Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, May 8 Happy Mothers Day!  ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Man shot, killed in north Phoenix for refusing to buy fentanyl __________________________________________________ On May 8 in 1914, The U.S. Congress passed a Joint Resolution that designated the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day. _____________________________________________________ Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead. --- Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994) I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. --- Rita Rudner ____________________________________________________ A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage on a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep -- the man on the top bunk, and the woman on the lower. In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?" The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, "I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married." The man says happily, "OK! Sure!" The woman says, "GOOD. Get your own damn blanket!" ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couples house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing," the mother-in-law asked. "I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied. "Why are you naked," asked the mother-in-law. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law replied. "LOVE DRESS! You are naked," said the mother-in-law. "But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy and he makes me happy," said the daughter-in-law. "I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute," the daughter-in-law continued. Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mother-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the "LOVE DRESS" and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home. Finally, the pickup truck drove up the drive way, and she took her place by the door. Her husband opened the door, and immediately saw his wife naked by the door. "What are you doing," he asked. "This is my love dress," the mother-in-law replied. "Needs ironing," he replied. He is not walking too well just yet. ____________________________________________________   ___________________________________________________ >From Paul Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it." You know where the button is," I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). "Reset it yourself!" "I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second." So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter. At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known. ____________________________________________________ Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could deliver their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to talk to him. The doctor said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that it is a cesarean." Ole started crying, and said, "Vel, I'm glad it is a healthy baby, but I vas kinda hoping it vould be Norvegian." ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Aeneas Harman, Phoenix, Arizona, USA  Man shot, killed in north Phoenix for refusing to buy fentanyl  Phoenix Police have made an arrest after a man was shot and killed near 43rd Avenue and Olive last month. The shooting happened just before 5 p.m. on April 15. Officers reportedly found 23-year-old Andrew Austin with gunshot wounds, and he later died at the hospital. According to a witness, three men had approached Austin asking if he wanted to buy fentanyl. When he refused, he was shot. Surveillance video showed 22-year-old Aeneas Harman shooting the victim, court documents said. Police say they were able to identify Harman because of the face tattoos from his prison mugshot. The 22-year-old had been released from prison less than a year ago after serving time for aggravated assault and theft. He faces several charges, including homicide, robbery and probation violation.  ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Pam Re: Aurora Dear Webby Where can I see a forecast of Auroras? Pam  Dear Pam Go to  Spacew Weather Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ 
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 _____________________________________________ A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! Today's Bonehead Award: Woman rejects 20-year sentencing deal for drug charges, gets 99 years instead __________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! __________________________________________ Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. --- H. H. Williams If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. --- Marcus Bridgstocke _____________________________________________ An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital in Los Angeles, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200." ________________________________________________` If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Felisha Diane Williams, 39, Upshur county, Texas Woman rejects 20-year sentencing deal for drug charges, gets 99 years instead A Texas woman was sentenced to 99 years in prison after pleading guilty to drug charges in Upshur County, KETK reports. Felisha Diane Williams, 39, pleaded guilty on January 13th to possession of a controlled substance with the intent to deliver. In her plea, she declined the states offer of 20 years and opted for a jury to decide her punishment. Due to previous felonies, Williams faced an enhanced punishment range of 15 years to life rather than the normal punishment range of 5-99 years or life in prison. Williams was arrested on May 26, 2018. According to court records, she was a passenger in a car stopped in Gilmer for displaying multiple registrations and mismatched license plates. Police said one of the cars passengers originally gave police a false name. Once police found out the real name, they also found warrants against that name and requested permission to search the car, which the driver granted. In the search, officers found several baggies and methamphetamine. During her transport to the county jail, Williams indicated she had more meth concealed on her person. At the jail, staff found about 7 grams of meth and 16 more small baggies, which authorities say are commonly used in drug trafficking. Williams had four previous felony convictions on her record and was on parole at the time of her arrest. ____________________________________________________ Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could deliver their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to talk to him. The doctor said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that it is a cesarean." Ole started crying, and said, "Vel, I'm glad it is a healthy baby, but I vas kinda hoping it vould be Norvegian." ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ____________________________________________________ A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones." ___________________________________________________ One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told the dumb coon-ass he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water or I was gonna rip something off him!" ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! Today's Bonehead Award: Woman rejects 20-year sentencing deal for drug charges, gets 99 years instead __________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! __________________________________________ Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. --- H. H. Williams If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music. --- Marcus Bridgstocke _____________________________________________ An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital in Los Angeles, but didn't quite make it. She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200." ________________________________________________` An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Felisha Diane Williams, 39, Upshur county, Texas Woman rejects 20-year sentencing deal for drug charges, gets 99 years instead A Texas woman was sentenced to 99 years in prison after pleading guilty to drug charges in Upshur County, KETK reports. Felisha Diane Williams, 39, pleaded guilty on January 13th to possession of a controlled substance with the intent to deliver. In her plea, she declined the states offer of 20 years and opted for a jury to decide her punishment. Due to previous felonies, Williams faced an enhanced punishment range of 15 years to life rather than the normal punishment range of 5-99 years or life in prison. Williams was arrested on May 26, 2018. According to court records, she was a passenger in a car stopped in Gilmer for displaying multiple registrations and mismatched license plates. Police said one of the cars passengers originally gave police a false name. Once police found out the real name, they also found warrants against that name and requested permission to search the car, which the driver granted. In the search, officers found several baggies and methamphetamine. During her transport to the county jail, Williams indicated she had more meth concealed on her person. At the jail, staff found about 7 grams of meth and 16 more small baggies, which authorities say are commonly used in drug trafficking. Have FUN! DearWebby 
 Ole and Lena went to the hospital so Lena could deliver their first baby. As Ole waited in the lobby, the doctor came out to talk to him. The doctor said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have a normal baby boy. The bad news is that it is a cesarean." Ole started crying, and said, "Vel, I'm glad it is a healthy baby, but I vas kinda hoping it vould be Norvegian." If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ___________________________________________________ A golfer who was known for his bad temper walked into the pro shop one day and plunked down big bucks for a new set of Woods. The staff all watched to see what would happen after he used them for the first time - more than half expecting he'd come in and demand his money back. But the next time he came in, he was all smiles. "They're the best clubs I've ever had," he said. "In fact, I've discovered I can throw them at least 40 yards farther than I could my last ones." ___________________________________________________ One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, "Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?" Mrs. Boudreaux said, "Oh yes, that's my husband; I told the dumb coon-ass he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water or I was gonna rip something off him!" ___________________________________________________ Three woman and their children were outside their psychiatrist's office. The wily old doctor was able to diagnose any complaint after asking the patient a few questions. The first woman went in and the doctor asked her a few questions and proclaimed: "Madam, all you ever think is food! That is why you named you daughter Candy!" "Why," exclaimed the woman, "you're absolutely right, doctor!" Then it was the second woman's turn. She got the same treatment and the doctor pronounced: "Madam, you're obsessed with the thought of money. That is why you named you daughter Penny!" "You're right, doctor!" exclaimed the second woman and left. The third woman, who had been listening to all this, got up indignantly and said: "What rubbish! I don't believe a single word you said. Obsessions indeed!" Then waving to her little son to follow her, she said: "Let's go home now Dick." ___________________________________________________  
 Today, May 8, in 1096, Peter the Hermit and his army reached Hungary. They passed through without incident. 1450, Jack Cade's Rebellion-Kentishmen revolted against King Henry VI. 1541, Hernando de Soto reached the Mississippi River. He called it Rio de Espiritu Santo. 1794, Antoine Lavoisier was executed by guillotine. He was the French chemist who discovered oxygen. 1794, The United States Post Office was established. 1846, The first major battle of the Mexican War was fought. The battle occurred in Palo Alto, TX. 1847, The rubber tire was patented by Robert W. Thompson. 1879, George Selden applied for the first automobile patent. 1886, Pharmacist Dr. John Styth Pemberton invented what would later be called "Coca-Cola." 1914, The U.S. Congress passed a Joint Resolution that designated the second Sunday in May as Mother's Day. 1915, H.P. Whitney's Regret became the first filly to win the Kentucky Derby. 1919, The U.S. Navy's first transatlantic flight took off with three Curtiss NC flying boats. 1921, Sweden abolished capital punishment. 1933, Gandhi began a hunger strike to protest British oppression in India. 1939, Clay Puett's electric starting gate was used for the first time. 1943, The Germans suppressed a revolt by Polish Jews and destroyed the Warsaw Ghetto. 1945, U.S. President Harry Truman announced that World War II had ended in Europe. 1954, Parry O'Brien became the first to toss a shot put over 60 feet. O'Brien achieved a distance of 60 feet 5 1/4 inches. 1956, Alfred E. Neuman appeared on the cover of "Mad Magazine" for the first time. 1958, U.S. President Eisenhower ordered the National Guard out of Little Rock as Ernest Green became the first black to graduate from an Arkansas public school. 1959, Mike and Marian Ilitch founded "Little Caesars Pizza Treat". 1960, Diplomatic relations between Cuba and the Soviet Union resumed. 1970, Construction workers broke up an anti-war protest on New York City's Wall Street. 1973, Militant American Indians who had held the South Dakota hamlet of Wounded Knee for 10 weeks surrendered. 1984, The Soviet Union announced that they would not participate in the 1984 Summer Olympics Games in Los Angeles. 1985, "New Coke" was released to the public on the 99th anniversary of Coca-Cola. 1986, Reporters were told that 84,000 people had been evacuated from areas near the Chernobyl nuclear plant in Soviet Ukraine. 1998, A pipe burst leaving a million residents without water in Malaysia's capital area. This added to four days of shortages that 2 million already faced. 1999, The first female cadet graduated from The Citadel military college. 2022 Do smiled. 

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