Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, May 5 _____________________________________________________ Today, May 5 in 1925 John T. Scopes, a biology teacher in Dayton, TN, was arrested for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution. More of today in history at History ______________________________________________________ | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Today's Bonehead Award: Woman Charged On A Slow Speed Chase On A Shopping Scooter Stolen From Walmart ________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! ______________________________________________________ A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. --- Joseph Stalin (1879 - 1953) Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. --- H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956) _____________________________________________________ ______________________________________________________ A guy wanted to get in the temple on Yom Kippur, but without a ticket they don't let you in on the Jewish high holidays. He said, "Look, I have to give an emergency message to a doctor friend in there." The guy at the door says, "Sorry, you got to have a ticket." The first guy replies, "Just let me in for one minute, I'll give the doctor the message and then I'll be right out." "All right," says the guy at the door, "but I better not catch you praying." ______________________________________________________` _____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote! Thanks for your votes! ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Sally Selby, Crossville, Tennessee Woman Charged On A Slow Speed Chase On A Shopping Scooter Stolen From Walmart Sally Selby caught the attention of law enforcement around 5 a.m. while driving the Walmart motorized shopping cart in the slow lane of Highway 127 in Crossville, Tennessee. Selby allegedly told officers she was on her way to a nearby Waffle House restaurant to buy a cup of coffee when she was pulled over. Surveillance video showed Selby entered the Walmart store at about 4:15 a.m.and began shopping with the scooter. She then exited and drove through the parking lot, police said. Selby told police she had built the cart and someone had ripped the lights off of it. Walmart employees confirmed the cart belonged to them. Investigators said surveillance video showed her entering the store and began shopping with the scooter. From: Donny Re: Can Open Office open Excel files? Dear Webby Thanks for the newsletter and all your info. I have a question. I have several excel files saved on my PC ( Win 7 Pro). If I install Open Office will those files still open and work properly ? Thanks, Donny Dear Donny Yes, sure. You can even decide whether you want to open them in Excel format or in Open Office format. If you open them in Excel format, then you won't have to read instructions and can continue using all your Excel tricks. If you want to share the files with others, then Open Office is better. Have FUN! DearWebby Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 16 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 20!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 37 races, I've won 29!" says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 91 races, I've won 89 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Daaaaaaaamn!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog!" | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | |
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it." So she steered the boat to shore and docked it. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes." ___________________________________________________ Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Thriftyfun.com Frugal Toys - Squirt Bottles Water fights can be a lot of fun in the summer time. Squirt bottles and spray bottles for dish soap or hand soap that are thoroughly cleaned can make great water guns for small children. Fill up some water balloons as well and let the games begin. thriftyfun.Com ____________________________________________________ | | April's Southern Arizona desert wildflowers are beautiful! |
___________________________________________________ After 4 years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three ads that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't waste your time with the one in the second column. It's me. Or the one in the third column, that is mom." ___________________________________________________ >From Joe Last summer my wife and I met a couple who were friends of my wife at a restaurant. After lunch, the women decided to go shopping, and I invited the man to go sailing. While we were out on the water, a storm blew up. The tide had gone out, and we were down wind trying to work our way back through a narrow channel. At one point the boat grounded and we had to climb overboard and shove with all our might to get it back in deep water. As my new friend stood there, ankle deep in muck, the wind blowing his hair wildly, rain streaming down his face, he grinned at me, and with unmistakable sincerity said, "Sure beats shopping." ___________________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a deli store. He does a double take. He knows that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars. The storeowner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale." The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you 20 dollars for that cat." And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat. The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." The owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight stray cats." ___________________________________________________ | Today May 5 in 1494 Christopher Columbus sighted Jamaica on his second trip to the Western Hemisphere. He named the island Santa Gloria. 1798 U.S. Secretary of War William McHenry ordered that the USS Constitution be made ready for sea. The frigate was launched on October 21, 1797, but had never been put to sea. 1809 Mary Kies was awarded the first patent to go to a woman. It was for technique for weaving straw with silk and thread. 1814 The British attacked the American forces at Ft. Ontario, Oswego, NY. 1834 The first mainland railway line opened in Belgium. 1862 The Battle of Puebla took place. It is celebrated as Cinco de Mayo Day. 1865 The Thirteenth Amendment was ratified, abolishing slavery in the U.S. 1892 The U.S. Congress extended the Geary Chinese Exclusion Act for 10 more years. The act required Chinese in the U.S. to be registered or face deportation. 1901 The first Catholic mass for night workers was held at the Church of St. Andrew in New York City. 1912 Soviet Communist Party newspaper Pravda began publishing. 1916 U.S. Marines invaded the Dominican Republic. 1917 Eugene Jacques Bullard becomes the first African-American aviator when he earned his flying certificate with the French Air Service. 1925 John T. Scopes, a biology teacher in Dayton, TN, was arrested for teaching Darwin's theory of evolution. 1926 Eisenstein's film "Battleship Potemkin" was shown in Germany for the first time. 1926 Sinclair Lewis refused a 1925 Pulitzer for "Arrowsmith." 1936 Edward Ravenscroft received a patent for the screw-on bottle cap with a pour lip. 1945 The Netherlands and Denmark were liberated from Nazi control. 1945 A Japanese balloon bomb exploded on Gearhart Mountain in Oregon. A pregnant woman and five children were killed. 1955 "Damn Yankees" opened on Broadway. 1955 The Federal Republic of Germany (West Germany) became a sovereign state. 1961 Alan Shepard became the first American in space when he made a 15 minute suborbital flight. 1984 The Itaipu Dam opened on the Paran River between Brazil and Paraguay. 1987 The U.S. congressional Iran-Contra hearings opened. 2019 Do smiled. |
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