Good Morning, Do! Today is Sunday, April 3 Today in April 3 in 1982, Argentina invaded the formerly Argentinian Falkland Islands. They had been stolen by Britain and were now British-owned. The following June Britain stole the islands again when they sunk Argenina's only cruiser. ___________________________________________________ Bonehead Award El Mirage Police arrest man in connection with domestic violence incident ___________________________________________________ All phone calls are obscene. --- Karen Elizabeth Gordon Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles. --- Frank Lloyd Wright (1869 - 1959) Too late! ___________________________________________________ These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts! ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. ____________________________________________________ Two new additions to the periodic table of elements: Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (Don't even go there) Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left waiting. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known. Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!!! Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50) Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as younger samples. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Spontaneously inflates with hot air when grouped with other like specimens. Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command. Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell. ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Joe was on the phone and told his wife what a lousy day it'd been. She asked, "Will you be joining me in the hot tub tonight?" "Wow, how sweet. What a lovely way to spend an evening," he thought. He was just about to tell her how considerate and wonderful she was being when she continued: "'Cuz, if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub." ____________________________________________________ Angelo Monti Striking a pose at Sperlonga, Latina, Italy. Mom and Son ___________________________________________________ A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, When he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove. At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to desend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed: "Come down, Holy Spirit!" Still no sign of the dove. Then preacher heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters: "Sir, a big black cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the cat?" ____________________________________________________ A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?" The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was the only one bidding against you?" ___________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Jajuann Ernest Robert Jones,30, Maricopa County Jail, AQrizona, USA El Mirage Police arrest man in connection with domestic violence incident Police say domestic violence incident escalated to arson A Valley man is accused of threatening to shoot his wife and then setting fire to her house on fire with their three children inside. Officials with the El Mirage Police Department say they have arrested a man in connection with a domestic violence incident that allegedly escalated to arson. According to a spokesperson with El Mirage Police, 30-year- old Jajuann Ernest Robert Jones has been booked into Maricopa County Jail, and is accused of committing multiple offenses, including attempted first degree murder, arson of occupied structure, and reckless endangerment. Investigators allege Jones is connected with various incidents, the first of which happened on March 14, when El Mirage Police officers responded to an aggravated assault call at a home near Grand Avenue and Acoma Drive. Officers later learned that the suspect, since identified as Jones, pointed a gun at a woman, identified as Jones' estranged wife, in front of her kids in this particular incident, and fled. On the night of March 28, officers were called back to the house due to harassing calls Jones allegedly made to the victim. The calls included threats on the woman's life, and threats of physical harm. Hours later, during the early morning hours of March 29, crews responded to a fire call at the house. The fire, which was extinguished by neighbors, involved the home's front door, as well as a garage door. Officers who responded to the fire smelled a strong odor of gasoline, according to a statement released by police. El Mirage Police officials say they arrested the suspect in Scottsdale, and he is accused of committing a number of criminal offenses, including attempted murder, in connection with a number of domestic violence incidents that targeted his estranged wife. The couple is married, and the wife has a restraining order, but according to police, that didn't stop her husband from making several dangerous house calls, finally landing him in jail. Early in the morning March 29, security video shows what police believe is Jajuann Jones, pouring a flammable liquid around his wife's front door and lighting it on fire. A neighbor helped put out the fire with a garden hose. She asked us to hide her identity. "I just saw a red and I started screaming, got my kids out and take them to the living room and got my husband." In court, Jones didn't say much to a judge. He is facing a laundry list of charges, including attempted first-degree murder, endangerment, and arson. Off camera, his wife urged the judge to keep him behind bars. "He has the means to flee the state and somebody helping him, so just for our safety." Court paperwork shows days before the fire, Jones allegedly pulled a gun on his wife and threatened to kill her while their kids were watching. She also told police he called 25 times in one day, threatening to shoot her and blow up the house. "Our victim services unit is working with the victim. But obviously, it's a terrible situation for anybody to be in," said Lt. Jimmy Chavez of the El Mirage Police Department. No one was shot and no one was hurt in the fire. The house now bares the black scars left by the fire. Nervous neighbors are hoping the fireworks next door are finally finished. "Yes, definitely, I mean, they're children, I can't even imagine what they're going through.. three kids.. I have little ones so that's a little bit hard." Police had several conversations with Jones, asking that he turn himself in. Jones reportedly told them "you'll have to catch me first," and that's exactly what they did on March 31. Jones was arrested at a hotel in Scottsdale. His bond was set at $1 million. ____________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! ______________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Mary RE: Running a computer without a hard drive Dear Webby. I dropped off my computer yesterday and I received a call about it today. The hard drive is going out and not worth putting money in to it. Also I'm going for a 2nd opinion regarding the brain aneurysm, the dr wouldn't answer my questions so off to find another dr. Have a great day and please take care. Smiles... Mary (Mary's computer occasionally loses the bottom half of the monitor) Dear Mary I would get a second opinion about the computer too. Blaming it on the hard drive is as stupid as blaming the stuff in the trunk for a car engine not running right. Obviously somebody wants to steal your laptop. Also, hard drives are cheap now. Check with a more reputable computer fixer, and even chat with the manufacturer. They will probably fall down laughing when you tell them about some crook blaming the hard drive for occasional intermittent video problems. You CAN run a computer without a hard drive, with just a "Linux on a stick". Most store Point-of-sale" computers run like that. Have FUN! DearWebby ______________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! __________________________________________ You just might be a redneck, .... If you find more cars than you expected, when you mow the grass. | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ A young married couple lived in a cheap housing complex. Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor. "Give this to your husband," he said thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!" ______________________________________________ "Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my math homework for me?" Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny, "Why don't you at least try ? Mom can help you with it." ______________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
A teacher observed a boy entering the classroom with dirty hands. She stopped him and said, "Johnny, please wash your hands. My goodness, what would you say if I came into the room with hands like that?" With a smile the boy replied, "I think I'd be too polite to mention it." ___________________________________________________ | Today, April 3, in 1513, Spanish explorer Juan Ponce de Leon landed in Florida. He had sighted the land the day before. 1776, George Washington received an honorary Doctor of Laws degree from Harvard College . 1829, James Carrington patented the coffee mill. 1860, The first Pony Express riders left St. Joseph, MO and Sacramento, CA. The trip across country took about 10 days. The Pony Express only lasted about a year and a half. 1865, Union forces occupy Confederate capital of Richmond, Virginia. 1866, Rudolph Eickemeyer and G. Osterheld patented a blocking and shaping machine for hats. 1882, The American outlaw Jesse James was shot in the back and killed by Robert Ford for a $5,000 reward. There was later controversy over whether it was actually Jesse James that had been killed. 1910, Alaska's Mt. McKinley, the highest mountain in North America was climbed. 1933, First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt informed newspaper reporters that beer would be served at the White House. This followed the March 22 legislation that legalized "3.2%" beer. 1936, Richard Bruno Hauptmann was executed for the kidnapping and death of the son of Charles and Anne Lindbergh. 1942, The Japanese began their all-out assault on the U.S. and Filipino troops at Bataan. 1946, Lt. General Masaharu Homma, the Japanese commander responsible for the Bataan Death March, was executed in the Philippines. 1948, U.S. President Harry Truman signed the Marshall Plan to revive war-torn Europe. It was $5 billion in aid for 16 countries. 1949, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis debuted on radio on the "Martin and Lewis Show". The NBC program ran until 1952. 1953, "TV Guide" was published for the first time. 1967, The U.S. State Department said that Hanoi might be brainwashing American prisoners. 1968, Martin Luther King Jr. delivered his "mountaintop" speech just 24 hours before he was assassinated. 1968, North Vietnam agreed to meet with U.S. representatives to set up preliminary peace talks. 1972, Charlie Chaplin returned to the U.S. after a twenty- year absence. 1979, Jane Byrne became the first female mayor in Chicago. 1982, John Chancellor stepped down as anchor of the "The NBC Nightly News." Roger Mudd and Tom Brokaw became the co- anchors of the show. 1983, It was reported that Vietnamese occupation forces had overrun a key insurgent base in western Cambodia. 1984, Sikh terrorists killed a member of the Indian Parliament in his home. 1984, Col. Lansana Konte became the new president of Guinea when the armed forces seized power after the death of Sekou Toure. 1985, The U.S. charged that Israel violated the Geneva Convention by deporting Shiite prisoners. 1986, The U.S. national debt hit $2 trillion. 1987, Riots disrupted mass during the Pope's visit to Santiago, Chili. 1993, The Norman Rockwell Museum opened in Stockbridge, MA. 1996, An Air Force jetliner carrying Commerce Secretary Ron Brown crashed in Croatia, killing all 35 people aboard. 1996, Unabomber suspect Theodore Kaczynski was arrested. He pled guilty in January 1998 to five Unabomber attacks in exchange for a life sentence without chance for parole. 1998, The Dow Jones industrial average climbed above 9,000 for the first time. 2000, A U.S. federal judge ruled that Microsoft had violated U.S. antitrust laws by keeping "an oppressive thumb" on its competitors. Microsoft said that they would appeal the ruling. 2000, The Nasdaq set a one-day record when it lost 349.15 points to close at 4,233.68. 2010, The first Apple iPad was released. 2022 Do smiled. |
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