Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, September 23 Have FUN! Dearwebby Today's Bonehead Award:  Man attempts to rape 76-year-old woman in SE Portland, daughter helps to fight him off  ______________________________________________________ Today, September 23 in 1846 Astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ 
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 I like life. It's something to do. --- Ronnie Shakes ______________________________________________________ A police officer pulls over a car load of nuns.... Officer: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Officer: "Oh Sister, that's not the speed limit. That's the name of the highway you're on!" Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point the officer looks in the back seat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Officer: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119." After he sent them on their way, the officer radioed in what had happened and could hardly contain his laughter. Then the dispatcher told him to go chase those nuns and shoot their tires out before they get to the 401. ------------- The 401 is the "Highway Of Heroes", where soldiers killed in action are brought from the airport to the coroners building in Toronto. Whenever there is a convoy of hearses with fallen soldiers, people pack the overpasses and salute.  We also plant one tree along the Highway Of Heroes for each fallen soldier. The 401 is a fast freeway, but 401 km/h (244.5 mph) is a bit fast for elderly nuns. ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Cookie for this story: Only women of a certain era will fully appreciate this....true story. A Michigan woman and her family were vacationing in a small new England town where Paul Newman and his family often visited. One Sunday morning, the woman got up early to take a long walk. After a brisk five-mile hike, she decided to treat herself to a double-dip chocolate ice cream cone. She hopped in the car, drove to the center of the village and went straight to the combination bakery/ice cream parlor. There was only one other patron in the store. Paul Newman, sitting at the counter having a doughnut and coffee. The woman's heart skipped a beat as her eyes made contact with those famous baby-blue eyes. With a slow smile, the actor nodded graciously and the star struck woman smiled demurely. Pull yourself together! She chides herself. You're a happily married woman with three grown children, you're fifty years old, not a teenager! The clerk filled her order and she took the double-dip chocolate ice cream cone in one hand and her change in the other. Then she went out the door, avoiding even a glance in Paul Newman's direction. When she reached her car, she realized that she had a handful of change but her other hand was empty. Where's my ice cream cone? Oh for heavens sake did I leave it in the store? Back into the shop she went, expecting to see the cone still in the clerk's hand or in a holder on the counter or something. No ice cream cone was in sight. With that, she happened to look over at Paul Newman. His face broke into his familiar warm friendly grin and he said to the woman, "You put it in your purse." _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading Louis Farrakhan's newspaper. His best friend walks by, sees the paper, and stops - in shock. "What are you doing reading that paper?" he says. "You should be reading the 'Jewish Journal'!" The elderly man replies, "The Jewish Journal has stories about anti-Semitism, problems in Israel - all kinds troubles of the Jewish people. I like to read about good news." His friend gasps, "WHAT good news could possibly be in that paper???" "Well, Farrakhan's paper says the Jews have all the money, the Jews control the banks, the Jews control the press, the Jews control Hollywood -- see? It's all *good* news!" ______________________________________________________   Just want to tell ya, Gullible Warming is out of fashion for a spell. _____________________________________________________ 
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 ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Krystal Milne, 33, Hampton, Virginia  Man attempts to rape 76-year-old woman in SE Portland, daughter helps to fight him off  A daughter helped her mom fight off a man, who broke into their southeast Portland home and attempted to rape the 76-year-old woman. On the night of Sept. 12, Barbara Stross woke up when she felt something plop down on her bed. "I thought for a minute there was an animal," the elderly woman said. But, she quickly realized there was a man inside her basement apartment and he was laying right on top of her. "He put his hand over my mouth, kept saying, 'shh, shh.'" She said she began to scream for her daughter, Ingrid, who was upstairs in the main house. As she screamed, her attacker put his hands down on her neck, trying to strangle her. But, the 5-foot-tall, 100-pound woman, fought back. "I'm not used to putting up with being beaten up," she said. More than a week later, she still has the bruises.  "There's some scratches that are healing," Stross said. Hearing her mother's screams, Ingrid Renan Clark, said she ran down the two flights of stairs to her mother's detached apartment. She said, when she burst in the door, she began to scream aggressively. "I remember thinking I need to scream really low. I didn't necessarily want him to know I was a woman." Renan Clark told FOX 12, she charged at the man, pushing him. The alleged attacker, who police have identified as 30-year-old Joseph Green Jr., ran away, leaving his pants on the bedroom floor. The two women said, they immediately locked the door behind him and called 911. According to court documents, a short time later, a Portland Police officer saw two men fighting and one of them was only wearing boxers. Police said, it turns out, Green tried to break into another home, just blocks away, but was confronted by the man who lives there. Stross and her daughter were driven to that second home, where Renan Clark was able to identify him as the man who attempted to rape her mother. Renan Clark told FOX 12 she knew her mother's alleged attacker by name and had spoken with him on three occasions. According to her, he is homeless and, based on their previous interactions, she thought he was kind and gentle. Investigators said Green, who appeared in court on Friday, later confessed to breaking into the two women's home and trying to have sex with Stross. Green is now facing at least a dozen felony charges and is due back in court in November. He is currently being held at the Multnomah County Jail. Although the two women were rattled by the attempted rape, they said they do not want to live in fear. "I don't feel unsafe. I mean, we're both strong women," Renan Clark said. They said, they're going to enroll in free self-defense classes Portland Police Bureau offers and they encourage others to do the same. 
 From Fred Re: Change wallpaper  Dear Webby: Could you please tell me how to put new wall paper on Gateway desktop. It is not a laptop I have a Windows 7 Thank you Fred  Dear Fred Right-click a blank part of the desktop and choose Personalize. The Control Panel's Personalization pane appears. Click the Desktop Background option along the window's bottom left corner Click any of the pictures, and Windows 7 quickly places it onto your desktop's background. Found a keeper? Click the Save Changes button to keep it on your desktop. If not, click the Picture Location menu to see more choices. Or, if you're still searching, move to the next step. Click the Browse button and click a file from inside your personal Pictures folder. Most people store their digital photos in their Pictures folder or library. To make it easy on yourself, make a new folder, that is easy to find, for example C:\WALLS Whenever you see a suitable picture, for example in the Humor Letter, save it to that folder. Then, when you feel like changing the desktop wallpaper, you know where to find it. Click Save Changes and exit the Desktop Background window when you're satisfied with your choices. Exit the program, and your chosen photo stays stuck to your desktop as the background. Have FUN DearWebby  
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 Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, "You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don't worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long." The second lady says, "Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don't worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don't interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long." "Well," says the third lady, "I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship." The fourth lady stands up, says, "I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!" 
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 A little girl was playing quietly while her mom and another lady friend were talking. The little girl let out a big fart. Her mother said "What do you say Suzy?", expecting the reply, "Excuse me." What she said instead was "Watch out, here comes another one!" ___________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com Checkout Surprise  No Jumping on The Mattress While it's a lot of fun, don't let kids or adults jump on mattresses. It can permanently damage the supports inside the mattress and cause it to wear out faster. A small trampoline is much cheaper than buying a new mattress. It can also be dangerous.  Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  ____________________________________________________   
  
 
Yakutsk: The coldest city in the world. 
 ___________________________________________________ One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened. "You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and watches the other men work?" "What's that got to do with it?" he asked. "Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman." ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in- law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife cried, "What are we going to do?" "Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The stupid lion got himself in trouble, let him get himself out of it." ____________________________________________________  
 Today, September 23 in 1779 John Paul Jones, commander of the American warship Bon Homme, was quoted as saying "I have not yet begun to fight!" 1780 John Andre, a British spy, was captured with papers revealing that Benedict Arnold was going to surrender West Point, NY, to the British. 1806 The Corps of Discovery, the Lewis and Clark expedition, reached St. Louis, MO, and ended the trip to the Pacific Northwest. 1845 The Knickerbocker Base Ball Club of New York was formed by Alexander Joy Cartwright. It was the first baseball team in America. 1846 Astronomer Johann Gottfried Galle discovered the planet Neptune. 1930 Flashbulbs were patented by Johannes Ostermeier. 1951 The first transcontinental telecast was received on the west coast. The show "Crusade for Freedom" was broadcast by CBS-TV from New York. 1952 The first Pay Television sporting event took place. The Marciano-Walcott fight was seen in 49 theaters in 31 cities. 1952 Richard Nixon gave his "Checkers Speech". At the time he was a candidate for U.S. vice-president. 1957 Nine black students withdrew from Little Rock Central High School in Arkansas due to the white mob outside. 1962 "The Jetsons" premiered on ABC-TV. It was the first program on the network to be carried in color. 1964 The new ceiling painting of the Paris Opera house was unveiled. The work was done by Russian-born artist Marc Chagall. 1973 Overthrown Argentine president Juan Peron was returned to power. He had been overthrown in 1955. His wife, Eva Duarte, was the subject of the musical "Evita." 1981 The Reagan administration announced its plans for what became known as Radio Marti. 1986 Japanese newspapers quoted Prime Minister Yasuhiro Nakasone as saying that minorities lowered the "intelligence level" of America. 1990 Iraq publicly threatened to destroy Middle East oil fields and to attack Israel if any nation tried to force it from Kuwait. 1991 U.N. weapons inspectors find documents detailing Iraq's secret nuclear weapons program. The find in Baghdad triggered a standoff with authorities in Iraq. 1993 The Israeli parliament ratified the Israel-PLO accord. 1993 Blacks were allowed a role in the South African government after a parliamentary vote. 1999 A 17-month-old girl fell 230 feet from the Capilano Suspension Bridge in North Vancouver, British Columbia. The girl had bruises but no broken limbs from the fall onto a rocky ledge. 2018 Do smiled. 
 

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