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___________________________________________________ History: on this day, February 7, in 1986, Haitian President-for-Life Jean-Claude Duvalier fled his country ending 28 years of family rule. ____________________________________________________ Bonehead Awards: K9 officer nabs California man with meth in northern Arizona __________________________________________________ Q I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. --- Galileo Galilei (1564 - 1642) ________________________________________________ Georgina likes sitting in the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought half a loaf of bread that had gone a bit moldy to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch, she fed each pigeon with joy. She sat there without being noticed by anyone. Then suddenly a woman rained on her parade by telling her that she shouldn't throw away good food on a bunch of pigeons that can find food anywhere, when there are a lot of people starving in Africa. After staring at her for a few seconds, she handed her the last chunk of bread and said: "Since you are so full of hot air and good advice, I'll let you take this to Africa" __________________________________________________ This one is a repeat from the early 90s Heard on the plane: >From the granny in the "Scare North" parka (the stewardess): "They remembered to put the gas cap on today, so we won't be doing the usual circling back to the airport. Which is unfortunate, because they forgot to put the cap on the coffee thermos." And from the pilot during his message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... They will be on the next flight." One time in the 70s when they were still using their drafty see-through DC3 from Whitehorse to Dawson City, Dennis the pilot was in a serious looking conference with the stewardess and then came walking back, looking pointedly at the bright red toolcase on the floor between my feet and asked: "Does anybody by any chance have a 3/4" wrench?" I was on my way to fix a big generator and certainly did have all the wrenches with me. After I handed him a 3/4" wrench, he went back to the stewardess. She handed him a beer. In those days the beer still had crown-caps instead of screw-tops. He grabbed the bottle tighly around the neck with one hand, leveraged the wrench over his thumb and expertly popped the cap. Seems they had forgotten the bottle opener on that trip, but by the time we reached Dawson City the stewardess got pretty good at opening beer with a wrench. __________________________________________________ Walfried Morscher. This one bloomed on the day dad died. _________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ____________________________________________________ A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle." The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel." ---------------- I can certainly sympathise with her. My hearing is like that. In High-school, college and university I became a master of guessing and faking answers to questions, I had neither heard nor understood. They never quite mmade me repeat. I was too much of a nuissance for that. ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. "What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop." "Now John, things could be worse," said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John. "Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down." "And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ____________________________________________________ A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a Democrat gathering, and Anni, his hostess, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Anni asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" Anni questioned. "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Anni thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." _______________________________________________ Terri and Buzz, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Terri says, "Buzz, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?" Buzz says, "Do I care?" A few minutes later Terri says, "Buzz, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?" Buzz says, "Who cares?" A few more minutes pass and Terri says, "Buzz, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?" Buzz says, "Terri, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your butt , we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds. _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ Did you know that Elvis was an especially colorful character? He was a redneck who stole the blues from the blacks and sold it to the whites. ___________________________________________________ You Might Be a Redneck If... * You trim your beard and find a French fry. * You use a piece of bread as a napkin. * You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear. * Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat". * Your car alarm eats dog food. * Your car burns more oil than gas. * Your flashlight holds more than four batteries. * Your horse can count higher than you. * Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard. * Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center. * Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. * Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks. * Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. * You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately. * You view duct tape as a long-term investment. * You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop. * You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned. * You've ever lost your wife in a poker game. * You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work. * Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. * You've ever stolen a bulldozer. * All of your four-letter words are two syllables. * You cut your toenails in front of company. * You've ever been too drunk to fish. * You think women are turned on by animal sounds. * You think women are turned on by tongue gestures. * You have to dress the kids up to go to WalMart. * You grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister. * You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley. * You know how many bales of hay your car can hold. * You made a hot tub with a trolling motor. * You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and its spelled wrong. * Your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to- school clothes for the kids. * Your sister's child looks just like you. * You've ever given rat traps as a gift. * Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater. * The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice. * You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. * In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite. How many of those do you check? You don't have to tell me which ones, just how many! __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned ny a California man with lots of meth, who has been nabbed by a K9 officer in northern Arizona A big drug bust in Flagstaff was made possible thanks to one powerful nose. A K9 team with the Coconino County Sheriff's Office discovered the drugs during a traffic stop. They tell us that Dex and his handler found several bags of meth weighing about 24 pounds. Now a California resident is facing several big drug charges. ____________________________________________________ One day as I fished upon the sea A mermaid came visiting me Though just right on top T'other end was a flop With no parts to show she was a she. _____________________________________________________ A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II. "We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children." The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers. _____________________________________________________ "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me two examples?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car, and your boobs." _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Dianne RE: Deleted files Dear Webby, Some people pointed out that just deleting files is not enough and that they could be recovered. Dianne Dear Dianne That is almost true. If time and money is no object, then a data recovery lab may possibly restore fragments and pieces of your deleted files, unless you did a defrag in the meantime since you dumped them out of the recycle bin. However, unless you build nuclear bombs in the basement or are a terrorist or child molester or a politician, nobody is going to pay for having your deleted and dumped files restored. Don't worry about them. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall. When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day". ____________________________________________________ Today, February 7 in 1882, The last bareknuckle fight for the heavyweight boxing championship took place in Mississippi City. 1893, Elisha Gray patented a machine called the telautograph. It automatically signed autographs to documents. 1913, The Turks lost 5,000 men in a battle with the Bulgarian army in Gallipoli. 1922, DeWitt and Lila Acheson Wallace offered 5,000 copies of "Reader's Digest" magazine for the first time. 1936, The U.S. Vice President's flag was established by executive order. 1941, The Tommy Dorsey Orchestra and Frank Sinatra recorded "Everything Happens to Me." 1943, The U.S. government announced that shoe rationing would go into effect in two days. 1944, During World War II, the Germans launched a counteroffensive at Anzio, Italy. 1962, The U.S. government banned all Cuban imports and re-export of U.S. products to Cuba from other countries. 1974, The nation of Grenada gained independence from Britain. 1976, Darryl Sittler (Toronto Maple Leafs) set a National Hockey League (NHL) record when he scored 10 points in a game against the Boston Bruins. He scored six goals and four assists. 1977, Russia launched Soyuz 24. 1984, Space shuttle astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart made the first untethered space walk. 1985, "Sports Illustrated" released its annual swimsuit edition. It was the largest regular edition in the magazines history at 218 pages. 1985, "New York, New York" became the official anthem of New York City. 1986, Haitian President-for-Life Jean-Claude Duvalier fled his country ending 28 years of family rule. 1991, The Rev. Jean-Bertrand Aristide was sworn in as Haiti's first democratically elected president. 1999, NASA's Stardust space probe was launched. The mission was to return comet dust samples from comet Wild 2. The mission was completed on January 15, 2006 when the sample return capsule returned to Earth. 2000, California's legislature declared that February 13 would be "Charles M. Schulz Day." 2008, The Space Shuttle Atlantis launched with the mission of delivering the Columbus science laboratory to the International Space Station. 2022 Do smiled.
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Walfried Morscher. This one bloomed on the day dad died. _________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ____________________________________________________ A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving. The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions. He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle." The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong. She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel." ---------------- I can certainly sympathise with her. My hearing is like that. In High-school, college and university I became a master of guessing and faking answers to questions, I had neither heard nor understood. They never quite mmade me repeat. I was too much of a nuissance for that. ____________________________________________________ 
___________________________________________________ A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. "What's up, John?" asked the farmer. "Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop." "Now John, things could be worse," said Bob. "How do you figure?" asked John. "Well, John - you know my 'ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down." "And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you." __________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ____________________________________________________ A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a Democrat gathering, and Anni, his hostess, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Anni asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?" "Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track." "What sort of question?" Anni questioned. "Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?' Anni thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history." _______________________________________________ Terri and Buzz, a retired couple from New York City, living in Miami, are getting ready to go out to dinner. Terri says, "Buzz, darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or the Gucci?" Buzz says, "Do I care?" A few minutes later Terri says, "Buzz, should I wear my Cartier watch or my Rolex?" Buzz says, "Who cares?" A few more minutes pass and Terri says, "Buzz, love, shall I wear my five-carat pear diamond ring or my six-carat round diamond ring with the baguettes?" Buzz says, "Terri, I really don't care what you wear, but if you don't move your butt , we're going to miss the Early Bird Special at McDonalds. _____________________________________________ If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! If you like my work,Please donate a dollar, or two, if you can afford it!Please, help me stay online! _____________________________________________ Did you know that Elvis was an especially colorful character? He was a redneck who stole the blues from the blacks and sold it to the whites. ___________________________________________________ You Might Be a Redneck If... * You trim your beard and find a French fry. * You use a piece of bread as a napkin. * You wear overalls to save on the cost of shirts and underwear. * Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat". * Your car alarm eats dog food. * Your car burns more oil than gas. * Your flashlight holds more than four batteries. * Your horse can count higher than you. * Your idea of cleaning is throwing everything in the back yard. * Your property has ever been mistaken for a recycling center. * Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. * Your underwear doubles as swimming trunks. * Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse. * You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately. * You view duct tape as a long-term investment. * You've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop. * You have to take the entire day off to get your teeth cleaned. * You've ever lost your wife in a poker game. * You bought a VCR to record Rasslin' while you're at work. * Red Man chewing tobacco sends you a Christmas card. * You've ever stolen a bulldozer. * All of your four-letter words are two syllables. * You cut your toenails in front of company. * You've ever been too drunk to fish. * You think women are turned on by animal sounds. * You think women are turned on by tongue gestures. * You have to dress the kids up to go to WalMart. * You grow a beard because hey, it looks good on your sister. * You've ever been blacklisted from a bowling alley. * You know how many bales of hay your car can hold. * You made a hot tub with a trolling motor. * You have a tattoo that says "Mother" and its spelled wrong. * Your satellite dish payments delays buying back-to- school clothes for the kids. * Your sister's child looks just like you. * You've ever given rat traps as a gift. * Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater. * The Home Shopping Club operator recognizes your voice. * You've ever stolen clothes from a scarecrow. * In an effort to watch your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite. How many of those do you check? You don't have to tell me which ones, just how many! __________________________________________________ Reported by Rock An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned ny a California man with lots of meth, who has been nabbed by a K9 officer in northern Arizona A big drug bust in Flagstaff was made possible thanks to one powerful nose. A K9 team with the Coconino County Sheriff's Office discovered the drugs during a traffic stop. They tell us that Dex and his handler found several bags of meth weighing about 24 pounds. Now a California resident is facing several big drug charges. ____________________________________________________ One day as I fished upon the sea A mermaid came visiting me Though just right on top T'other end was a flop With no parts to show she was a she. _____________________________________________________ A couple came to the police department, wanting to dispose of some ammunition. They handed the desk officer a wooden box and said that it contained two shells an uncle had given them as souvenirs from World War II. "We didn't know what to do with them," the woman explained. "So all these years, we've kept the shells in the bottom drawer of the china cabinet, away from our children." The officer assured the couple he'd dispose of the ammunition safely. But when he took one out of the box the top came off, revealing a strange black substance. His suspicions aroused, the officer removed the top of the other shell and found a hard white substance. There was no doubt about it. They were souvenir salt and pepper shakers. _____________________________________________________ "An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me two examples?" "Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car, and your boobs." _________________________________________________ DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From: Dianne RE: Deleted files Dear Webby, Some people pointed out that just deleting files is not enough and that they could be recovered. Dianne Dear Dianne That is almost true. If time and money is no object, then a data recovery lab may possibly restore fragments and pieces of your deleted files, unless you did a defrag in the meantime since you dumped them out of the recycle bin. However, unless you build nuclear bombs in the basement or are a terrorist or child molester or a politician, nobody is going to pay for having your deleted and dumped files restored. Don't worry about them. Have FUN! DearWebby _____________________________________________________ Sally had three very active boys. One summer evening she was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner. One of the boys "shot" his mother and yelled, "Bang! You're dead." She slumped to the ground and when she didn't get up right away, a neighbor ran over to see if she had been hurt in the fall. When the neighbor bent over, the overworked mother opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day". ____________________________________________________ Today, February 7 in 1882, The last bareknuckle fight for the heavyweight boxing championship took place in Mississippi City. 1893, Elisha Gray patented a machine called the telautograph. It automatically signed autographs to documents. 1913, The Turks lost 5,000 men in a battle with the Bulgarian army in Gallipoli. 1922, DeWitt and Lila Acheson Wallace offered 5,000 copies of "Reader's Digest" magazine for the first time. 1936, The U.S. Vice President's flag was established by executive order. 1941, The Tommy Dorsey Orchestra and Frank Sinatra recorded "Everything Happens to Me." 1943, The U.S. government announced that shoe rationing would go into effect in two days. 1944, During World War II, the Germans launched a counteroffensive at Anzio, Italy. 1962, The U.S. government banned all Cuban imports and re-export of U.S. products to Cuba from other countries. 1974, The nation of Grenada gained independence from Britain. 1976, Darryl Sittler (Toronto Maple Leafs) set a National Hockey League (NHL) record when he scored 10 points in a game against the Boston Bruins. He scored six goals and four assists. 1977, Russia launched Soyuz 24. 1984, Space shuttle astronauts Bruce McCandless II and Robert L. Stewart made the first untethered space walk. 1985, "Sports Illustrated" released its annual swimsuit edition. It was the largest regular edition in the magazines history at 218 pages. 1985, "New York, New York" became the official anthem of New York City. 1986, Haitian President-for-Life Jean-Claude Duvalier fled his country ending 28 years of family rule. 1991, The Rev. Jean-Bertrand Aristide was sworn in as Haiti's first democratically elected president. 1999, NASA's Stardust space probe was launched. The mission was to return comet dust samples from comet Wild 2. The mission was completed on January 15, 2006 when the sample return capsule returned to Earth. 2000, California's legislature declared that February 13 would be "Charles M. Schulz Day." 2008, The Space Shuttle Atlantis launched with the mission of delivering the Columbus science laboratory to the International Space Station. 2022 Do smiled. 
