Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, June 27 ___________________________________________________ History on this day, June 27, in 1985, Route 66 was officially removed from the United States Highway System. :( ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Meth suspect nabbed wearing "I'm Too Good for drugs!" __________________________________________________ Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness. --- Woody Allen (1935 - ) Nothing is impossible. Some things are just less likely than others. --- Jonathan Winters The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think. --- Horace Walpole (1717 - 1797) The more original a discovery, the more obvious it seems afterwards. --- Arthur Koestler (1905 - 1983) __________________________________________________ An old man was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him. While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops. "Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more." The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man. He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around. By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The old man has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them. "Shame! Shame on you, old man, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief. But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The old man was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him. Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple" said the old man "This always happens when I hang my clothes to dry." __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Allen Burnett, 60, Ashville, Alabama, USA Meth suspect nabbed wearing "I'm Too Good for drugs!" An Alabama man wearing a t-shirt proclaiming Im Too Good for drugs! was arrested for possessing methamphetamine and narcotics paraphernalia, police report. Allen Burnett, 60, was collared Thursday night near his home in Ashville, a small city about 45 miles from Birmingham. Burnett, seen at right, was charged with a pair of drug counts and booked into the St. Clair County jail. He was released early yesterday morning after posting $3500 bond. At the time of his arrest, Burnett was wearing a purple t- shirt that declared, Im Too Good for drugs! ___________________________________________________ My aunt learned how to live with her husband's sleepwalking. She gave him a vacuum. ___________________________________________________ The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. ..... End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odour for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence. 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? ;) 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? -Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in- laws? (Lev.20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Malcolm, Your devoted disciple and adoring fan. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. Some of the new treatments and medications have developed in recent years. And the classes in life skills and using computers and connecting with people on the internet have helped me feel more real and in touch with the world. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately, or maybe website design." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post stuff to YahooGroups." ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ >From Waldo Some time back, my cousin, Steve moved to a new apartment. Steve had a business commitment out of town that weekend and so I and my three brothers all chipped in to help his wife move the furniture. The new apartment was on the third floor. We hauled everything up the three flights of stairs and around the tight corner through the kitchen put them where they belonged. Finally, we came to the large couch. After hauling it up three flights to the top of the stairs, we discovered it would not go around the corner through the kitchen. We took it back out into the hall and turned it and tried again. It still wouldn't fit. Finally all of us boosted the couch from the back of the truck up the side of the building. From the third floor, we passed the couch up and over the railing of the tiny balcony and in through the sliding doors into the living room. We all coollapsed on the couch to catch our breath and made a pact that we would not tell Steve how we got the couch into the apartment. "The next time he moves," we conspired, "he will have to figure out how to get the couch out of there on his own. It will be our little secret. He will have to take a saw to it!" As luck would have it, Steve found a place he liked better about three months later. It really was a busy weekend at work, and none of us were available to help move. We waited eagerly to hear from Steve but there was nothing. Finally, after several days of waiting, I asked Steve, "So, did you get everything moved OK?" "Sure," he replied. "Did you run into any problems?" "No." "Now, wait a minute, we had to drag the couch up the outside of the building and haul it over the railing! How did you get it out of the living room? It didn't fit through the kitchen!" Steve looked at me with total disbelief and said "Geez, you idiots, the legs unscrew!" ___________________________________________________ MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS: ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME: 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. PERSONAL HYGIENE: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private, using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money. 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days. 4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no- no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods. DATING (Outside the Family): 1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. 2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go to bed with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago." 3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say, "10:00 PM,' others might say, "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time. THEATER ETIQUETTE: 1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. 2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you. WEDDINGS: 1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. 2. Kissing the bride for more than 15 seconds may get you shot. 3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. 4. Though uncomfortable, say, "Yes," to socks and shoes for this special occasion. DRIVING ETIQUETTE: 1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. 2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way. 3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. 4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too. 5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. MISCELLANEOUS 1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 2. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home. ____________________________________________________ >from Barb Our part of the country had gone for weeks with little or no rain. The TV weatherman, on his computerized map, was pointing out a thunderstorm 50 mi. away. He placed his cursor over the region and clicked to zoom in on the storm. Watching, my son Roger shook his head and said, "I sure wish he would click on that storm and drag it over here." ___________________________________________________ DeaWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Eddie Re: Bookmarks Dear Webby! I used to know how to bookmark sites, but have not done that for so long, I forgot how to do it. What is the trick? Eddie Dear Eddie CTRL D works on many browsers. You can also open an email do yourself, and paste the URL and a short description into it. Address it to yourself, but don't quite send it, so that you can add more stuff later or next week. You can also open a spreadsheet, save it and set it to auto-save every 5 minutes, and paste your urls and descriptions into it. With most spreadsheets URLs are clickable. The benefit of spreadsheets is that they are searchable, and sortable. Have FUN! Dear Webby ___________________________________________________ The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! _____________________________________________________ A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of riding. "How are we faring?" his king asks. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now." ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work, Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it! Please, help me stay online! | ________________________________________________ >From Virginia The government lab where I work recently began a series of secret animal experiments. Our goal is to enhance animal intelligence through the use of computers. We're hoping to use them as cheap and expendable soldiers. We started with four rather exceptional German shepherds. First we provided for a direct computer link between the brains of each of the four animals. Then we provided for a direct link between myself and each of the four. One interesting phenomenon has already occurred in the lab. Every time I enter the room, all five of us start barking at the same time. _______________________________________________ "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong houses!" _______________________________________________ Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. | Today, June 27, in 0363, The death of Roman Emperor Julian brought an end to the Pagan Revival. 1693, "The Ladies' Mercury" was published by John Dunton in London. It was the first women's magazine and contained a "question and answer" column that became known as a "problem page." 1743, King George II of England defeated the French at Dettingen, Bavaria, in the War of the Austrian Succession. 1787, Edward Gibbon completed "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire." It was published the following May. 1801, British forces defeated the French and took control of Cairo, Egypt. 1847, New York and Boston were linked by telegraph wires. 1871, The yen became the new form of currency in Japan. 1885, Chichester Bell and Charles S. Tainter applied for a patent for the gramophone. It was granted on May 4, 1886. 1893, The New York stock market crashed. By the end of the year 600 banks and 74 railroads had gone out of business. 1905, The battleship Potemkin succumbed to a mutiny on the Black Sea. 1918, Two German pilots were saved by parachutes for the first time. 1923, Yugoslav Premier Nikola Pachitch was wounded by Serb attackers in Belgrade. 1927, The U.S. Marines adopted the English bulldog as their mascot. 1929, Scientists at Bell Laboratories in New York revealed a system for transmitting television pictures. 1931, Igor Sikorsky filed U.S. Patent 1,994,488, which marked the breakthrough in helicopter technology. 1940, Robert Pershing Wadlow was measured by Dr. Cyril MacBryde and Dr. C. M. Charles. They recorded his height at 8' 11.1." He was only 22 at the time of his death on July 15, 1940. 1942, The FBI announced the capture of eight Nazi saboteurs who had been put ashore from a submarine on New York's Long Island. 1944, During World War II, American forces completed their capture of the French port of Cherbourg from the German army. 1949, "Captain Video and His Video Rangers" premiered on the Dumont Television Network. 1950, Two days after North Korea invaded South Korea, U.S. President Truman ordered the Air Force and Navy into the Korean conflict. The United Nations Security Council had asked for member nations to help South Korea repel an invasion from the North. 1954, The world's first atomic power station opened at Obninsk, near Moscow. 1955, The state of Illinois enacted the first automobile seat belt legislation. 1959, The play, "West Side Story," with music by Leonard Bernstein, closed after 734 performances on Broadway. 1961, Arthur Michael Ramsey was enthroned as the 100th Archbishop of Canterbury. 1967, The world's first cash dispenser was installed at Barclays Bank in Enfield, England. The device was invented by John Sheppard-Barron. The machine operated on a voucher system and the maximum withdrawal was $28. 1967, Two hundred people were arrested during a race riot in Buffalo, NY. 1969, Patrons at the Stonewall Inn, a gay bar in New York City's Greenwich Village, clashed with police. This incident is considered to be the birth of the homosexual rights movement. 1972, Bobby Hull signed a 10-year hockey contract for $2,500,000. He became a player and coach of the Winnipeg Jets of the World Hockey Association. 1973, Former White House counsel John W. Dean told the Senate Watergate Committee about an "enemies list" that was kept by the Nixon White House. 1973, Nixon vetoed a Senate ban on bombing Cambodia. 1980, U.S. President Carter signed legislation reviving draft registration. 1984, The U.S. Supreme Court ruled that individual colleges could make their own TV package deals. 1984, The Federal Communications Commission moved to deregulate U.S. commercial TV by lifting most programming requirements and ending day-part restrictions on advertising. 1985, Route 66 was officially removed from the United States Highway System. :( 1985, The U.S. House of Representatives voted to limit the use of combat troops in Nicaragua. 1986, The World Court ruled that the U.S. had broken international law by aiding Nicaraguan rebels. 1995, Qatar's Crown Prince Sheik Hamad bin Khalifa al-Thani ousted his father in a bloodless palace coup. 1998, An English woman was impregnated with her dead husband's sperm after two-year legal battle over her right to the sperm. 1998, In a live joint news conference in China U.S. President Clinton and President Jiang Zemin offered an uncensored airing of differences on human rights, freedom, trade and Tibet. 2002, In the U.S., the Securities and Exchange Commission required companies with annual sales of more than $1.2 billion to submit sworn statements backing up the accuracy of their financial reports. 2005, In Alaska's Denali National Park, a roughly 70- million year old dinosaur track was discovered. The track was form a three-toed Cretaceous period dinosaur 2022 Do! smiled. |
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Go to TOP Well, Do , that's all for today.
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