________________________________________________ Redneck Pilot Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points. You think sectional charts should show trailer parks. Your toothpick keeps poking your mike. You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer. You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock. You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut. You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight. You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy". You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side. You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window. You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together. Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the landing gear. You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane. You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been flying for years. There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere". There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left. You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep. You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee. You fly to family reunions to meet girls. You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest. You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass. There are grass stains on your propeller tips. The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, hold mah beer and watch this!" ________________________________________________ >From Millie After I recovered from surgery, my family suggested that I write thank-you notes to everyone who sent gifts and cards. I agreed that it was a nice idea, and I asked my daughter to buy several books of 'Love' stamps at the post office. Upon returning, my daughter said, "I asked for books of Love stamps, but the clerk told me they were out of books. And all he could give me was 'Love' in the sheets." ____________________________________________________ 
____________________________________________________ Top 10 Things Only Women Understand 10. Cats' facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoe in different colors. 8. Why Bean sprouts aren't just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your last time. 5. The difference between beige, off-white, bone, and ecru. 4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made. 1. Other women ___________________________________________________ PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED NOTICE: You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time. 1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. 2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. 3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. 4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. 5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. 6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. 7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. 8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. 9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. 10. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. ___________________________________________________ Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. --- Fran Lebowitz (1950 - ) __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by 
From left: Roberto Barrera and Victor Leal Casa Grande, Arizona, USA 2 arrested in murder of man in Casa Grande Two people accused of killing a man near a shooting range in Casa Grande have been arrested. According to police, officers on March 11 responded to reports of a shooting on Isom Road near the Elzy Pearson Shooting Range, west of the Casa Grande Mountains. Once at the scene, officers found the body of Julian Reynolds, a 30- year-old Arizona City man who appeared to have been shot. He was pronounced dead at the scene. After speaking to witnesses, detectives determined that 21-year-old Roberto Barrera, 20-year-old Victor Leal, and their teenage friend were driving near the shooting range when they ran out of gas. "They called another friend to bring them gas and as they waited, Barrera and Leal burglarized a vehicle they found," police said. The vehicle belonged to Reynolds, who police say was in the area collecting brass casings, which he is known to do. "Julian confronted Barrera and Leal, resulting in the shooting death of Julian," police said. After the shooting, the teenager who was with Barrera and Leal ran from the scene. Barerra and Leal then fled the area in their car after allegedly stealing some of Reynolds' belongings Casa Grande is located about 50 miles south of Phoenix. _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Anthony RE: Name on top Dear Webby, Hi, webby, just a question, I signed up a long time ago, and really enjoy your daily jokes, it never fails to bring a smile, and occasionally even a laugh...my question is this, could you upgrade my subscription so that my name is displayed at the top...My name is Anthony, and while I do appreciate the fact that even though we have never met we can still be friends, I like to be on a first name basis with my friends.... by the way, what is your name??? thanks for your help.... AC Dear Anthony I gladly and cheerfully updated your subscription. The way I set it up, a CC of every subscription welcome notice comes me, so that I have an idea how many got added every day. It always makes me sad when I see that somebody has subscribed but was too lazy to put their first name or nickname in. Re my name, I have been called DearWebby for so many decades, that it is strange to hear any other name. On my driver's license it says Helmut Have FUN! DearWebby _________________________________________________ Today, March 14 1489, Catherine Cornaro, Queen of Cyprus, sold her kingdom to Venice. She was the last of the Lusignan dynasty. 1629, A Royal charter was granted to the Massachusetts Bay Colony. 1647, During the Thirty Years War, France, Sweden, Bavaria and Cologne signed a Treaty of Neutrality. 1743, First American town meeting was held at Boston's Faneuil Hall. 1757, British Admiral John Byng was executed by a firing squad on board HMS Monarch for neglect of duty. 1794, Eli Whitney received a patent for his cotton gin. 1864, Samuel Baker discovered another source of the Nile in East Africa. He named it Lake Albert Nyanza. 1891, The submarine Monarch laid telephone cable along the bottom of the English Channel to prepare for the first telephone links across the Channel. 1900, U.S. currency went on the gold standard with the ratification of the Gold Standard Act. 1900, In Holland, Botanist Hugo de Vries rediscovered Mendel's laws of heredity. 1901, Utah Governor Heber M. Wells vetoed a bill that would have relaxed restrictions on polygamy. 1903, The U.S. Senate ratified the Hay-Herran Treaty that guaranteed the U.S. the right to build a canal at Panama. The Columbian Senate rejected the treaty. A deal was signed on November 6, 1903 with the newly independent Panama. 1904, The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the governments claim that the Northern Securities Company was an illegal merger between the Great Northern and Northern Pacific Railway companies. 1905, French bankers refused to lend money to Russia until after their war. 1905, The British House of Commons cited a need to compete with Germany in naval strength. 1906, The island of Ustica was devastated by an earthquake. 1912, An anarchist named Antonio Dalba unsuccessfully attempted to kill Italy's King Victor Emmanuel III in Rome. 1914, Henry Ford announced the new continuous motion method to assemble cars. The process decreased the time to make a car from 12 hours to 93 minutes. 1915, The British Navy sank the German battleship Dresden off the Chilean coast. 1918, An all-Russian Congress of Soviets ratified a peace treaty with the Central Powers. 1923, President Harding became the first U.S. President to file an income tax report. 1932, George Eastman, the founder of the Kodak company, committed suicide. 1936, Adolf Hitler told a crowd of 300,000 that Germany's only judge is God and itself. 1939, Hungary occupied the Carpatho-Ukraine. Slovakia declared its independence. 1943, U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt became the first U.S. President to fly in an airplane while in office. 1945, In Germany, a 22,000 pound "Grand Slam" bomb was dropped by the Royal Air Force Dumbuster Squad on the Beilefeld railway viaduct. It was the heaviest bomb used during World War II. 1947, The U.S. signed a 99-year lease on naval bases in the Philippines. 1947, Moscow announced that 890,532 German POWs were held in the U.S.S.R. 1951, U.N. forces recaptured Seoul for the second time during the Korean War. 1958, The U.S. government suspended arms shipments to the Batista government of Cuba, which brought Castro to power. 1964, A Dallas jury found Jack Ruby guilty of the murder of Lee Harvey Oswald. 1967, John F. Kennedy's body was moved from a temporary grave to a permanent one. 1976, Egypt formally abrogated the 1971 Treaty Friendship and Cooperation with the Soviet Union. 1978, An Israeli force of 22,000 invaded south Lebanon. The PLO bases were hit. 1979, The Census Bureau reported that 95% of all Americans were married or would get married. 1979, Near Peking, China, at least 200 people died when a Trident aircraft crashed into a factory. 1980, A Polish airliner crashed while making an emergency landing near Warsaw. 87 people were killed. A 14-man U.S. boxing team was aboard the plane. 1981, Three Pakistani airline hijackers surrendered in Syria after they had exchanged 100 passengers and crewmen for 54 Pakistani prisoners. 1983, OPEC agreed to cut its oil prices by 15% for the first time in its 23-year history. 1989, Imported assault guns were banned in the U.S. under President George H.W. Bush. 1991, The "Birmingham Six," imprisoned for 16 years for their alleged part in an IRA pub bombing, were set free after a court agreed that the police fabricated evidence. 1991, Bolivian interior minister Guillermo Capobianco resigned after U.S. officials accused him of receiving money from drug traffickers. 1995, American astronaut Norman Thagard became the first American to enter space aboard a Russian rocket. 1996, U.S. President Bill Clinton committed $100 million for an anti- terrorism pact with Israel to track down and root out Islamic militants. 1998, An earthquake left 10,000 homeless in southeastern Iran. 2002, A Scottish appeals court upheld the conviction of a Libyan intelligence agent for the 1988 bombing of Pan Am Flight 103. A five- judge court ruled unanimously that Abdel Basset Ali al-Megrahi was guilty of bringing down the plane over Lockerbie, Scotland. 2003, Robert Blake was released from jail on $1.5 million bail. Blake had been jailed for the murder of his wife Bonny Lee Bakley. 2023, Do smiled. You can un-subscribe from this list by clicking this link: http://webby.com/magiclist/index.cgi?act=u&l=humor2&email=newsletter@newslettercollector.com