Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, May 21 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award A "man" suspected of assaulting a blind woman he met on a dating app is behind bars. __________________________________________________ On May 21 in 1982, The British landed in the Falkland Islands and fighting began. _____________________________________________________ The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum. --- Havelock Ellis (1859 - 1939) Speak the truth, but leave immediately after. --- Slovenian Proverb ____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. [Oh this makes sense! Who was the genius that thought this up?] __________________________________________ My first grade daughter and her friend both needed new boots as summer approached. The friend got in the car one morning and finally had gotten her boots. "Tina," I commented, "I see you got new boots! Where did you get them?" "At the store," she answered. "Which one?" I asked. She began looking at her new boots and after a pause said, "Both of them!" ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Terrance Cooper, Phoenix, Arizona, USA  A "man" suspected of assaulting a blind woman he met on a dating app is behind bars.  Phoenix Police Sgt. Philip Krynsky says Terrance Cooper met up with the woman on the morning of May 15 at her apartment near 46th Street and Baseline Road. "The victim told Cooper she did not want to have sex, but Cooper persisted and told her he would not leave until they had sex. The victim tried to leave, but Cooper restrained her, hit her in the face and strangled her. The victim was able to fight back, get away and call for help. Cooper also took off," Krynsky explained. They say she fought back and was able to escape. Cooper was spotted in the area and was arrested. The victim was found to have injuries consistent with being strangled. Cooper is facing counts including kidnapping and sexual abuse, Sgt Krynsky said. ___________________________________________________ Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have got fat in four years' [He has his sight back...but now he is missing other things!] ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ When the doctor had completed the exhaustive examination, he told Becky to meet him back in his office when she had finished dressing. From behind his desk, the doctor said, "Well, I can't find any physiological reason for your problem, but I suspect it's due to drinking." "I'll bet you're right," replied Becky. "And, you know what? I think it's utterly shameful!" "Now, now," said the doctor. "Millions of people have a problem with alcohol. It's nothing to be ashamed of." "It certainly is!" Becky huffed, as she picked up her purse and stood to leave. Pausing in the doorway, she shook her head sadly at the doctor and said, "I'll come back when you're sober." ____________________________________________________   Trudy Marie GHO, May 18, 3022 ___________________________________________________ A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel. The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way." ___________________________________________________ When Emma's parents threatened to forbid her to see her boyfriend unless she told them why he'd been there so late the night before, she began to talk. "Well, I took him into the loving room, and..." "That's living, dear," her mother said. "Now you're telling me!" came the answer. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Gyppo Re: Another basic word processor Dear Webby May I suggest another alternative text editor for those wishing to avoid bloated office programmes laden with 'enhanced' features you don't need. I use Jarte from Carolina road Software. It uses the 'engine' from Wordpad, so it stays compatible with whatever version of Windows you are running, but you can set it up as either a fully featured processor, a more basic version, or a lean mean writing tool with a minimal interface. You can turn off all the stuff you don't need and never see it again. The basic version is free. Yours forever. It has all the features you'd expect but without nag screens, crippled features, or the junk stuff we've come to expect from 'free' programmes. If you want to buy a version with a few extras it's not expensive. Support is good too, if you need it. I've been using it since early in this century. It's worth a look Jarte.com Gyppo  Dear Gyppo Thanks! Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ The police recently busted a man selling ' secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth. When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for commiting this same criminal medical fraud. He had earlier been arrested for the same crime in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983. 
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 _____________________________________________ Why is a member of Congress like a shotgun with a broken firing pin? It won't work and you can't fire it. ______________________________________________ Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse." ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $ 2.9 million U.S. in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself. This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. The ones listed below are clear candidates. All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and yet (in the good old USA) with the right attorney you could win anything! (see OJ trial) 1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin Texas was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little prick was Ms. Robertson's son. 2. June 1998: A 19 year old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbour ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car, when he was trying to steal his neighbour's hubcaps. 3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson of Bristol Pennsylvania was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars. 4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbour's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard, as was Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun. 5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. 6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighbouring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses. 7. And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for, "just a few minutes, on low." The case was quickly dismissed. -------- I don't know whether the above are all true, or just typical. ___________________________________________________  
 Today, May 21, in 0996, Sixteen year old Otto III was crowned the Roman Emperor. 1471, King Henry VI was killed in the tower of London. Edward IV took the throne. 1536, The Reformation was officially adopted in Geneva, Switzerland. 1542, Hernando de Soto died along the Mississippi River while searching for gold. 1602, Martha's Vineyard was first sighted by Captain Bartholomew Gosnold. 1790, Paris was divided into 48 zones. 1819, Bicycles were first seen in the U.S. in New York City. They were originally known as "swift walkers." 1832, In the U.S., the Democratic Party held its first national convention. 1840, New Zealand was declared a British colony. 1856, Lawrence, Kansas was captured by pro-slavery forces. 1863, The siege of the Confederate Port Hudson, LA, began. 1881, The American branch of the Red Cross was founded by Clara Barton. 1891, Peter Jackson and Jim Corbett fought for 61 rounds only to end in a draw. 1904, Fdration Internationale de Football Association (FIFA) was founded. 1906, Louis H. Perlman received his patent for the demountable tire-carrying rim. 1922, The cartoon, "On the Road to Moscow," by Rollin Kirby won a Pulitzer Prize. It was the first cartoon awarded the Pulitzer. 1924, Fourteen-year-old Bobby Franks was murdered in a "thrill killing" committed by Nathan Leopold Jr. and Richard Loeb. The killers were students at the University of Chicago. 1927, Charles A. Lindberg completed the first solo nonstop airplane flight across the Atlantic Ocean. The trip began May 20. 1929, The first automatic electric stock quotation board was used by Sutro and Company of New York City. 1929, William Henry Storey registered the trademark for the board game Sorry! in the U.K. (U.K. number 502898) 1934, Oskaloosa, IA, became the first city in the U.S. to fingerprint all of its citizens. 1947, Joe DiMaggio and five of his New York Yankee teammates were fined $100 because they had not fulfilled contract requirements to do promotional duties for the team. 1956, The U.S. exploded the first airborne hydrogen bomb in the Pacific Ocean over Bikini Atoll. 1961, Governor Patterson declared martial law in Montgomery, AL. 1968, The nuclear-powered U.S. submarine Scorpion, with 99 men aboard, was last heard from. The remains of the sub were later found on the ocean floor 400 miles southwest of the Azores. 1970, The National Guard was mobilized to quell disturbances at Ohio State University. 1980, The movie "The Empire Strikes Back" was released. 1982, The British landed in the Falkland Islands and fighting began. 1991, In Madras, India, the former prime minister, Rajiv Gandhi was killed by a bouquet of flowers that contained a bomb. 1998, An expelled student, Kipland Kinkel, in Springfield, OR, killed 2 people and wounded 25 others with a semi- automatic rifle. Police also discovered that the boy had killed his parents before the rampage. 1998, Microsoft and Sega announced that they are collaborating on a home video game system. 1998, In Miami, FL, five abortion clinics were hit by an butyric acid-attacker. 2022 Do smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!