer, and he had told me that sometimes memory can cause a conflict with the computer. It may work well and may not? Why is this? And how can I tell if my RAM is in good shape? Eddie Dear Eddie Knowing you, I would guess that your memory is bunged up. 1) Get http://www.shouldiremoveit.com/ It will tell you which of your 700 utilities and fake speeder- uppers are just a scam and safe to remove. Print that list and UNinstall all that crap. Reboot. Run CrapCleaner Enjoy a fast computer. Depending on how thorough you are, it should run almost as fast as it did, when you bought it. Defragging also would help. Have FUN! DearWebby The New York City school board has officially declared Jewish English - now dubbed Hebonics - as a third official language beside English and Ebonic. Backers of the move say the city's School District is the first in the state to recognize Hebonics as a valid language and significant attribute of New York culture. They also want to establish Hebonics before new immigrants demand Arabic to be made official. According to Howard Schollman, linguistics professor at New York University and renowned Hebonics scholar, the sentence structure of Hebonics derives from middle and eastern European language patterns, as well as Yiddish. Prof. Schollman explains, "In Hebonics, the response to any question is usually another question plus a complaint that is implied or stated. Thus: "How are you?" may be answered, "How should I be, with my feet?" Schollman says that Hebonics is a superb linguistic vehicle for expressing sarcasm or skepticism. An example is the repetition of a word with "sh" or "shm" at the beginning: "Mountains, shmountains. Stay away. You want a nosebleed?" Another Hebonics pattern is moving the subject of a sentence to the end, with its pronoun at the beginning: "It's beautiful, that dress." Schollman says one also sees the Hebonics verb moved to the end of the sentence. Thus the response to a remark such as: "He's slow as a turtle," could be: "Turtle, shmurtle! Like a fly in Vaseline he walks." Schollman provided the following examples from his textbook, Switched-On-Hebonics. Question: "What time is it?" English answer: "Sorry, I don't know." Hebonic answer: "What am I, a clock?" Remark: "I hope things turn out okay." English response: "Thanks." Hebonic response: "I should BE so lucky!" Remark: "Hurry up. Dinner's ready." English response: "Be right there." Hebonic response: "Alright already, I'm coming. What's with the 'hurry' business? A fire there is?" Remark: "I like the tie you gave me; wear it all the time." English response: "Glad you like it." Hebonic response: "So what's the matter; you don't like the other ties I gave you? Remark: "Sarah and I are engaged." English response: "Congratulations!" Hebonic response: "She could stand to gain a few pounds." Question: "Would you like to go riding with us?" English answer: "Just say when." Hebonic answer: "Riding, shmiding! Do I look like a cowboy?" To guest of honor at his birthday party: English remark: "Happy birthday." Hebonic remark: "A year schmarter you should become." Remark: "A beautiful day." English response: "Sure is." Hebonic response: "So the sun is out; what else is new?" Answering a phone call from son: English remark: "It's been a long time since you called." Hebonic remark: "You didn't wonder if I'm dead yet?" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Fruit Fly Trap By lalala... [829 Posts, 105 Comments] I absolutely hate fruit flies! This trap is very easy to make and works really well. I always have this trap set up on the counter, so an infestation never has a chance to take hold. :) Total Time: 5 minutes Supplies: red wine vinegar Dawn dish soap plastic wrap rubber band toothpick clear jar Steps: Put 3-4 drops of Dawn soap into the bottom of the jar. Pour 6 Tbsp. of red wine vinegar into the jar (or enough to fill it about 1/4 in.). Gently swirl the jar around to combine the ingredients. Place a piece of plastic wrap over the jar and pull it tight across the top. Secure it with a rubber band. Trim off any excess plastic. Using a toothpick, poke holes into the plastic so the flies can get in. Place your trap near any fruit you have out on the counter. Goodbye fruit flies! NOTE: I change out my mixture about every 2 weeks, more often if I am catching a lot of fruit flies. ____________________________________________________ | | Kristof Willerton 2013 Gold - Wow! |
____________________________________________________ Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked little Do about the family trip. "We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota." The teacher asked, "Good, can you tell the class how you spell that?" Little Do said, "I was just kidding, actually, we went to Ohio." ___________________________________________________ | | People are AWESOME! Best videos of the month of June 2017 |
___________________________________________________ Ken's deer hunt 1:00am Alarm clock rings 2:00am Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed 2:30am Throw everything except the kitchen sink in the pick-up 3:00am Leave home for deep woods 3:15am Drive back home and pick up gun 3:30am Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight 4:00am Set up camp - Realize that you forgot the damned tent 4:30am Head out into woods 6:05am See eight (8) deer 6:06am Take aim and squeeze trigger 6:07am "Click" 6:08am Load gun while watching deer go over the hill 8:00am Head back to camp 9:00am Still looking for camp 10:00am Realize you don't know where the camp is -Noon- Fire gun for help - eat some wild berries 12:15pm Ran out of bullets - 8 deer come back 12:20pm Strange feeling in stomach 12:30pm Realize you ate poison berries 12:45pm Rescued!! 12:55pm Rushed to the hospital to have stomach pumped 3:00pm Arrive back at camp 3:30pm Leave camp to kill deer 4:00pm Return to camp for bullets 4:01pm Load gun - leave camp again 5:00pm Empty gun on squirrel that is really bugging you 6:00pm Arrive at camp. See deer grazing in Coleman cooler eatimg your lunch. 6:01pm Load Gun 6:02pm Fire gun 6:03pm One Dead Truck 6:05pm Hunting partner returns to camp dragging deer! 6:06pm Suppress strong desire to shoot partner 6:07pm In doing so, stumble and fall into fire 6:10pm Change clothes, throw burned ones into fire 6:15pm Take pick-up, leave partner and his deer in woods 6:25pm Pick-up boils over - discover bullet hole in radiator 6:26pm Start walking 6:30pm Started crying, stumble and fall, drop gun in mud 6:35pm Meet great big Bear! 6:35pm Take aim 6:36pm Fire gun, blow up barrel plugged with mud. 6:36pm Lose all control of bodily functions. 6:37pm Climb tree 9:00pm Bear departing, wrap gun around the tree 9:03pm Feeling relieved that bear is gone 9:04pm Start climbing down the tree 9:05pm Fall out of tree, break leg. -Midnight- Home at last -Sunday- Sitting in bed with cast on leg watching TV, slowly tearing hunting license into itty-bitty pieces, place into envelope, mail to the Game Warden with very clear instructions. -Monday Game warden falls off chair, laughing. ------------- Here we lay a thin trail of corn into the garage, onto the orange tarp under the engine hoist. Ensure a clear line of fire from the kitchen window to the planned head of the deer and the concrete blocks just past it. | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ A real-estate agent was driving around with a new trainee when she spotted a charming little farmhouse with a hand-lettered "For Sale" sign out front. After briskly introducing herself and her associate to the startled occupant, the agent cruised from room to room, opening closets and cupboards, testing faucets and pointing out where a "new light fixture here and a little paint there" would help. Pleased with her assertiveness, the woman was hopeful that the owner would offer her the listing. "Ma'am," the man said, "I appreciate the home-improvement tips and all, but I think you read my sign wrong. It says, "HORSE for sale." ____________________________________________________ | Today, on July 6, in 1483 King Richard III of England was crowned. 1699 Captain William Kidd, the pirate, was captured in Boston, MA, and deported back to England. 1777 British forces captured Fort Ticonderoga during the American Revolution. 1858 Lyman Blake patented the shoe manufacturing machine. 1885 Louis Pasteur successfully tested his anti-rabies vaccine. The child used in the test later became the director of the Pasteur Institute. 1905 Fingerprints were exchanged for the first time between officials in Europe and the U.S. The person in question was John Walker. 1917 During World War I, Arab forces led by T.E. Lawrence captured the port of Aqaba from the Turks. 1919 A British dirigible landed in New York at Roosevelt Field. It completed the first crossing of the Atlantic Ocean by an airship. 1923 The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics was established. 1945 Nicaragua became the first nation to formally accept the United Nations Charter. 1966 Malawi became a republic within the Commonwealth with Dr. Hastings Banda as its first president. 1967 The Biafran War erupted. The war lasted two-and-a-half years. About 600,000 people died. 1981 Former President of Argentina Isabel Peron was freed after five years of house arrest by a federal court. 1981 The Dupont Company announced an agreement to purchase Conoco, Inc. (Continental Oil Co.) for $7 billion. At the time it was the largest merger in corporate history. 1983 The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that retirement plans could not pay women smaller monthly payments solely because of their gender. 1985 The submarine Nautilus arrived in Groton, Connecticut. The vessel had been towed from Mare Island Naval Shipyard. 1988 Several popular beaches were closed in New York City due to medical waste and other debris began washing up on the seashores. 1989 The U.S. Army destroyed its last Pershing 1-A missiles at an ammunition plant in Karnack, TX. The dismantling was under the terms of the 1987 Intermediate-range Nuclear Forces Treaty. 1997 The Mars Pathfinder released Sojourner, a robot rover on the surface of Mars. The spacecraft landed on the red planet on July 4th. 1997 In Cambodia, Second Prime Minister Hun Sen ousted First Prime Minister Norodom Ranariddh and claimed to have the capital under his control. 1998 Protestants rioted in many parts of Northern Ireland after British authorities blocked an Orange Order march in Portadown. 2000 A jury awarded former NHL player Tony Twist $24 million for the unauthorized use of his name in the comic book Spawn and the HBO cartoon series. Co-defendant HBO settled with Twist out of court for an undisclosed amount. 2017 Do smiled. |
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