Good Morning, Do, Today is Tuesday, May 1 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: Pedophiles tenderized, painted and tied to park bench Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, May 1 in 1944 The Messerschmitt Me 262, the first combat jet, made its first flight. See More of what happened on this day in history. ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
______________________________________________________ Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind. --- Evan Esar Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. --- Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004) Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source. --- Ron Nesen _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like. It seems the minister asked my Mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband." And she said, "I do." Then the minister asked my Dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife," and my Mom said, "He better!." _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ Chines Firefighters conducting a jump rope drill are simply amazing! 3 minutes of skipping rope without a single trip! _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! _____________________________________________________ A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope to the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. "The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren. _______________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jason Lydiard, 26(left), James White, 48, Armagh, Northern Ireland Pedophiles tenderized, painted and tied to park bench Two sex offenders who were on the run from police were doused in blue paint and tied to a bench in a citizen's arrest. James White, 48, and Jason Lydiard, 26, also known as Alexis Guesto, were spotted in south Armagh, Northern Ireland, by people who recognised them from police appeals. White and Lydiard, both convicted paedophiles, were spotted in footage shared on social media with their hands tied behind their backs, having been covered in paint. Police said they had sustained injuries in the arrest and had been taken to hospital for treatment, as they warned against 'vigilante justice'. Detective Chief Inspector Jill Duffie, from PSNI Public Protection Branch, said: 'I understand that feelings in the area have been running high over the search for these men, however, there can never be an excuse for violence or people taking the law into their own hands. 'We will be investigating the assault and working to identify anyone involved.' Concerned residents raised the alarm on Thursday when a blue Peugeot 206 the pair had been travelling in was found with all four of its tyres slashed outside a church. Both men were wanted for a range of offences, including breach of license and warrants, with police making a widespread appeal for help tracking them down. Tech Support Pits From: Sharon Re: Camera Batteries Dear Webby, I really enjoy your humor. It is so nice to read good clean jokes & nice pics. I have a question about camera batteries. I have an inexpensive Kodak digital camera & use rechageable batteries in it. Later this year I plan to fly to Calif. I will of course be taking the camera. I plan to pack it in my checked baggage. What I am curious about is it better to take the batteries out of the camera before packing? Also should I do the same w/ the memory card. Thanks for your help. Sharon Dear Sharon The planes they use nowadays are much faster than the stage coach and your flight to California is not going to take much longer than your usual trips to the mall. Don't worry about the batteries or the memory chip. If you take along a bag full of spare batteries, definitely put them into the checked luggage, along with everything else that might look suspicious on the X-ray. Anything that has an ON/OFF switch shold be securely taped in the OFF position. Luggage is NOT handled gently, and all the stories about electric devices miraculously turning themselves on and causing a lot of embarrassment are not jokes. If there is ANY sound coming from your suitcase, you have to unpack it while surrounded by security guards with explosive shields and drawn guns pointed at you. It even happened to my nephew, when rough luggage handling in Vancouver turned his battery powered razor on. Have FUN DearWebby A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" "No," replied one of the doctors. We ran out of anesthetic and need a good, solid rock." Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Jackie and her husband were foster parents years ago. At one point they had a 4-year-old girl they were quite attached to. Jackie thought she had done a good job in teaching her manners, good behavior, etc. So when the 4-year-old said to her one day, "When I grow up, I want to be just like you!" Jackie's heart swelled with pride... until the 4-year-old finished her sentence... "so that I can reach the @#$%@# light switch by myself!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
When Amanda's son was 6, they were going to Amanda's mother's house where he was going to spend the night. He had been playing on Amanda's nerves the entire day and finally, right before they pulled into Amanda's mother's driveway, she put the standard "mother's curse" on him, saying, "When you grow up, I hope you have a child just like you." He looked at Amanda with big crocodile tears in his eyes and said, "Gee, Mommy, I thought you wanted me to be happy!" ____________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Use Online Resources For Driving Directions If you have an appointment somewhere that you haven't been before, use a free online website like http://mapquest.com or http://maps.google.com to get driving directions. You can enter your starting location, your destination and get step by step directions, including a map. Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com ____________________________________________________ An Irish mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replies," Heck if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse." The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband. "Damned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was, and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat, and then all hell broke loose!" ___________________________________________________ Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?" But the initials really stand for "What would Jesus drive?" One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because "the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury." But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm." Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast." Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..." Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land." And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda..."The Apostles were in one Accord." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
____________________________________________________ | Today, May 1 in 0408 Theodosius II succeeded to the throne of Constantinople. 1308 King Albert was murdered by his nephew John, because he refused his share of the Habsburg lands. 1486 Christopher Columbus convinced Queen Isabella to fund an expedition to the West Indies. 1707 England, Wales and Scotland were united to form Great Britain. 1805 The state of Virginia passed a law requiring all freed slaves to leave the state, or risk either imprisonment or deportation. 1863 In Virginia, the Battle of Chancellorsville began. General Robert E. Lee's forces began fighting with Union troops under General Joseph Hooker. Confederate General Stonewall Jackson was mortally wounded by his own soldiers in this battle. (May 1-4) 1867 Reconstruction in the South began with black voter registration. 1877 U.S. President Rutherford B. Hayes withdrew all Federal troops from the South, ending Reconstruction. 1883 William F. Cody (Buffalo Bill) had his first Wild West Show. 1884 The construction of the first American 10-story building began in Chicago, IL. 1889 Asa Candler published a full-page advertisement in The Atlanta Journal, proclaiming his wholesale and retail drug business as "sole proprietors of Coca-Cola ... Delicious. Refreshing. Exhilarating. Invigorating." Mr. Candler did not actually achieve sole ownership until 1891 at a cost of $2,300. 1898 The U.S. Navy under Dewey defeated the Spanish fleet at Manila Bay in the Philippines. 1905 In New York, radium was tested as a cure for cancer. 1915 A German submarine sank the U.S. ship Gulflight. 1927 Adolf Hitler held his first Nazi meeting in Berlin. 1931 The Empire State Building in New York was dedicated and opened. It was 102 stories tall and was the tallest building in the world at the time. 1934 The Philippine legislature accepted a U.S. proposal for independence. 1937 U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt signed an act of neutrality, keeping the United States out of World War II. 1944 The Messerschmitt Me 262, the first combat jet, made its first flight. 1945 Martin Bormann, private secretary to Adolf Hitler, escaped from the Fuehrerbunker as the Red Army advanced on Berlin. 1945 Admiral Karl Doenitz succeeded Hitler as leader of the Third Reich. This was one day after Hitler committed suicide. 1948 The People's Democratic Republic of Korea (North Korea) was proclaimed. 1958 James Van Allen reported that two radiation belts encircled Earth. 1960 Francis Gary Powers' U-2 spy plane was shot down over the Soviet Union. Powers was taken prisoner. 1961 Fidel Castro announced there would be no more elections in Cuba. 1967 Anastasio Somoza Debayle became president of Nicaragua. 1968 In the second day of battle, U.S. Marines, with the support of naval fire, continue their attack on a North Vietnamese Division at Dai Do village. 1969 Leonard Tose bought the NFL's Philadelphia Eagles for $16,155,000. 1970 Students at Kent State University riot in downtown Kent, OH, in protest of the American invasion of Cambodia. 1971 The National Railroad Passenger Corp. (Amtrak) went into service. It was established by the U.S. Congress to run the nation's intercity railroads. 1981 The Japanese government announced that it would limit passenger car exports to the United States over the next three years. 1986 The Tass News Agency reported the Chernobyl nuclear power plant accident. 1986 Bill Elliott set a stock car speed record with his Ford Thunderbird in Talladega, AL. Elliott reached a speed of 212.229 mph. 1989 Disney-MGM Studios opened. 1992 On the third day of the Los Angeles riots resulting from the Rodney King beating trial. King appeared in public to appeal for calm, he asked, "Can we all get along?" 1998 Arrow Air was fined $5 million for using spare parts that lacked federal approval in the U.S. 1999 On Mount Everest, a group of U.S. mountain climbers discovered the body of George Mallory. Mallory had died in June of 1924 while trying to become the first person to reach the summit of Everest. At the time of the discovery it was unclear whether or not Mallory had actually reached the summit. 2001 Chandra Levy was last seen in Washington, DC. Her remains were found in Rock Creek Park on May 22, 2002. California Congressman Gary Condit was questioned in the case due to his relationship with Levy. 2011 U.S. soldiers killed Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. 2018 Do smiled. |
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