Good Morning, Do! Today is Tuesday, March 9 ___________________________________________________ If you can spare a coin, PLEASE hit PayPal with it! ___________________________________________________ Woman took Uber to break-in, was shot at by elderly homeowner ___________________________________________________ Today, March 8 in 1975 Work began on the Alaskan oil pipeline. ____________________________________________________ A joke's a very serious thing. --- Charles Churchill ____________________________________________________ Nostalgia Bonehead Award from 2000 A Bonehead award goes to **** ****, a Minnesota man who beat himself up in front of the security cameras at a Turtle Lake casino, and then tried to claim he was robbed. Police have no idea why he thought that they would refund him for the amount he claimed he was robbed for. He is in politics now, so we can't mention his name. ____________________________________________________ A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?" "You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think ourselves all day long." ____________________________________________________ ___________________________________________________ Ed asks his eight year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong. "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age five I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age six I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age seven you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!" __________________________________________________ An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD has been earned by Fabiola Martinez, San Antonio, Texas, USA Woman took Uber to break-in, was shot at by elderly homeowner A woman who broke into an elderly couples home and was shot in the ear by one of the homeowners will spend 20 years in prison. Fabiola Martinez was convicted and sentenced last week for breaking into a Boerne home in June of 2019. During her trial in Kendall County, prosecutors revealed Martinez bought a power drill, duct tape and a folding knife before taking an Uber to the victims home and forcing her way inside. One of the 71-year-old homeowners scared her off by shooting at her. She was captured nearby suffering from a gunshot wound to the ear. Investigators said Martinez, who lives in San Antonio, had family members who worked as house cleaners in the area and had cleaned the victims house previously. Martinez initially claimed her husband forced her to break into the home and drove off when gunshots were fired. But prosecutors argued she planned the break-in, showing surveillance videos that proved she bought the power drill and other items herself. Phone records also showed she took an Uber to the neighborhood. Martinez will serve at least 10 years in prison before she is eligible for parole. DearWebby's Tech Support Pits From:Buzzy Re: Disk Quota Dear Webby ===== From the 123clickit.com Tech Support pits ====== CALLER: "People are sending me emails and they are getting returned with "Mail Returned, User over disk quota". BUZZY: [checked username] "Yes, you are over your 50 meg quota. Check your mail and you will have lots of room for fresh mail." CALLER: "Oh, ok. I will get them to write in a smaller font next time. I don't have time to check my mail." ===== BUZZY, From the Tech Support pits ====== Dear Do! I remember that one! That was your mayor, right? Have FUN! DearWebby There was a man who, everyday, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it anymore, and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the front page before discarding it?" The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries." "But those are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper." "Young man," he said, "the son of a bitch I'm looking for will be on the front page." | If you can help with the cost of the Humor Letter, please donate what you can! | If you like my work,
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_____________________________________________ An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said"Do you men know Jesus Christ?" They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?" One of the steelworkers asked why.The foreman yelled, "His wife is here with his lunch!" ____________________________________________ An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." ____________________________________________ Tom had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy." ____________________________________________ | Ophelia Dingbatter's NewsNo sermon and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for grownups. Read it on-line or subscribe. If you subscribe, look for the double opt-in confirmation request. |
___________________________________________________ Today, March 9 in 1454 Amerigo Vespucci was born in Florence, Italy. Matthias Ringmann, a German mapmaker, named the American continent in his honor. 1617 The Treaty of Stolbovo ended the occupation of Northern Russia by Swedish troops. 1734 The Russians took Danzig (Gdansk) in Poland. 1745 The first carillon was shipped from England to Boston, MA. 1793 Jean Pierre Blanchard made the first balloon flight in North America. The event was witnessed by U.S. President George Washington. 1796 Napoleon Bonaparte and Josephine de Beauharnais were married. They were divorced in 1809. 1799 The U.S. Congress contracted with Simeon North, of Berlin, CT, for 500 horse pistols at the price of $6.50 each. 1812 Swedish Pomerania was seized by Napoleon. 1820 The U.S. Congress passed the Land Act that paved the way for westward expansion of North America. 1822 Charles M. Graham received the first patent for artificial teeth. 1832 Abraham Lincoln announced that he would run for a political office for the first time. He was unsuccessful in his run for a seat in the Illinois state legislature. 1839 The French Academy of Science announced the Daguerreotype photo process. 1858 Albert Potts was awarded a patent for the letter box. 1859 The National Association of Baseball Players adopted the rule that limited the size of bats to no more than 2-1/2 inches in diameter. 1860 The first Japanese ambassador to the U.S. was appointed. 1862 During the U.S. Civil War, the ironclads Monitor and Virginia (built from the remnants of the USS Merrimack fought to a draw in a five-hour battle at Hampton Roads, Virginia. 1863 General Ulysses Grant was appointed commander-in-chief of the Union forces. 1897 A patent was issued to William Spinks and William Hoskins for cue chalk. 1900 In Germany, women petition Reichstag for the right to take university entrance exams. 1905 In Egypt, U.S. archeologist Davies discovered the royal tombs of Tua and Yua. 1905 In Manchuria, Japanese troops surrounded 200,000 Russian troops that were retreating from Mudken. 1905 In Congo, Belgian Vice Gov. Costermans committed suicide following an investigation of colonial policy. 1906 In the Philippines, fifteen Americans and 600 Moros were killed in the last two days of fighting. 1909 The French National Assembly passed an income tax bill. 1910 Union men urged for a national sympathy strike for miners in Pennsylvania. 1911 The funding for five new battleships was added to the British military defense budget. 1916 Mexican raiders led by Pancho Villa attacked Columbus, New Mexico. 17 people were killed by the 1,500 horsemen. 1929 Eric Krenz became the first athlete to toss the discus over 160 feet. 1932 Eamon De Valera was elected president of the Irish Free State and pledged to abolish all loyalty to the British Crown. 1933 The U.S. Congress began its 100 days of enacting New Deal legislation. 1936 The German press warned that all Jews who vote in the upcoming elections would be arrested. 1945 During World War II, U.S. B-29 bombers launched incendiary bomb attacks against Japan. 1946 The A.F.L. accused Juan Peron of using the army to establish a dictatorship over Argentine labor. 1949 The first all-electric dining car was placed in service on the Illinois Central Railroad. 1954 WNBT-TV (now WNBC-TV), in New York, broadcast the first local color television commercials. The ad was Castro Decorators of New York City. (New York) 1956 British authorities arrested and deported Archbishop Makarios from Cyprus. He was accused of supporting terrorists. 1957 Egyptian leader Nasser barred U.N. plans to share the tolls for the use of the Suez Canal. 1959 Mattel introduced Barbie at the annual Toy Fair in New York. 1964 Production began on the first Ford Mustang. 1965 The first U.S. combat troops arrived in South Vietnam. 1967 Svetlana Alliluyeva, Josef Stalin's daughter defected to the United States. 1969 "The Smothers Brothers' Comedy Hour" was canceled by CBS-TV. 1975 Work began on the Alaskan oil pipeline. 1975 Iraq launched an offensive against the rebel Kurds. 1977 About a dozen armed Hanafi Muslims invaded three buildings in Washington, DC. They killed one person and took more than 130 hostages. The siege ended two days later. 1983 The official Soviet news agency TASS says that U.S. President Reagan is full of "bellicose lunatic anti- communism." 1985 "Gone With The Wind" went on sale in video stores across the U.S. for the first time. 1986 U.S. Navy divers found the crew compartment of the space shuttle Challenger along with the remains of the astronauts. 1987 Chrysler Corporation offered to buy American Motors Corporation. 1989 The U.S. Senate rejected John Tower as a choice for a cabinet member. It was the first rejection in 30 years. 1989 In Maylasia, 30 Asian nations conferred on the issue of "boat people." 1989 In the U.S., a strike forced Eastern Airlines into bankruptcy. 1989 In the U.S., President George H.W. Bush urged for a mandatory death penalty in drug-related killings. 1990 Dr. Antonia Novello was sworn in as the first female and Hispanic surgeon general. 1993 Rodney King testified at the federal trial of four Los Angeles police officers accused of violating his civil rights. 1995 The Canadian Navy arrested a Spanish trawler for illegally fishing off of Newfoundland. 2000 In Norway, the coalition government of Kjell Magne Bondevik resigned as a result of an environmental dispute. 2011 Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed legislation that abolished the death penalty in his state. 2021 Do smiled.
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