Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, May 23 ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Bimbo Malfunction at Polk County McDonalds ___________________________________________________ History 1934, In Bienville Parish, LA, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were ambushed and killed by Texas Rangers. The bank robbers were stopped in a stolen Ford Deluxe. ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ Talk low, talk slow, and don't talk too much. --- John Wayne (1907 - 1979) __________________________________________ A fellow buys a chainsaw after listening to a salesman's claims that it can cut 100 cords of wood in one day. The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours, and cutting only two cords, he quits. Something must be wrong with the chainsaw, he thinks. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" He vows to cut all day the next day, and so he gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts until nightfall. Still, he manages to cut only five cords. The man is convinced that he got a lemon, so he takes it back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer is baffled. He takes the chainsaw from the case and examines it. "It looks fine to me," he says. Then he puts some gas into the tank and pulls the cord and the chainsaw roars into action. The man jumps. "What's that noise?" he asks. ---------- I was told that joke by a guy from Quebec in 1970. He had a very strong French accent, and in his version of the joke, the guy who bought the chainsaw was from Montreal. I still remember his punchline: "Wha dat noise?" __________________________________________________ The owner of a small pizza parlor was being questioned by an IRS agent about his return on which he reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year. "Why don't you people leave me alone?" he said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?" "It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife." "Oh, that," the owner said. "We deliver." ___________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Tianis Jones, 22, Lakeland, Florida, USA  Polk County woman arrested for calling 911 over McDonald's order  The Polk County Sheriff's office arrested a woman they say called 911 and assaulted restaurant workers because her McDonald's order was wrong. Tianis Jones, 22, was arrested Friday evening. Polk County deputies said Jones went too far over a mistake with her McDonald's drive thru order a Happy Meal with a chocolate shake, a Filet-o-Fish sandwich, tea and fries. According to Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd, something was wrong with Jones order, so employees asked her to pull up to the third window. Instead, Judd said Jones parked and went inside the Lakeland McDonald's. Surveillance video shows Jones becoming increasingly displeased with the service, despite workers offering to fix the issues as well as return her money. Jones became so angry she called 911 to complain that McDonalds had gotten her order wrong. Thats when "things went from bad to worse," according to Judd. Jones went behind the counter and started throwing things. She lifted a sleeve of cups and threw them at employees and into the dining room. Judd said the full encounter lasted 10 minutes, but the sheriffs office only released two minutes of the altercation. Jones sister and mother were also there and tried to get her to leave. Judd said they stayed behind after Jones left and were cooperating with investigators. Judd said they were "mortified about the entire event." "I don't know what was wrong with her that night," Judd said. "I don't know if she was two fries short of a Happy Meal, but she created a McMess and acted like a McNut she ended up a McBurglar." Jones was arrested on burglary with assault, criminal mischief, disorderly conduct and misuse of 911 charges, according to the sheriff's office. ___________________________________________________ Consider the tale of the man who gets a job as a night watchman at a factory. Every morning when the night shift workers pass through his gate it is his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure they aren't stealing anything. Things are going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow full of newspapers comes through his gate. He thinks the man is using the papers to cover up what he is stealing, so he removes the paper only to find nothing. Still he feels the man is acting strangely, so he questions him about the paper. "I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away," the man says. The guard lets him pass, but decides to keep a close eye on him. Week after week it's the same. The guy pushes the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. One day after he had been on the job a year, the guard is summoned to his supervisor's office and fired. "Fired?" the watchman asks in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?" "It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you failed," the supervisor says. "What do you mean? Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard." "Oh, really," the boss answers. "Then how do you account for the fact that 365 wheelbarrows are missing?" ___________________________________________________ if you can spare a coin, please hit paypal with it! ___________________________________________________ "I'm ashamed of you," the mother says. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!" "He threw a rock at me," the boy says, "so I threw one at him." "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me," the mother says. "What good would that have done?" the boy asks. "My aim's much better than yours." ____________________________________________________   Pam Bloomfield-Hawkes, Alberta ___________________________________________________ It's hard to resist logical argument. Take, for example, the persuasiveness of Corporal Jones, who was assigned to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Corporal Jones was having a staggeringly high success rate. He was selling insurance to nearly all of the recruits he advised. Curious, the captain stood in the back of the room one day and listened to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000." "Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?" ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________  DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Janice Re: Computer slowing down Dear Webby, I am so computer illiterate I have no idea what you just said. So I will just be thankful I have my DearWebby Humor letter again. I know there is a Linux but had no idea how many versions there were. I think I do now??? My computer is failing fast. I don't want a new one, I just want all that stuff that creeped on to disappear. I think what part I do use will be okay. IF I can get that creepy stuff off. I am working on it. My computer guru (my daughter's husband) here wants to put 10 on this machine but I keep telling him I don't want 10, I just want 7 to run smoothly. We are still talking but I got a feeling I am going to lose. I don't think 10 will run on this dinosaur. Or if it does, it will be slower than the one I have now. Oh well, I have vented and I will probably lose. I hate changing systems. How are you doing? I am so glad you are okay as far as I can tell, I was imagining the worst. I got my Webby fix and am a happy camper now. I am getting ready to read today's edition now. I am a creature of habit. Janice  Dear Janice OK, if you don't have MalwareBytes, get it. Then get "Should I Remove it" https://should-i-remove-it.en.softonic.com/ It does an inventory of everything you got, and tells you what is safe to remove. And it even helps you remove the crap. Then get CrapCleaner and clean fragments of old files and other useless crap. After that, your machine will be good and fast again. I agree, W10 probably would not run on that machine, but it is no help anyway. It just puts the steering wheel on the wrong side and mixes up the gas and brake pedal, and slows things down. And tries to make you switch to an expensive Mac. Just clean up, and your machine will be fine. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ Consider the fellow who sits down for a true-false exam, puzzles over it for a few minutes, then pulls a coin out of his pocket. He flips it, marks the exam, flips it again, makes another mark and continues flipping until he answers all the questions. The student finishes in about 30 minutes while the rest of the class is still sweating it out. The instructor watches him go through the exercise, thinking the law of averages would dictate that the student should get half the answers correct. Then he is surprised to see the fellow start to flip the coin again, this time furiously. "What's going on?" the teacher asks. "I wasn't all that sure of all my answers," the student says, "so I thought I ought to recheck them." 
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 _____________________________________________ A woman calls up a pet store and says, "Send me 30,000 cockroaches at once." The astonished clerk asks: "What in the world do you want with 30,000 cockroaches?" "Well," the woman says, "I am moving today and my lease says I must leave the premises in exactly the same condition I found them." ______________________________________________ Consider the woman who bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products she turns to her husband. "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I look?" Her husband studies her for a few minutes. "Judging from your skin, 20, your hair, 18, and your figure, 25." "Oh, you flatterer," she gushes. "Hey, wait a minute," he says, "I haven't added them up yet." ______________________________________________ 
 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 An art collector was a stroll through the city. In the doorway of a store he noticed a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer and did a double take. The saucer was extremely old and very valuable. The collector walked casually into the store and offered to buy the cat for $2. "I'm sorry," said the owner, "but the cat isn't for sale." The collector pleaded. "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you $20 for that cat." "Sold," said the owner, and he handed over the cat. The art collector paused. "For the 20 bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish." "Sorry buddy," said the owner, "but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 68 stray cats." ___________________________________________________  
 Today, May 23, in 1430, Joan of Arc was captured by Burgundians. She was then sold to the English. 1533, Henry VIIIs marriage to Catherine of Aragon was declared null and void. 1618, The Thirty Years War began when three opponents of the Reformation were thrown through a window. 1701, In London, Captain William Kidd was hanged after being convicted of murder and piracy. 1785, Benjamin Franklin wrote in a letter that he had invented bifocals. 1827, The first nursery school in the U.S. was established in New York City. 1873, Canada's North West Mounted Police force was established. The organization's name was changed to Royal Canadian Mounted Police in 1920. 1879, The first U.S. veterinary school was established by Iowa State University. 1900, Civil War hero Sgt. William H. Carney became the first African American to receive the Medal of Honor, 37 years after the Battle of Fort Wagner. 1901, American forces captured Filipino rebel leader Emilio Aguinaldo. 1908, Part of the Great White Fleet arrived in Puget Sound, WA. 1915, During World War I, Italy switched to the Allies as they declared war on Austria-Hungary. 1922, "Daylight Saving Time" was debated in the first debate ever to be heard on radio in Washington, DC. 1926, The French captured the Moroccan Rif capital. 1934, In Bienville Parish, LA, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow were ambushed and killed by Texas Rangers. The bank robbers were riding in a stolen Ford Deluxe. 1945, In Luneburg Germany, Heinrich Himmler, the head of the Nazi Gestapo, committed suicide while imprisoned by the Allied forces. 1949, The Republic of West Germany was established. 1960, Israel announced the capture of Nazi Adolf Eichmann in Argentina. 1981, In Barcelona, Spain, gunmen seized control of the Central Bank and took 200 hostages. 1985, Thomas Patrick Cavanagh was sentenced to life in prison for trying to sell Stealth bomber secrets to the Soviet Union. 1992, In Lisbon, Portugal , the U.S. and four former Soviet republics signed an agreement to implement the START missile reduction treaty that had been agreed to by the Soviet Union before it was dissolved. 1995, The Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City was demolished. 1998, British Protestants and Irish Catholics of Northern Ireland approved a peace accord. 1999, Gerry Bloch, at age 81, became the oldest climber to scale El Capitan in Yosemite National Park. He broke his own record that he set in 1986 when he was 68 years old. 2013, Google acquired Makani Power for use for its Project Wing. 2016, U.S. President Obama announced that the United States would end its ban of lethal military equipment sales to Vietnam. The restrictions had been in place since the end of the Vietnam War. 2022 Do smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

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