Good Morning, Do, Today is Saturday, September 23 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Floriduh mom, daughter arressted for beating a woman unconscious in road-rage  Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, Sept 23 in 1779 John Paul Jones, commander of the American warship Bon Homme, was quoted as saying "I have not yet begun to fight!" See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ A man can stand anything except a succession of ordinary days. --- ann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832) ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ A Florida officer pulls over old Mrs. Fisher because her hand signals were confusing. "Mrs Fisher," he said, "I know that your turn signal has been stuck on right-turn since you bought that car six years ago, but now your hand signals are getting a bit too confusing for us mere mortals to understand. First you put your hand up, like you're turning right, then you wave your hand up and down, then you turn left," said the officer. "I decided not to turn right," she explains. "Then why the up and down?" asks the officer. "Officer," she sniffs, "I was erasing!" _____________________________________________________ Bradley and Michael took a job on a farm to eke out a meager existence. One day while Bradley was baling hay, he sees Michael come running up yelling, "Bradley, come quick! Seamus just fell into the manure pit up to his ankles!" Bradley was not alarmed in the least. He asked Michael, "If he's only in up to his ankles, can't he just walk out?" "No," said Michael, running off again. "Grab a shovel, and hurry, he fell in head first!" _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. Dad works twelve hours a day so that I got a nice house and lotsa food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!" The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!" The first kid says, "I saw some suitcases. I think they are trying to escape!" ______________________________________________________   _____________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Alicia Nicole Scarduzio, 49, Shelley Lyn Gemberling, 20, Pasco, Florida  Floriduh mom, daughter arressted for beating a woman unconscious in road-rage  Two Pasco County women face battery charges after a witness recorded them beating another woman during a road-rage encounter. Investigators said at 3:45 p.m. on Tuesday, mother and daughter, Shelley Lyn Gemberling, 49, and Alicia Nicole Scarduzio, 20, got into an argument with Emily Bailey at the intersection of Little Road and Trouble Creek Road in New Port Richey. Bailey was inside her vehicle, which was in the left lane of Little Road. Gemberling and Scarduzio's vehicle was in the right lane. It was the longest red light of my life. They kept screaming at me, telling me they wanted to f g kill me. I just wanted the light to change, Bailey said. I never thought they would get out of their car and run toward me and pull me out of my vehicle. Investigators said Gemberling and Scarduzio got out of their vehicle and approached the open driver's window, reached in and grabbed Bailey by her hair and neck and pulled her outside through the window. Bailey, a veterinary technician, said she fell to the ground and then Gemberling and Scarduzio began punching her on her face and body. She says she thought she was going to die. They tried to drag me through my window. When I looked into the woman's eyes, I saw pure rage. It looked like she wanted to kill me, Bailey said. During those times, the daughter said, stop hitting my mom. Quit hitting my mom. And, then she hit me again. And, everything went black. Detectives say Bailey lost consciousness and suffered a broken nose and other injuries. Gemberling and Scarduzio did not stop beating her until a citizen intervened. Why were you attacking me when you were in the wrong? You cut me off, Bailey said. It could have been avoided. No one had to get hurt. No one had to go to jail. These were choices that they made. A witness reported seeing Gemberling pulling Bailey out of the vehicle through the window. The witness said she did not see Bailey strike the suspects at any time, but did see the suspects strike her. The mom grabbed me by my throat and started squeezing my neck. The daughter grabbed me by the back of my hair and started pulling, Bailey recalled. The witness also said that Scarduzio hit Bailey multiple times while she was on the ground. All I could think about was my son, Bailey said. Video recorded by a witness showed Bailey on the ground motionless- while Scarduzio hit and kicked her until a guy from a car further back ran up and stopped them from beating and stomping the unconscious woman. It's hard to watch. It's very traumatizing. I think I've cried the first four times I've seen it, Bailey said. I question every time getting in the car now. Definitely, I don't want to beep my horn at anyone. Bailey told deputies that Gemberling and Scarduzio approached her because of a traffic incident. As Bailey tried to raise her window, the pair reached into her vehicle and grabbed her by her hair and throat, then pulled her out of the vehicle and began beating her. Deputies said Scarduzio denied punching Bailey in the face but did say she hit her with her open hand. Gemberling allegedly told deputies that Bailey got out of her vehicle and pushed her. Alicia Nicole Scarduzio, 20, and Kelly Lyn Gamberling, 49, were arrested and charged with burglary and aggravated battery and were booked into the Land O' Lakes Detention Center.  _________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: Gary Re: Adding picture to emails Dear Webby, I would like to know if there is an easy way to add an image to all my outgoing emails..please help.. thank you in advance... GARY  Dear Gary I have no idea if that can be done with your hotmail. With Eudora it's easy. There we had it since about 1990. There you just put the picture into the signature or the stationery. Set it so that your signature footer does not show while you compose or reply. It will add it automatically on it's way out. By now, most email programs have adopted that feature nowadays. Just look for Signature. Have FUN! DearWebby    
 Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by his attorney. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that? Before the attorney could speak, Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win." The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?" The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!" Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole! "Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and use that wastebasket by the door over there as a urinal, and never get a drop anywhere in between." The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again! Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much soaked the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's attorney looked ashen and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked. The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd mess on your desk and you'd be happy about it!" 
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 Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Oatmeal Muffins By Holly805 Total Time: 45 minutes Yield: about 2 dozen Source: Better Homes and Gardens New Cookbook (1968) Ingredients: 2 cups quick-cooking rolled oats 2 cups milk 2 cups all-purpose flour 2/3 cup sugar 6 tsp baking powder 1 tsp salt 1 tsp cinnamon 2 eggs 1/2 cup canola oil Steps: Combine quick oats and milk in a medium size bowl. Let soak 15 minutes. While the oats are soaking, combine the dry ingredients in a separate bowl. Set aside. In a small bowl, beat the eggs until combined. Add the oil to the eggs and beat until light. Combine the egg mixture with the oats and milk. Make a "well" in the flour mixture and gradually pour in the wet ingredients. Mix gently, making sure all the flour from the bottom of the bowl is combined with the liquid. Pour into prepared muffin pans, each cup 3/4 full, and bake 18-20 minutes at 425 F. If you end up with spare batter, estimate how many muffin cups you will need to prepare. Fill the remaining cups halfway with water to prevent scorching and bake as normal. Enjoy! Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  If you don`t like flour, you can fake it by adding a couple of mashed bananas, or left over pumpkin pie filling, or shredded apple or whatever you got handy. Adding an extra egg does not hurt either. Instead of the ridiculous amount of sugar, you can add raisins, dried currants, or if you want them sweet for kids, shaved dried dates. The hard blocks of dried dates are very efficient sweeteners. Use sparingly! Have FUN! DearWebby  ____________________________________________________  
  
 
30 cows in a field and 28 chickens, how many didn't? 
 ____________________________________________________  Thanks to Earl for this story: It was the middle of one of the coldest nights of the winter and Ole and Lena were on their way home on a slippery road. Just as they came around a corner, Lena yelled to Ole to look out. Ole swerved and hit the brakes and came to a sliding stop. "What's the matter Lena", Ole said. "There was a mother skunk and 2 little baby skunks in the road. I'm afraid that you may have killed the mother skunk. We have to go back and look." Ole reluctantly backs the car up and sure enough, there lays the mother skunk in the middle of the road dead and the two baby skunks are by the side of the road. Lena says, "Ole we have to take the babies or they're going to freeze to death." Ole argues against it, but eventually gives in to Lena and Lena goes out and picks up the baby skunks. After returning to the car they start on their way home again. Well, the heater in the car isn't very good and Lena tells Ole that they have to do something to keep the babies warm or they'll freeze to death. Ole finally tells Lena, "Just put them up under your skirt and that will keep them warm". Lena replies, "But Ole, what about the smell?" Ole replies, "Don't worry about it, they'll get used to it". __________________________________________________  
 
Lovers eye jewelry. 
 ___________________________________________________ A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church in Dublin, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ____________________________________________________ A survey on sexual habits was being carried out by a popular newspaper and one questioner stopped an elderly Irish gent in the street and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh, about half a dozen times a year", said the gentleman. The questioner smiled. "I thought you Irish were supposed to be sexy!" she said. "We are," said the gentleman. "But, I don't think half a dozen times a year is so bad for a seventy-two year old priest with no car in a small parish." ____________________________________________________ 
 Today, Sept 23, in 1642 The first commencement at Harvard College, in Cambridge, MA, was held. 1779 John Paul Jones, commander of the American warship Bon Homme, was quoted as saying "I have not yet begun to fight!" 1780 John Andre, a British spy, was captured with papers revealing that Benedict Arnold was going to surrender West Point, NY, to the British. 1806 The Corps of Discovery, the Lewis and Clark expedition, reached St. Louis, MO, and ended the trip to the Pacific Northwest. 1845 The Knickerbocker Base Ball Club of New York was formed by Alexander Joy Cartwright. It was the first baseball team in America. 1846 Astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune. 1912 "Keystone Comedy" by Mack Sennett was released. 1930 Flashbulbs were patented by Johannes Ostermeier. 1951 The first transcontinental telecast was received on the west coast. The show "Crusade for Freedom" was broadcast by CBS-TV from New York. 1952 The first Pay Television sporting event took place. The Marciano-Walcott fight was seen in 49 theaters in 31 cities. 1957 Nine black students withdrew from Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas due to the white mob outside. 1962 "The Jetsons" premiered on ABC-TV. It was the first program on the network to be carried in color. 1964 The new ceiling painting of the Paris Opera house was unveiled. The work was done by Russian-born artist Marc Chagall. 1973 Overthrown Argentine president Juan Peron was returned to power. He had been overthrown in 1955. His wife, Eva Duarte, was the subject of the musical "Evita." 1981 The Reagan administration announced its plans for what became known as Radio Marti. 1986 Japanese newspapers quoted Prime Minister Yasuhiro Nakasone as saying that minorities lowered the "intelligence level" of America. 1990 Iraq publicly threatened to destroy Middle East oil fields and to attack Israel if any nation tried to force it from Kuwait. 1991 U.N. weapons inspectors find documents detailing Iraq's secret nuclear weapons program. The find in Baghdad triggered a standoff with authorities in Iraq. 1993 The Israeli parliament ratified the Israel-PLO accord. 1993 Blacks were allowed a role in the South African government after a parliamentary vote. 1999 A 17-month-old girl fell 230 feet from the Capilano Suspension Bridge in North Vancouver, British Columbia. The girl had bruises but no broken limbs from the fall onto a rocky ledge. 2017 Do smiled.
 
 
 

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