Good Morning, Do! Today is Monday, August 8, 2022 Thank you, Ken!! ___________________________________________________ History on this day, August 4, in 1945, After World War II, the Soviet Union declared war on Japan. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Award Delray Beach Woman Flees Crash After Using Marijuana Urinates On Self, Gives Witnesses The Finger, Then Makes Race Statement To African American Officer _________________________________________________ Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical. --- Yogi Berra (1925 - ) Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. --- Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790) No man is exempt from saying silly things; the mischief is to say them deliberately. --- Michel de Montaigne (1533 - 1592) Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won't spoil me. __________________________________________________ "Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she can't live without me, and she wants to marry me." "And you're asking my permission to marry her?" "No, I'm asking you to make her leave me the hell alone!!" ___________________________________________________ A man complained about having had two unhappy marriages. His first wife divorced him and his second wife wouldn't. __________________________________________________ >Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by  Mallory Fleming, 23, Delray Beach Floriduh, USA  Delray Beach Woman Flees Crash After Using Marijuana Urinates On Self, Gives Witnesses The Finger, Then Makes Race Statement To African American Officer  Delray Beach resident Mallory Fleming is facing five charges Saturday morning following a hit and run crash in Delray Beach on Thursday. Although she was driving a Nissan Rogue, this is NOT the hit and run that left a man dead in Boca Raton. She is not connected to that incident. Fleming, 23, who lives in East Delray Beach, is charged with: hit and run, simple assault on an officer, DUI damage to property, reckless driving, and resisting an officer with violence. The following is the narrative of the incident written by a responding Delray Beach Police Officer. Delray Beach resident Mallory Fleming is facing five charges Saturday morning following a hit and run crash in Delray Beach on Thursday. Although she was driving a Nissan Rogue, this is NOT the hit and run that left a man dead in Boca Raton. She is not connected to that incident. Fleming, 23, who lives in East Delray Beach, is charged with: hit and run, simple assault on an officer, DUI damage to property, reckless driving, and resisting an officer with violence. The following is the narrative of the incident written by a responding Delray Beach Police Officer: On 08/04/22 at 2127hrs a motor vehicle crash was reported at the intersection of S. Federal Hwy, and E. Linton Blvd. Dispatch advised a gray 2020 Nissan Rogue (FL. Tag FMGU75) struck a red 2018 Nissan Altima. A crash witness was on scene and began to video record after the crash occurred. I observed the video where a while female diver (later identified as Mallory Elizebeth Fleming) exiled the Rogue from the divers door and stumble over to the victims vehicle drivers window. Fleming leans against the victims vehicle and urinates on herself while speaking to the victim. Fleming then stands up and stumbles around almost falling while she was walking back to the Rogue. Fleming opens the drivers door on the Rogue and waves her middle finger around making it visible to anybody in the vicinity of the crash. Fleming entered the Rogue and began driving northbound, leaving the crash scene without providing any information to the victim. The witness followed the Rogue and gave Dispatch turn-by- turn directions giving the location of the Rogue. The witness followed the Rogue to 120 NE 1st Ave., Delray Beach, FL. Officers arrived and conducted a traffic stop on the Rogue. The witness identified Fleming as the driver of the Rogue. The witness stated Fleming was swerving all over the road and almost hit a pedestrian. The witness stated Fleming was operating the Rogue in a manner which disregarded the safety of other motorists and pedestrians. The witness provided me with a sworn recorded statement for the Incident. Post Miranda, Fleming stated she was involved in a crash with a red car. Fleming stated the man in the red car must have called the police. Fleming stated she consumed marijuana 4 hrs prior to speaking with me. Fleming did not know what the current time was. Fleming used profanity and racial slurs. Fleming directed racial slurs toward Ofc. Stroud who is an African-American. Fleming refused to submit to a breath test. She was booked into the Palm Beach County jail and eventually released on $3,000 bond. A court date is pending. _____________________________________________________ Definition of The Perfect Husband: A guy who makes his wife's panties wet, doing the laundry every week. _____________________________________________________ United Nations Strike Force.... There is a lot of talk about the United Nations creating a combined strike force with troops from several nations included in it. Could it work? Let's take a look at one operation. A combined force beach landing on a tropical island. When the troops hit the beach: The Royal Marines go fishing. The US Marines wait for CNN to arrive. The French don't care whose beach it is; it's French territory now, and say the English gave them no other choice. The Canadians watch the Americans very closely, then offer to guard their landing strip. The Dutch have a beach party and smoke some dope saying the English don't understand them. The Italians go sunbathing. The Germans land and build a car factory. The West Indians go looking for the Dutch. The Austrians just watch the Russians and Germans. The Chinese win the native's hearts and minds then kill them. The SEALs arrive after dark and kill anyone who is not a SEAL. The Aussies and Kiwis land then start fighting each other over a sheep. The South Americans send a contingent of 20,000 generals. The Saudi's start drilling for oil. The Russians open a chain of massage parlours. The Brit airborne troops get charged with murder even though they have not arrived yet. The Spanish are late. The Portuguese are late but blame the Spaniards. Delta Force makes a movie about the landing. The Greeks and Turks turn up then send a bill to the Yanks and Brits. The British Army cannot come because all six of them have flu. The Japanese don't know who owns what ships and decide to sink them all. The Californian National Guard contingent won't land until someone opens a Starbucks. The New Yorkers paint their Amtrak's yellow and will take you ashore for 50 bucks. The Irish Army will be late because they say they are stll celebrating St. Patrick's Day. The Israeli's start building a kibbutz and shell the Palestinians as a precaution. The Scandinavians like it off shore and stay there killing whales for the Japanese. The Polish tunnel under the beach looking for coal. The Palestinians say it used to be theirs but the English gave it away. The Oklahomans have no damn idea what a beach is. The Scottish claim to have found the beach first but accuse the English of stealing it. The Texans look for anyone bad mouthing them. The Mexicans invade Arizona by mistake. The Welsh say it's King Arthur's last resting place but the English stole it. The Swiss apply for a bank charter. The Lybians blow up two UN planes. The UN will send an Ambassador if the member states pay their dues. The Kentuckians open a KFC. The Panamanians ask the U.S. what they should do. The Floridians demand a recount and free Prozac. The EU want to set up a commission of 250,000 administrators paid for by the English. The Swedes just want to screw. The Michigan contingent issues a safety recall and sue General Motors. The Matell Corp. sends 10,000 GI Joe's and one Barbie. Some guy from Tennessee swears that Elvis and Jimmy Dean are just over the dunes. The Rumanians and Albanians finally arrive and surrender. The Coloradans cut off the Kansan's water supply. H. M. The Queen will give anyone a Knighthood if they can grab her a few hundred acres or find a job for Charles. The New Hampshire contingent declares that everyone there is Sooooo Cruel and open a soup kitchen. The North Koreans have no idea what is going on but blame America anyway. Washington State NG builds a monument to Bill Gates. The Pakistanis build a Motel Six, a convenience store and gas station. Jimmy Carter arrives and declares peace. ___________________________________________________   Jessica Mendoza Weiss ___________________________________________________ An embarrassed young woman was farting uncontrollably when her date was due to arrive. She was an accomplished pianist so to drown the noise she offered the play the Storm Scene from the William Tell Overture. She had concluded the piece when she felt another fart attack on its way and quickly asked him if he would like another tune on the piano. "Well if it is that storm scene again," he said, "can you leave out the bit where the lightning strikes the outhouse? ___________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits  From: Kitty RE: Convert curencies Dear Webby, I didn't read that long list of secret search engine tricks, too technical for me. However, I have a hunch that Chrome can concvert currencies faster than going to XE.COM. They are always very slow. What do I type into the search line to convert 1234 US Dollars to Canadian dollarss? Kitty color> Dear Kitty That one is almost too easy. Type $1234 in CAD You can also use the word TO 12345 feet to meter or for speed 123 kmh to mph Distance: 12345 furlongs to lightyears 12345 lightyears to furlongs Weight of coffee 454 grams to pounds And so on. It will convert anything you can think of. However, it will not tell you why a 2 lb box of chocolate makes you gain 3 pounds. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ >From Gary The other day I was playing golf and saw an unusual thing. A golfer became so mad that he threw his brand new set of golf clubs into the lake. A few minutes later he came back, waded into the lake, and retrieved his clubs. He proceeded to take his car keys out of the bag -- then threw the clubs back into the water. _____________________________________________________   11, count them! ___________________________________________________ >From Sue Looking for something different for my sister's birthday, I decided on a pair of pajamas made up of bright scenic prints of the natural wonders of the world. I wrapped them up and sent them off. I just received this e-mail from her. "Dear Sis," she wrote. "I don't mind having '12,948 feet high' indicated on my bosom, but I thoroughly resent "greatest natural span" across my bottom!" ___________________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ___________________________________________________ You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, The Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war! _____________________________________________________ When you are dating..You picture the two of you together, growing old together. When you are married You wonder who will die first. _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! ____________________________________________________ A man went skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seemed like days, he was ready to go. Excited, he jumped out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulled the ripcord. Nothing happened. He tried again. Still nothing. He started to panic, but remembered his back-up chute. He pulled that cord. Nothing happened. He frantically began yanking both cords to no avail. Suddenly he looked down, and he couldn't believe his eyes. Another man was in the air with him, but this guy was going up! Just as the other guy passed by, the skydiver yelled, "Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?" The other guy yelled back, "No! Do you know anything about gas BBQs?" __________________________________________ Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked. "I could eat," said Seymour. The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it. While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka. The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat." Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates. The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the other place, they eat like kings. I just don't understand." "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people it's not really worth messing up the kitchen ____________________________________________________ 
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 Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. 
 
 Today, August 8, in 1356, Edward "the Black Prince" began a raid north from Aquitaine. 1815, Napoleon Bonaparte set sail for St. Helena, in the South Atlantic. The remainder of his life was spent there in exile. 1844, After the killing of Joseph Smith on June 27, Bringham Young was chosen to lead the Mormons. 1876, Thomas Edison received a patent for the mimeograph. The mimeograph was a "method of preparing autographic stencils for printing." 1899, The refrigerator was patented by A.T. Marshall. 1900, In Boston, the first Davis Cup series began. The U.S. team defeated Great Britain three matches to zero. 1911, The number of representatives in the U.S. House of Representatives was established at 435. There was one member of Congress for every 211,877 residents. 1940, The German Luftwaffe began a series of daylight air raids on Great Britain. 1945, The United Nations Charter was signed by U.S. President Truman. 1945, After World War II, the Soviet Union declared war on Japan. 1950, Whataburger opened its restaurant in Corpus Christi, TX. 1953, The U.S. and South Korea initiated a mutual security pact. 1956, Japan launched an oil tanker that was 780 feet long and weighed 84,730 tons. It was the largest oil tanker in the world. 1966, Michael DeBakey became the first surgeon to install an artificial heart pump in a patient. 1974, U.S. President Nixon announced that he would resign the following day. 1978, The U.S. launched Pioneer Venus II, which carried scientific probes to study the atmosphere of Venus. 1988, It was announced that a cease-fire between Iraq and Iran had begun. 1989, The space shuttle Columbia took off from Cape Canaveral, FL. The trip was said to be a secret five-day military mission. 1990, American forces began positioning in Saudia Arabia. 1991, John McCarthy, a British TV producer, was released by his Lebanese kidnappers. He had been held captive for more than five years. A rival group abducted Jerome Leyraud in retaliation and threatened to kill him if any more hostages were released. 1991, The U.N. Security Council approved North and South Korea for membership. 1994, The first road link between Israel and Jordan opened. 1994, Representatives from China and Taiwan signed a cooperation agreement. 1995, Saddam Hussein's two eldest daughters, their husbands, and several senior army officers defected. 2000, The submarine H.L. Hunley was raised from ocean bottom after 136 years. The sub had been lost during an attack on the U.S.S. Housatonic in 1864. The Hunley was the first submarine in history to sink a warship. 2022 Do! smiled. 

If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can!

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