Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, July 4 Happy 4th of July! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, July 4, in 1946, The Philippines achieved full independence for the first time in over four hundred years. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Arizona man shoots and kills girlfriend after they get into a car crash __________________________________________________ An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. --- Will Rogers (1879 - 1935) The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten (metric) counting system and likes round numbers. --- Scott Adams (1957 - ) Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in. --- Leonardo da Vinci (1452 - 1519) No good deed goes unpunished. --- Clare Booth Luce (1903 - 1987) "Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... the only one that can be mass-produced with unskilled labor." --- Werner von Braun __________________________________________________ California Drivers License Test The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.) Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, 'Guns don't kill people. I do.' Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car? A: Always wear a condom. Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident? A: Be too sh*t-faced to find your keys. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving. A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave 'hello' if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons. _____________________________________________ Bumper Stickers 20. Could you drive any better if I shove that cell phone up your ass? 19. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. 18. Your gene pool needs chlorine. 17. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you. 16. Don't piss me off. I'm running out of Places to hide the bodies. 15. You're depriving some poor village of its idiot. 14. All men are animals. Some just make better pets. 13. Some people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them. 12. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. 11. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 10. All men are idiots. I married their king. 9. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. 8. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative. Piglozy 7. Friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies. 6. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. 5. Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else. 4. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. 3. I used to have a handle on life but it broke. 2. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you got. and the #1 bumper sticker of the week: 1. Honk if you want to see my finger. __________________________________________________ "Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and she says, 'I wish you'd come to me sooner.'" __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Joseph Brandon Gourley, 45, Tucson, Arizona, USA  Arizona man shoots and kills girlfriend after they get into a car crash  The Tucson Police Department says a woman was shot and killed by her boyfriend after they got into a car crash on July 1. At around 2 p.m., Sgt. Richard Gradillas says officers responded to reports of a 2-car crash involving a Dodge truck and Kia Soul near 5th Street and Wilmot Road. "Before officers arrived on the scene, witnesses observed an adult male exit the truck and left the area on foot," Gradillas said. But once they did arrive, an unresponsive woman, Jessica Garcia, 36, was found in the Dodge with shooting injuries. Garcia was taken to the hospital in critical condition but died shortly after arriving. The two people inside the Kia are expected to be OK. As for the man who left the scene, Gradillas says he was found nearby in a yard and was detained. He's Joseph Brandon Gourley, 45. "Detectives from the Homicide Unit were contacted and responded to continue the investigation. Based on interviews and evidence collected at the scene, detectives learned that Mr. Gourley was driving the Dodge truck at the time of the collision. After the collision, Mr. Gourley was exiting the vehicle when he shot his girlfriend, Ms. Garcia, before leaving the scene. Mr. Gourley was charged with 1st Degree Murder and is currently being held in Pima County Jail. Additional charges may be added at the conclusion of the investigation," Gradillas said. No matter what he says at the trial, it is still first degree murder. ___________________________________________________ >From Joseph We always hear "the rules" from the female perspective. Now here are the rules from the male perspective. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! THE RULES 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again! 1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it. 1. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. 1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! 1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand. 1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 1. Check your oil! Please. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic. ___________________________________________________ When Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels. "Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do." "You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said. "And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ My friend Ann and I were eating at a Chinese restaurant. When an elderly waiter set chopsticks at our places, Ann made a point of reaching into her purse and pulling out her own pair. "As an environmentalist," she declared, "I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests for throwaway utensils." The waiter inspected her chopsticks. "Vely beautiful," he said politely. "Ivoly fwom endangeled amimal! By way, Bamboo is not fwom folest. Bamboo is fast gwo-ing glass!" ____________________________________________________   ___________________________________________________ A Hebrew teacher stood in front of his class and said, "The Jewish people have observed their 5,759th year as a people. Consider that the Chinese, for example, have only observed their 4,692nd year as a people. "Now, what does it mean to you?" After a moment of silence, a student raised his hand. "Yes, David," the teacher said, "what does it mean?" David replied,"It means that the Jews had to suffer without Chinese food for 1,067 years." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. That was the mayor's car. I had walked to the store. _____________________________________________________ Discovering too late that a watermelon fruit punch spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local rabbis, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction. "Quick, man," he whispered to the head waiter, "what did they say?" "Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy taking seeds from each other and slipping the seeds into their pockets." ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Moe Re: Bing maps vs Google Maps  Dear Webby, i like Bing Maps. it is on their cool home page too. just look for the ... in photo. theychange the image every day. nice.or i think it had the best resolution from satellite image option.i used to like google maps too. used it to go into Birdseye view and chopper aroundthe nation on roads i planned to take. i even got a game throttle joystick to use in place of mouse.think i used mapquest too. just not lately.or most maps have a directions feature for route planning. but i have to split trip upinto short sections to get the way i travel. off the freeways. backroads. detours. etc.so... who has the best chopper option or birdseye view so able to see from above and move around.moe Moe  Dear Moe google.com/maps does exist, and works viewing from above, but their directions part fails miserably. The straight from above view is a bit disconcerting, not nearly as nice as it used to be, where you could tilt it a bit to get a faked 3D view. Bing.com/maps works. It shows a typical and usable route, but still, like it always did, likes zig-zagging to shave off a mile or two. That is OK in rural areas, but in big cities it adds a hundred traffic lights or stop signs. You definitely have to watch that and fine tune it manually. The zig zagging can lead you through areas, that you possibly do not want to go into, especially during riot season. Bing.com maps works, but it is from Microsoft. That means, as soon as you get used to their quirkies, they will change things around, and usually not in your favor. Like W7 to W10. Most of W10 sorta works, except for Networking, but it is much slower. If you have a W7 machine next to a W10 machine, the W7 machine gets any work done faster. It is the same with their maps and will cause some frustration, but you will get a route figured out. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________ A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when hestumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!" _____________________________________________ A man answered his doorbell and greeted a friend who walked in, followed by a very large dog. The dog immediately jumped up on the sofa with his muddy feet and proceeded to knock over a lamp and chew on the cushions. The outraged householder began to scold his friend, "Don't you think you should train your dog a little better?" "My dog?" exclaimed the friend, "I thought it was your dog!" ___________________________________________________  ____________________________________________________ Ron hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife, Laura. Ron wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of Laura's activities. A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, Ron saw Laura meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen sex activities with utter glee. "I just can't believe this," Ron said with tears in his eyes. The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!" Ron replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!" ___________________________________________________ A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself, as a man and joined the army. "But, wait a minute," said the listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too. Won't she?" "Sure," replied the man. "Well, won't they find out?" "And who's gonna complain?" ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ 
 If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
 
 If you like my work,
 Please donate a dollar, 
 or two, if you can afford it!
 Please, help me stay online!
 
 _______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, July 4, in 1776, The amended Declaration of Independence, prepared by Thomas Jefferson, was approved and signed by John Hancock, the President of the Continental Congress in America. 1802, The U.S. Military Academy officially opened at West Point, NY. 1803, The Louisiana Purchase was announced in newspapers. The property was purchased by the U.S. from France, was for $15 million (or 3 cents an acre). The "Corps of Discovery," led by Meriwether Lewis and William Clark, began the exploration of the territory on May 14, 1804. 1817, Construction began on the Erie Canal, to connect Lake Erie and the Hudson River. 1845, American writer Henry David Thoreau began his two- year experiment in simple living at Walden Pond, near Concord, MA. 1863, The Confederate town of Vicksburg, MS, surrendered to General Ulysses S. Grant. 1884, Bullfighting was introduced in the U.S. in Dodge City, KS. 1886, The first rodeo in America was held at Prescott, AZ. 1892, The first double-decker street car service was inaugurated in San Diego, CA. 1894, After seizing power, Judge Stanford B. Dole declared Hawaii a republic. 1901, William H. Taft became the American governor of the Philippines. 1910, Race riots broke out all over the United States after African-American Jack Johnson knocked out Jim Jeffries in a heavyweight boxing match. 1934, Boxer Joe Louis won his first professional fight. 1934, At Mount Rushmore, George Washington's face was dedicated. 1946, The Philippines achieved full independence for the first time in over four hundred years. 1955, The first king cobra snakes born in captivity in the U.S. hatched at the Bronx Zoo in New York City. 1957, The U.S. Postal Service issued the 4 Flag stamp. 1959, The 49-star U.S. flag became official. 1960, The 50-star U.S. flag made its debut in Philadelphia, PA. 1966, U.S. President Johnson signed the Freedom of Information Act, which went into effect the following year. 1976, The U.S. celebrated its Bicentennial. 1982, The Soviets performed a nuclear test at Eastern Kazakhl Semipalitinsk. 1987, Klaus Barbie, the former Gestapo chief known as the "Butcher of Lyon," was convicted by a French court of crimes against humanity and sentenced to life in prison. 1997, The Mars Pathfinder, an unmanned spacecraft, landed on Mars. A rover named Sojourner was deployed to gather data about the surface of the planet. 1997, Ferry service between Manhattan and Staten Island was made free of charge. Previously, the charge had ranged from 5 cents to 50 cents. 2004, In New York, the cornerstone of the Freedom Tower (One World Trade Center) was laid on the former World Trade Center site. 2005, NASA's Deep Impact spacecraft took pictures as a space probe smashed into the Tempel 1 comet. The mission was aimed at learning more about comets that formed from the leftover buidling blocks of the solar system. The Deep Impact mission launched on January 12, 2005. 2009, North Korea launched seven ballistic missiles into waters off its east coast that defied U.N. resolutions. 2009, The Statue of Liberty's crown reopened to visitors. It had been closed to the public since 9/11/2001. 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!