Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, July 17 Have FUN! Dearwebby Todays Bonehead Award: San Diego chainsaw attacker is illegal alien who has been deported 11 times Bonehead ______________________________________________________ Today, July 17 in 1821 Spain ceded Florida to the U.S. More of today in history at HIstory ______________________________________________________ 
 If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
 
  
 If living conditions don't stop improving in this country, we're going to run out of humble beginnings for our great men. --- Russell P. Askue The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think. --- Edwin Schlossberg ____________________________________________________ If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  ______________________________________________________ Thanks to Sandie for this story: A SOUTHERNER vacationing in Maine stopped at a small convenience store to buy some souvenirs. As he stood in line to pay for his purchases, the southerner was amused by the accent of some local lobster fishermen, who were in the store discussing the day's catch. Stepping up to the cash register, the tourist commented to the clerk, Some people around here sure talk with funny accents. Aye-yuh, the clerk replied, but thay'll all be gone by Labur Day. _____________________________________________________   ______________________________________________________ From Dad   _____________________________________________________ 
 If you like the Humor Letter, please vote!  Thanks for your votes!
 _____________________________________________________ GOD: Frank , you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles. Saint FRANCIS: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass. GOD: Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there? ST. FRANCIS : Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn. GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. ST. FRANCIS : Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it --sometimes twice a week. GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay? ST. FRANCIS : Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags. GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it? ST. FRANCIS : No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away. GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away? ST. FRANCIS : Yes, Sir. GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work. ST. FRANCIS: You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life. ST. FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away. GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose? ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves. GOD: And where do they get this mulch? ST. FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch. GOD: Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight? ST. CATHERINE: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about.... GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis. ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Alejandro Alvarez Villegas, 32, Chula Vista, California  San Diego chainsaw attacker is illegal alien who has been deported 11 times  A California man who attacked his wife with a chainsaw is an illegal alien who has been deported at least 11 times since 2005, immigration officials confirmed Friday Alvarez has a long record of being deported and returning to the U.S., according to Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). Department of Homeland Security databases indicate Mr. Alvarez- Villegas is a serial immigration violator who has been removed from the United States at least 11 times since 2005, an ICE spokesperson said, according to NBC7 News in San Diego. The incident began Wednesday, when police in the Los Angeles suburb of Whittier responded to a domestic violence call and found Alvarez's wife inside their home with chest wounds caused by a chainsaw. The next day, Chula Vista police pulled over Alvarez in an SUV, that had been reported stolen in Los Angeles. Alvarez allegedly tried to ram a police car during the traffic stop, but officers were able to arrest him without any injuries, Chula Vista Police Lt. Kenny Heinz said, according to NBC7. Rumors that he is claiming sanctuary and will be running on the Democratic ticket for governor of Mexifornia have not been confirmed yet. 
  Tech Support Pits From: Angela Re: Computer positioning  Dear Webby, I have a question about the CPU unit of my desk top. I am rearranging my work/study area and was wondering if it is safe to lay the CPU down on its side and set my printer on top of it gain more space on my computer desk. I do not want to place it on the floor because I have too many animals living in my house and do not fully trust them all to behave with it on the floor. Angela  Dear Angela The CPU doesn't care, and the hard drives don't care as long as you don't put it with the front side up. The most important consideration is good air flow behind it. Don't shove it into a desk hutch cubbyhole, no matter which way you turn it. Laying flat, with the removable side cover side up, is just fine. That is actually better than standing upright on the floor, where the main air intake at the front bottom sucks in all the dust bunnies and pet hairs off the floor and drastically reduces cooling. Yes, I know it's stupid, but they don't want computers to last forever. Try to lay it flat on the left rear corner of your desk, with the former bottom pointing away from you. That way it sucks fresh air from the left of the desk. Especially n summer, cooling of the computer is very important. While you are moving it, pop the side cover open and vacuum it out. If you are scared of large herds of dust bunnies, get somebody else to do it, but don't neglect that chore! Have FUN DearWebby  
 Automatically move ALL your settings and programs. No need to re-install them. The only mover recommended by Intel and Microsoft. 
 As I drove into a parking lot, I noticed that a pickup truck with a dog sitting behind the wheel was rolling toward a female pedestrian. She seemed oblivious, so I hit my horn to get her attention. She looked up just in time to jump out of the way of the truck's path, and the vehicle bumped harmlessly into the curb and stopped. I rushed to the woman's side to see if she was all right. "I'm fine," she assured me, "but I hate to think what could have happened to me if that dog hadn't honked." 
If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!
 
  
 Thanks to Kati for this story: Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?" Bill replied, "I have been in jail." "Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?" "Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?" "Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?" "Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury." ____________________________________________________  Daily tip from Thriftyfun.com A Mail Box for Garden Tools A handy place to store pruning shears and small garden tools is in an old mail box. Place the mail box on a post in a convenient spot in your yard and place the small tools that you use regularly in it. Paint the mail box and it can be quite attractive.   Tip provided by Thriftyfun.com  ____________________________________________________   
 
 
America's forgotten pin-up girl.
 ___________________________________________________ >From Guzalia Today, my 14 year old son was giving dating tips to our neighbor. He said: "Don't give up. All the pretty ones may be married, but all the smart ones are already divorced." ___________________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 >From Stormy Hanging wall paper is messy work. I was struggling to hold a long wet piece of paper in place, when it slipped out of my grasp. My cat and dog just happened to be sitting underneath the ladder. The long gooey thing landed right on them. The startled critters leaped up, crashed into the wall, getting really tangled together. From the barking and hissing, I could tell they were each blaming the other. Stuck together inside the paper, they crashed across the room, thumped over the doorstep, out the open door to tumble across the lawn. The harder they tried to separate, the tighter the paper stuck to their fur. A group of young kids were passing by on their way home from school. They stared at the noisy antics of my unfortunate pets. Two little boys helped me untangle the poor animals. They talked to each other for a moment, then started to giggle. "Hey lady, can we have a piece of this stuff?" I asked why, telling them it had to be wet and put on a wall. "That's okay, we can put water on it." I suggested that their parents might not like them sticking it to a wall," Then I added, "You aren't thinking of putting this on your dog or cat are you?" The giggling turned up a notch. "No, we want to throw it on our sister when she's kissing her boyfriend in the living room!" ____________________________________________________  
 Today, July 17 in 1212 The Moslems were crushed in the Spanish crusade. 1453 France defeated England at Castillon, France, which ended the 100 Years' War. 1785 France limited the importation of goods from Britain. 1815 Napoleon Bonaparte surrendered to the British at Rochefort, France. 1821 Spain ceded Florida to the U.S. 1862 National cemeteries were authorized by the U.S. government. 1866 Authorization was given to build a tunnel beneath the Chicago River. The three-year project cost $512,709. 1867 Harvard School of Dental Medicine was established in Boston, MA. It was the first dental school in the U.S. 1898 U.S. troops under General William R. Shafter took Santiago de Cuba during the Spanish-American War. 1917 The British royal family adopted the Windsor name to replace their German names. 1941 Brigadier General Soervell directed Architect G. Edwin Bergstrom to have basic plans and architectural perspectives for an office building that could house 40,000 War Department employees on his desk by the following Monday morning. The building became known as the Pentagon. 1945 U.S. President Truman, Soviet leader Josef Stalin and British Prime Minister Winston S. Churchill began meeting at Potsdam in the final Allied summit of World War II. During the meeting Stalin made the comment that "Hitler had escaped." 1946 Chinese communists opened a drive against the Nationalist army on the Yangtze River. 1960 Francis Gary Powers pled guilty to spying charges in a Moscow court after his U-2 spy plane was shot down over the Soviet Union. 1966 Ho Chi Minh ordered a partial mobilization of North Vietnam forces to defend against American air strikes. 1975 An Apollo spaceship docked with a Soyuz spacecraft in orbit. It was the first link up between the U.S. and Soviet Union. 1979 Nicaraguan President Anastasio Somoza resigned and fled to Miami in exile. (Florida) 1986 The largest bankruptcy filing in U.S. history took place when LTV Corporation asked for court protection from more than 20,000 creditors. LTV Corp. had debts in excess of $4 billion. 1987 Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North and rear Admiral John Poindexter begin testifying to Congress at the "Iran-Contra" hearings. 1997 After 117 years, the Woolworth Corp. closed its last 400 stores. 1998 Biologists reported that they had deciphered the genome (genetic map) of the syphilis bacterium. 2008 In China, construction of the Shanghai World Financial Center was completed. 2018 Do smiled. 
 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

If you like the Dear Webby Daily Humor Letter,
please vote for it at the Ezine Finder:
Thanks for your votes!

ARCHIVE: If you missed previous issues, you can see them
in the Humor Letter Blog at http://webby.com/humor/blog