Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, January 27 ___________________________________________________ Today, January 27 in 1880 Thomas Edison patented the electric incandescent lamp. 1926 John Baird, a Scottish inventor, demonstrated a pictorial transmission machine called television. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Parking Lot Pooper got finally caught If a Ram is a Sheep, And an Ass is a Donkey, Then how come a ram in the ass is a Goose? __________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! __________________________________________ The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. --- Lily Tomlin (1939 - ) Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong. --- George Carlin (1937 - 2008) _____________________________________________ Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the Gates, St. Peter greets Ford, and tells him, "Well, you've been such a good guy, and your invention... the assembly line for the automobile...changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone in Heaven you want." Ford thinks about it, and says, "I want to hang out with God Himself." So, the befuddled St. Peter takes Ford to the Throne Room, and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "When you invented Woman, what were You thinking?" God asks, "What do you mean?" "Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much lower front end protrusion. 2. It chatters way too much at high speeds. 3. Maintenance is extremely high. 4. It constantly needs repainting, and refinishing. 5. It is out of commission at least 5 or 6 of every 28 days. 6. The rear end wobbles too much. 7. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust. 8. The headlights are usually too small. 9. Fuel consumption is outrageous. Just to name a few." "Hmmm...," replies God, "Hold on a minute." God goes over to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. In no time the computer prints out a report, and God reads it. God then turns to Ford, and says, "It may be that my invention is flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours...." ________________________________________________` ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ >Reported by Leo F An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Crocodile tears when caught Andrea Grocer, 51, Ashland, Massatwoshitts Parking Lot Pooper got finally caught A Massachusetts woman was busted for allegedly turning a store parking lot into her own personal potty pooping there a staggering eight times in roughly a month. Dubbed the Parking Lot Pooper, Andrea Grocer, 51, of Ashland was allegedly caught dropping trou near the Natick Outdoor Store on Wednesday morning, according to metrowestdailynews.com. Police said they had been investigating since the fecal matter began showing up last month. At first, [workers] thought it was an animal but then they noticed toilet paper and other wipes items animals would not have access to, said police spokeswoman Lt. Cara Rossi, who said the first feces was found in early December. After staking out the site, a cop allegedly spotted Grocer letting her bowels loose out of the door of her 2018 Lincoln MKX SUV just before 7 a.m. When confronted, she told the officer she has irritable bowel syndrome and was on her way to her job as a nanny, a police report says, according to NBC Boston. But she was allegedly seen waiting some 10 minutes for a nearby train and other traffic to clear out before doing the deed and the cop pointed out that there were plenty of public restrooms nearby, the outlet reported. The officer also called her employer, who confirmed she could have just pooped at their house. Store owner Henry Kanner said he couldnt understand why she did it but was flush with excitement at her arrest. Im so happy they arrested her, Kanner said. I have no idea who she is. This has been ongoing. She has defecated quite often over here. Theres nothing more disgusting coming into your parking lot in the morning and seeing a pile of human excrement. At Grocers arraignment Wednesday, her lawyer called her a pillar of the community who works full time. She was charged with wanton destruction of property, and released without bail. She is due back in court March 2. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Elvira Re: Brave Browser Dear Webby What do you think of the BRAVE browser? The ads for it sound great. Elvira Dear Elvira It works, as long as you have all other browsers shut down. It seems to require a lot of RAM, and if you have Chrome and Firefox running to compare, then it gets really slow. If it is the only browser running, then it is OK. It likes blocking ads. Most of the time that is good, but some sites get into a snit about that and refuse to show content. It works and is quite safe and often faster than Firefox or Chrome, but takes a bit of getting used to. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com A Green Frugal Life By joyce Good info, but way too long for here. You can read it at https://www.thriftyfun.com/A-Green-Frugal-Life.html Thriftyfun.com also has a newsletter. If you want more than just one tip per day, or if you want to share your tips, then you can subscribe to it here: ThriftyFun ____________________________________________________ | | A Desert Valentine A Day in the Desert sent in by Moe. Makes me homesick for the desert! |
___________________________________________________ Leroy was telling his friend Bubba about the date he had the night before, "It was a bummer. She used four letter words all evening." Bubba exclaimed, "Really? I can't believe you didn't enjoy that." "Guess again," said Leroy, "All night she kept saying 'Quit,''Stop,' and 'Don't!....'" ___________________________________________________ Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!" His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. "You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her and tell her you're sorry!" Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly." ___________________________________________________ Murphy's Laws On Sex... 1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. 2. Nothing improves with age. 3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. 4. Sex has no calories. 5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. 6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. 7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 8. No sex with anyone in the same office. 9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. 10. A man in the house is worth two in the street. 11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 12. Virginity can be cured. 13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. 14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can't stand years later. 16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right. 17. It is always the wrong time of month. 18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. 19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. 20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. 21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failure. 22. The younger the better. 23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. 24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. 25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. 26. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. 27. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. 28. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 29. Love is a hole in the heart. 30. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. 31. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. 32. Do it only with the best. 33. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old- fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. 34. One good turn gets most of the blankets. 35. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. 36. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 37. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. 38. Thou shalt not commit adultery... unless in the mood. 39. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 40. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. 41. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested. 42. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. 43. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. 44. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 45. Never say no. 46. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. 47. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps. 48. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. 49. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog. 50. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. 51. Love comes in spurts. 52. The world does not revolve on an axis. 53. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. 54. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. 55. Don't do it if you can't keep it up. 56. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. 57. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. 58. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 59. "This won't hurt, I promise..." __________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ | Today January 27 in 1880 Thomas Edison patented the electric incandescent lamp. 1900 In China, foreign diplomats in Peking, fearing a revolt, demanded that the imperial government discipline the Boxer rebels. 1926 John Baird, a Scottish inventor, demonstrated a pictorial transmission machine called television. 1927 United Independent Broadcasters Inc. started a radio network with contracts with 16 stations. The company later became Columbia Broadcasting System (CBS). 1943 During World War II, the first all American air raid against Germany took place when about 50 bombers attacked Wilhlemshaven. 1944 The Soviet Union announced that the two year German siege of Leningrad had come to an end. 1945 Soviet troops liberated the Nazi concentration camps Auschwitz and Birkenau in Poland. 1948 Wire Recording Corporation of America announced the first magnetic tape recorder. The Wireway machine with a built-in oscillator sold for $149.50. 1951 In the U.S., atomic testing in the Nevada desert began as an Air Force plane dropped a one-kiloton bomb on Frenchman Flats. 1967 At Cape Kennedy, FL, astronauts Virgil I. "Gus" Grissom, Edward H. White and Roger B. Chaffee died in a flash fire during a test aboard their Apollo I spacecraft. 1967 More than 60 nations signed the Outer Space Treaty which banned the orbiting of nuclear weapons and placing weapons on celestial bodies or space stations. 1973 The Vietnam peace accords were signed in Paris. 1977 The Vatican reaffirmed the Roman Catholic Church's ban on female priests. 1981 U.S. President Reagan greeted the 52 former American hostages released by Iran at the White House. 1984 Carl Lewis beat his own two-year-old record by 9-1/4 inches when he set a new indoor world record with a long- jump mark of 28 feet, 10-1/4 inches. 1984 Wayne Gretzky set a National Hockey League (NHL) record for consecutive game scoring. He ended the streak at 51 games. 1985 The Coca-Cola Company, of Atlanta, GA, announced a plan to sell its soft drinks in the Soviet Union. 1992 Former world boxing champion Mike Tyson went on trial for allegedly raping an 18-year-old contestant in the 1991 Miss Black America Contest. 1996 Mahamane Ousmane, the first democratically elected president of Niger, was overthrown by a military coup. Colonel Ibrahim Bare Mainassara declared himself head of state. 1997 It was revealed that French national museums were holding nearly 2,000 works of art stolen from Jews by the Nazis during World War II. 1998 U.S. First Lady Hillary Rodham Clinton appeared on NBC's "Today" show. She charged that the allegations against her husband were the work of a "vast right-wing conspiracy." 1999 The U.S. Senate blocked dismissal of the impeachment case against President Clinton and voted for new testimony from Monica Lewinsky and two other witnesses. 2002 A series of explosions occurred at a military dump in Lagos, Nigeria. More than 1,000 people were killed in the blast and in the attempt to escape. 2003 Altria Group, Inc. became the name of the parent company of Kraft Foods, Philip Morris USA, Philip Morris International and Philip Morris Capital Corporation. 2010 Steve Jobs unveiled the Apple iPad. 2019 Do smiled. |
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