Good Morning, Do! Today is Saturday, August 13  ___________________________________________________ History on this day, August 12, in 1942. Henry Ford unveiled his "Soybean Car." It was a plastic-bodied car that weighed about 1000 lbs. less than a steel car. The media badmouthed it and it was discontinued. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award 3 men arrested after posing as US marshals in Arizona home invasion _________________________________________________ Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them. --- Robertson Davies Seeing ourselves as others do would probably confirm our worst suspicions about them. --- Franklin P. Jones Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. __________________________________________________ Mother had decided to trim her household budget wherever possible, so instead of having a dress dry-cleaned she washed it by hand. Proud of her savings, she boasted to my father, "Just think, we are five dollars richer because I washed this dress by hand." "Good," my dad quickly replied. "Wash it again!" __________________________________________________ >From Linda Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done. As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place. The two men said that would cost an additional $45 service fee, stating it was not in their contract. I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van. I told them my fee: $55.95. ___________________________________________________   __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Humberto Perez, 60, Mark Hutchins Jr., 35, Jason Wortman, 46, in an Arizona jail now, USA  3 men arrested after posing as US marshals in Arizona home invasion  Three men were arrested after authorities say they lied about being U.S. marshals before breaking into a home in western Arizona early Wednesday morning. The Mohave County Sheriffs Office said deputies responded about 4:47 a.m. to a home in Golden Valley, a community several miles west of Kingman, to reports of a home invasion involving three men wearing camouflage and face masks while demanding entry. When the homes residents asked the men to provide identification proving they were law enforcement, the men, who were armed with guns and a baseball bat, kicked in the door, officials said. One assaulted two of the residents before all three fled the area. Investigators said they later learned that one of the suspects, 60-year-old Humberto Perez, had been served an order of protection by his estranged wife over domestic violence issues about a month before the incident and had the other two suspects, 35-year-old Mark Hutchins Jr. and 46-year-old Jason Wortman, help him collect his belongings prior to the break-in. All three are residents of Golden Valley, officials said. Authorities say Perez later asked Hutchins and Wortman for help, claiming his wifes new boyfriend was abusing their son, who is disabled. Perez moved his son to a back room of the home before striking his estranged wife and her mother with a baseball bat, officials said. Authorities say Hutchins and Wortman eventually demanded Perez to stop hitting the two women before physically intervening. The three men fled the home before law enforcement arrived, officials said. The two injured women were taken to Kingman Regional Medical Center for treatment for blunt-force trauma, potentially involving bone fractures, authorities said. Detectives later found Hutchins and Wortman at homes near the 7900 block of Highway 68 in Golden Valley where they recovered the weapons and clothing used in the attack, authorities said. Detectives located and arrested Perez in Las Vegas with help from the FBIs Criminal Apprehension Team, authorities said. Hutchins and Wortman were arrested and booked into a Mohave County jail on suspicion of two counts of aggravated assault and one count of burglary. Perez was booked into the Clark County Detention Center, where he awaits extradition back to Arizona on suspicion of two counts of aggravated assault by domestic violence and one count of burglary. Armed home invasion and beating up elderly women with a baseball bat should ensure free room and board for them for a long time. _____________________________________________________   Jacqueline Lizotte Near Lake Sikome, AB ___________________________________________________ One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform. "Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney. Tilting back in her chair she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment. Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her dishevelled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk. "Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question." ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Daniella RE: Grant Dear Webby, What am I supposed to do when some bubbly bimbo writes to me about a Government grant that is waiting for me? Daniella color> Dear Daniella Don't waste time on it. Just dump it. Anything else will prove that your address is live, and that you can be spammed, and possibly scammed. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ The doctor was making his rounds and walked into the semi- private room in the hospital to examine old Mrs. Williams. After the exam in his best professional voice, he said smoothly, "You are coughing much more easily this morning." "I should," snapped the patient. "I've been practicing all night." _____________________________________________________ A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" The clerk smiled and said... "Rapes in the underground parkade." ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! ___________________________________________________ A new addition to the periodic table of chemical elements Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180+ Physical properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples. Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KID (Element: Child) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralizes by saturating with alcohol. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good specimens are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. _____________________________________________________ Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. "This young man agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The young man must marry the first woman's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law." _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ____________________________________________________ Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. --- Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - ) Arthur C Clarke was a fairly good SF writer, until he sidetracked himself with the "Ice Age Is Coming because of your muscle cars!" fad in the late 60's and early 70's. I told him he was full of shit and that the cycles would cause the climate to warm up soon enough. And guess what? Al Gore came up with Gullible Warming, and blamed that on your cars and your farting. Well, Gullible Warming is finished. We are back into the "Ice Age is coming because of YOUR cars!" fad. You can now recycle all of Arthur C Clarke's rethoric from the late 60's. ____________________________________________________ 
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 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, August 13, in 1521. Present day Mexico City was captured by Spanish conqueror Hernando Cortez from the Aztec Indians. 1704. The Battle of Blenheim was fought during the War of the Spanish Succession, resulting in a victory for English and Austrian forces. 1792. French revolutionaries took the entire French royal family and imprisoned them. 1784. The United States Legislature met for the final time in Annapolis, MD. 1846. The American Flag was raised for the first time in Los Angeles, CA. 1876. The Reciprocity Treaty between the U.S. and Hawaii was ratified. 1889. A patent for a coin-operated telephone was issued to William Gray. 1912. The first experimental radio license was issued to St. Joseph's College in Philadelphia, PA. 1931. The first community hospital in the U.S. was dedicated in Elk City, OK. 1932. Adolf Hitler refused to take the post of vice- chancellor of Germany. He said he was going to hold out "for all or nothing." 1934. Al Capp's comic strip "L'il Abner" made its debut in newspapers. 1942. Henry Ford unveiled his "Soybean Car." It was a plastic-bodied car that weighed about 1000 lbs. less than a steel car. The media badmouthed it and it was discontinued. 1942. Walt Disney's "Bambi" opened at Radio City Music Hall in New York City, NY. 1959. In New York, ground was broken on the $320 million Verrazano Narrows Bridge. 1960. "Echo I," a balloon satellite, allowed the first two- way telephone conversation by satellite to take place. 1961. Berlin was divided by a barbed wire fence to halt the flight of refugees. Two days later work on the Berlin Wall began. 1979. Lou Brock (St. Louis Cardinals) got his 3,000th career hit. 1985. The engagement of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenagger was announced. 1990. Iraq transferred $3-4 billion in bullion, currency, and other goods seized from Kuwait to Baghdad. 1994. It was reported that aspirin not only helps reduce the risk of heart disease, but also helps prevent colon cancer. 2022 Do! smiled. 

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