Good Morning, Do, Today is Thursday, May 18 Have Fun! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Teen parents are arrested after their 15-day-old baby is found covered in 100 RAT BITES in her blood-soaked crib and weighing just five pounds href="http://webby.com/humor/#Bonehead_Award"> Boneheads ______________________________________________________ Today, May 18 in 2014 Russian President Putin signed a bill to absorb Crimea into the Russian Federation. The US, which had promised to protect Ukraine in exchange for them giving up thousands of nuclear war heads, reneged on that promise and did nothing. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ Politics, n. Strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. --- Ambrose Bierce Never eat more than you can lift. --- Miss Piggy Never confuse movement with action. --- Ernest Hemingway ______________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ A college dean was berating a veteran economics professor for having used the same tests for the past 35 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that all of your students know EXACTLY what's on the test before they sit for it?" "Doesn't matter," replied the professor. "You must realize that the subject is economics. The answers are different each year!" -------------------- Yeah, I remember that. Economics is the science of explaining today why the predictions that you made yesterday won't come true tomorrow. With extra points for using big or Latin words. _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ >From G.G.Amanda Greg was explaining the facts of life to his teenage nephew. After covering the basic biology, he moved on to the finer points of lovemaking. "One thing to keep in mind is that different women say different things during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing." "What do you mean, Uncle Greg?" Well, for example, their words will vary according to their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to say, "Are you done yet?" On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask, "Are you done already?" "What do other women say?" Well, a schoolteacher will say, "We are going to do this over and over again until you get it right!" A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit." I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend over." That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bank teller will say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." A stewardess will say, "Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally." "And what does Aunty Keli say? " She says, "Beige ... beige... I think we should paint the ceiling beige." ______________________________________________________ From Dad   This one bloomed yesterday _____________________________________________________ 
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 ______________________________________________________ Reported by the Bausell Sailor: An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Charles Elliott, 18, Erica Shyrock, 19 Magnolia, Arkansas  Teen parents are arrested after their 15-day-old baby is found covered in 100 RAT BITES in her blood-soaked crib and weighing just five pounds  A teenage couple from Arkansas have been arrested after police say their newborn daughter was found covered in blood and suffering from up to 100 rat bites all over her body, including a wound on her head through which the babys skull was visible. Erica Shyrock, 19, and her 18-year-old boyfriend, Charles Elliott, were taken into police custody in Magnolia on Sunday and charged with first-degree endangering the welfare of a minor. According to a graphic arrest affidavit, the case began unfolding at around 11.30am Sunday when police were summoned to Magnolia Regional Medical Center about a baby that had been bitten by rats. An emergency room nurse told the responding officers that the girl was 15 days old and weighed just 5lbs. An examination has revealed that the infant had 75 to 100 rat bites all over her body, including on her arms, fingers, hands and face. The worst injury was an inch-wide gash on the baby's forehead that was so deep it exposed a portion of her skull, the affidavit stated, according to a report by ArkansasMatters.com. When interviewed by police, Shyrock, who has been dating Elliott since 2015, recounted how she put her daughter to sleep at around 5.30am in her bassinet placed next to the parents bed and was awakened by her screams two hours later. When the 19-year-old mom looked in the crib, she said she found her baby girl covered in blood. Elliott, who was interviewed separately, also told police he saw bloody rat footprints in the crib. Both parents said they were aware there their home was infested with rats but failed to address the problem. In the course of the investigation, police interviewed Elliotts' mother, Regina Barton, who revealed to them that her son told her the baby had been bitten by a mouse and that he was afraid to lose custody of her. Barton said she urged her son to take the injured newborn to the hospital anyway. Elliott cleaned up some of the blood, and he and Shyrock said they waited an additional hour and a half for Barton to arrive at their home before seeking medical help for their baby at 9am. Under questioning, Elliott reiterated to police he was afraid. The couple's roommate, Maggie Williams, later gave police permission to search the residence, where they were able to recover the crib with the bloody rodent paw prints, a baby's blood-soaked hat, a baby blanket with blood stains on it and rodent droppings on a cabinet. On Monday, Elliott and Shyrock's daughter underwent a reconstructive surgery to close the gaping wound on her forehead. A doctor at Arkansas Childrens Hospital in Little Rock, where the victim has been transferred for treatment, sent police a note on Tuesday saying the child suffered severe skin destruction from rat feeding. The physician determined the damage would have taken hours to occur and the baby would have been in distress (screaming) during that time. The doctor suggested that the parents were either incapacitated or absent to not have responded to the baby's distress. Shyrock and Elliott are both being held at Columbia County Justice and Detention Facility without a bond. According to Shyrocks Facebook page, the teen mom also has an older daughter whom she had while she was aged 16 or 17. Nobody knows where that child is.  ______________________________________________________  Tech Support Pits From: Noella Re: Installing DSL in the deep South Dear Webby Subject: installing dsl modem & filters August 11, 2004 Instructions for installing Alltel DSL modem: 1. Insert CD that came with modem and follow directions. 2. Go back and enable DSL in system settings. 3. Start over. 4. Apply DSL filters to all phone jacks. You have four phones and Alltel sent three filters. 5. Dryer alert goes off. Take clothes out of dryer so they don't wrinkle. 6. Put in clothes from washer and start dryer. 7. Start new load in washer. 8. Go to basement to check if kids left TV on overnight. 9. Turn off TV and clean kids area. 10. Change trash bag and notice water on floor hasnt evaporated in last 5 days. 11. Use old blanket to absorb water. Blanket not big enough. 12. Go get bucket and large sponge and sponge water into bucket. 13. Empty 1 gallon of water down drain. 14. Come upstairs and fix lunch. 15. Empty dishwasher 16. Eat lunch 17. Load dish washer. 18. Come back to computer room to finish installing DSL. 19. Reconfigure fax machine and telephone lines to correct configuration to work with DSL. 20. Plug in Ethernet line. Ethernet line wont go into wall jack. 21. Watch video. 22. Plug Ethernet line into modem. 23. Plug modem into wall DSL filter, knocking mouse off desk. 24. Move chair into other room so that you can pull trundle out from under day bed to look for mouse ball. Mouse ball not there. 25. Pick up papers from floor. Mouse ball not there. 26. Look in all corners of room. Mouse ball in fourth corner. 27. Replace mouse ball and click next. 28. Realize that youve forgotten to plug power cord into electrical plug on surge protector. Plug in power cord. 29. Realize that plug was too close to shut-off button on surge protector when computer goes off. 30. Go look for three-way plug to make room for more plugs in surge protector. 31. Make sure to move trash can from in front of kitchen drawers so IT doesnt fall over. Electrical plugs not in drawer. 32. Check all other drawers in kitchen. Electrical plugs not in ANY drawer. 33. Remember that the baggie holding electrical plugs are probably on front porch, left over from installing white lights above screens on porch. 34. Find electrical plugs in front porch, bring them into computer room. 35. Plug everything in and turn computer back on. 36. Take out DSL CD and find SCAN CD to find feature you are trying to use is on a CD-Rom or to her removable disk that is not available. 37. Take SCAN CD out and reinsert DSL CD. 38. Finish DSL set-up. 39. Type report 40. E-mail to friends and family.  Dear Noella! What a hoot! Thank you very much for sharing that! Have FUN! DearWebby    Jenny was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and a beautifully set table, complete with flowers. She was astonished, and she immediately wanted to know what was going on. It turned out that Charley, her husband, had read a magazine article that suggested working wives would be more romantically inclined if they weren't so tired from having to do all the housework, in addition to holding down a full-time job. The next day, she couldn't wait to tell her girlfriends at the office. "How did it work out?" they asked. "Well, it was a great dinner, Jenny said. "Charley even cleaned up, helped the kids with their homework, folded the laundry and put everything away." "I really enjoyed my evening." she went on to say. "But what about afterward?" her friends wanted to know. It didn't work out," Jenny said. "Charley was too tired." 
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 Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Tea Bags for Smelly Shoes By jhenton.102 [5 Posts] Put used tea bags into smelly shoes. After a few days, they won`t smell anymore.   

Vet and son rescue 10 point buck

The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side. She said:" What are your golf clubs doing here"? He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" ___________________________________________________

The man who photographs ocean waves.

A woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word. She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died." Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries. She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: Golf clubs for sale."

Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request.

The "Dirty" joke from the folks from Erie: Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99." The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hunnred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hunnred. So, when I start?!"

 Today, on May 18 1302 The weaver Peter de Coningk led a massacre of the Flemish oligarchs. 1642 Montreal, Canada, was founded. 1643 Queen Anne, the widow of Louis XIII, was granted sole and absolute power as regent by the Paris parliament, overriding the late king's will. 1652 In Rhode Island, a law was passed that made slavery illegal in North America. It was the first law of its kind. 1792 Russian troops invaded Poland. 1802 Great Britain declared war on Napoleon's France. 1804 Napoleon Bonaparte was proclaimed emperor by the French Senate. 1828 Battle of Las Piedras ended the conflict between Uruguay and Brazil. 1896 The U.S. Supreme court upheld the "separate but equal" policy in the Plessy vs. Ferguson decision. The ruling was overturned 58 years later with Brown vs. Board of Education. 1917 The U.S. Congress passed the Selective Service act, which called up soldiers to fight in World War I. 1934 The U.S. Congress approved an act, known as the "Lindberg Act," that called for the death penalty in interstate kidnapping cases. 1944 Monte Cassino, Europe's oldest Monastic house, was finally captured by the Allies in Italy. 1951 The United Nations moved its headquarters to New York City. 1974 India became the sixth nation to explode an atomic bomb. 1980 Mt. Saint Helens erupted in Washington state. 57 people were killed and 3 billion $ in damage was done. 1983 The U.S. Senate revised immigration laws and gave millions of illegal aliens legal status under an amnesty program. 1994 Israel's three decades of occupation in the Gaza Strip ended as Israeli troops completed their withdrawal and Palestinian authorities took over. 1998 The U.S. federal government and 20 states filed a sweeping antitrust case against Microsoft Corp., saying the computer software company had a "choke hold" on competitors which denied consumer choices by controlling 90% of the software market. 1998 U.S. federal officials arrested more than 130 people and seized $35 million. This was the end to an investigation of money laundering being done by a dozen Mexican banks and two drug-smuggling cartels. 2012 Facebook Inc. held its initial public offering and began trading on the NASDAQ. The company was valued at $104 billion making it the largest valuation to date for a newly listed public company. 2014 Russian President Putin signed a bill to absorb Crimea into the Russian Federation. The US, which had promised to protect Ukraine in exchange for them giving up thousands of nuclear war heads, reneged on that promise and did nothing. 2017 Do smiled.

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